here I go again on my own.....KINDA, just have that song in my head

So I know my blog seems like a bitch fest sometimes.  I know that, I really do, but I NEED this or I really would be running around beating the shit out of people.  Seriously.  I have explained enough why I am like this, but one more time...Imagine having your life just taken away from you and being aware that the life was taken away from  you and trying to figure out how the hell to get a new life and being scared to death of doing that.

The up down all around emotions I have must be tough for those of you that put up with me and them.  Imagine how they are for me.  THEY SUCK.  I dont want to be psycho crazy bitch, I really don't want to be.  It's not fun for me.

And speaking of fun.  I hate when I hear some songs from my Old Life, they remind of the fun times and fun life I used to have.  And then it makes me cry.  I love Black Eyed Peas and there are some songs of theirs I cannot listen to because they remind me soooo much of good times in my old life.

I hate being 31 and having different lives.  Really, I swear I am not schizophrenic, I am just complicated.

I really do miss the old fun me.  Yeah I had my moments, who hasn't.? It seems like I am in a perpetual moment now.

This blog helps me and I hope that it helps some of you.  I am trying to teach you about me without having to talk to you about this stuff.  It is easier for me to write it out than speak it.  This way if I use a wrong word or even lose my words for a minute I won't beat myself up because I am not being "weak" in front of you by making a mistake.  You don't know I am making mistakes.  Thank god for proof reading.

Do you know what it is like to feel like you have to fit in all responsibilities and fun you can accomplish into 3 days, because in 4 days you are having brain surgery again?  I feel like I need to pay all my bills, and do all my chores, and  try to have some fun...whatever that is.  I feel I need to cram it in and that in itself is not fun.  It makes me feel frantic, and when I feel frantic I make more mistakes.

I need to do this because I will be having surgery and then ripped from my Western PA life and have to go to Eastern PA with my parents until I can be independent again or until after Christmas.  I don't like all of that change and going back and forth.  It physically hurts my head and it emotionally hurts me too.

 Seriously, brain injury really does suck.  I don't know if people can grasp that.  I mean really. Sometimes it's the little shit that will put me over the edge and then I miss the big stuff.  My brain is a literal cluster fuck.  I don't think they should call it Traumatic Brain Injury, they should just call it Traumatic Cluster Fuck. Let's keep it real.