Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I don't like mind games..please, they hurt

Today I get to work and the scheduler gives me my schedule and was excited because she likes telling me when I am going to my favorite unit.

And then she says this "I have to tell you a doctor told me you are great with the patients but that they don't think it is good for you to be working on that unit." "It's not your performance but they don't think it is good for you to be there." I went from ecstatic to being placed on that unit again to crushed.  Talk about highs and lows in a millisecond.   She said she did not know who the doctor was and that she thinks she is the only one that knows this was mentioned and that she won't say anything to anyone else.

It makes me back pedal and think of when I lost my job before.  I was able to work with my TBI and then gallbladder crapped out and I lost my job, "not due to my performance but my medical issues"  and then in a snarky argument my ex-supervisor/ex-friend  said I wasn't fired due to my performance but they did have concerns over my mental health issues after my accident.  I know I have issues, but if I am such a mental case would someone just outright tell me please?!?!?!?   Honestly, just frigging tell me.  I give up!!

I have basically just stopped second guessing my every move and got rid of a lot of my self doubt and then I get hit with this.  I teared up.  I hate people second guessing me and what is good for me.  I second guess myself enough I don't need support on this.  All day long this has been on my mind.  I am hurt and angry and confused.  Did I make a bad choice interviewing for this job?  Did I make a bad choice even applying for this job?  It is not the only UPMC job I applied for.  Hell, it is not even the only job I applied to, it just happens to  be the only one that interviewed and accepted me.  It is not my fault that I am on a unit I used to be a patient on and that some of my co-workers used to also be my caretakers, doctors, therapists.

Now I am trying to replay everything I have done on that unit.  Did I do something wrong?  Am I doing anything wrong?  Why was this said???  

There is one doc I am pretty sure I think I know said it.  He has been concerned about my safety since I have come to work there.  I have told him numerous times I would let him know if things got uncomfortable for me or if it got to the point where I can't handle things.    Since I have been there the only time i could not handle anything it has been on other units not my favorite TBI unit.  And all of the things except one have just been emotional things where people, women, Mothers were dying or the choice had to be made to let the person die.  It is still too close to my mothers death, so yeah, I have cried and asked for a time out.  I have never felt in danger with a patient that might be physically agressive.   I know my limits, I know what I can handle, I know when I am unsafe.  Should I just start wearing a helmet to work at all times??

I am just so confused, sad, angry, and overwhelmed by this.  Why was I told this?  I mean I appreciate she told me, she thought she was doing me a favor but this kills me.  

As usual, it is what it is.  I will just suck it up, put on my fake smiley face which is pretty much tattooed on, and just keep trucking along.  But now the seed is planted of more second guessing.  FML