Monday, October 8, 2012

3 years

3 years ago I made a bad choice.  At the time I did not know it was a bad choice.  Oh hindsite, you wascally wabbit.   That choice made me what I am today.  Wonder woman.
I am not proud of the choice.  I question it.  And hell, I don't even remember it.  To this day I get frustrated with the fact I have no memory of it.  I used to get angry and upset I couldn't remember.  Now I get frustrated, but I don't beat myself up over the lack of memory.  I don't try to wrack my mind and put pieces together.  I have embraced the fact now that it cannot be done.  Like I really only have dim memories of that night.  I don't remember all the players involved in my drama.  I remember the settings.  I remember one person I planned to meet and why.  Then I remember the boy that broke me and his buddy.  Don't really k ow all that much more.  Frustrating and weird, yes.  But not worth beating myself up for it any more.
Life has thrown me wicked curve ball after wicked curve ball, but I keep hitting homers.  Pretty soon some day it's gonna be a grand slam. references from the woman that doesn't like baseball.  Clearly I have a brain injury.
Maybe in the future october 7 will just be a day.  Not a day that I sit and reflect and cry for a bit over a dumb choice, over the life I lost, of what was.  But that's hard.  I do miss aspects of the old life.  But I'm getting better with that.  Still hold resentment and heartache over the people I thought were friends leaving .  But I'm getting a bit better with that too.  Its all about baby steps and I've been taking them for 3 years.
I have come a long way baby.  From coma, to rehab hospital, to living with parents, to back on my own, to brain surgery after brain  surgery after brain surgery, to building confidence, building a life, and kicking ass.  Sure I have melt downs, but in general I'm kicking ass.  That's all I can do.  Kick ass one day at a time for years to come.  Brain injury doesn't just go away.  I learn to adapt and not lose the rest of my mind.
Thank you all for being around for the wild wide.

Sunday, May 6, 2012


One year ago today I lost my mom. I did not misplace her, or lose her at the mall when I couldn't see her tiny self over the clothes racks. She passed away. May 3 2011 I grew a spontaneous set of balls and drove home for the first time since my brain injury. I only know the date due to pictures with date stamps and my blog. I take lots of pics now and live on facebook and blogger to help with my memory. I am so glad that mom knew I was there. That we did have a few moments. I don't really remember them, but I know I had her laughing and smiling. Probably because I was being a horn dog and inappropriate. Because that's how I roll. May 3 I surprised mom and dad and May 6, she was gone. I curled up in bed with her in the ICU and gave her permission to go, I told her it wasn't worth it to keep fighting it and that it was ok. I played Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's Somewhere Over the Rainbow and then she left. I had to take the song off of my Mp3 player because when I hear it now, when it would randomly play, I would sob and get pissed off. It's strange. In 1992 there was one night sleeping that something did not feel right, I had an odd feeling about my Mom Mom (mom's mom) That morning I did NOT want to go to school. I did not feel right, it didn't feel right if I went to school. My parents made me go. At some point I was called out of class to be told Mom Mom died. Then this time, May 3rd I grow a set and go home. I felt I had to go, then May 6, mom was gone. I must have a strong McGuire connection. This may all seem like hocus pocus, me blowing smoke, but this is all true!!!! Sometimes I find random items in my apartment that have a connection to mom. I dont remember the specific connections but I get overwhelmed with sadness and anger and frustration because I can't remember the connection. I throw those things out with a heavy heart and a shaking hand and tears. And I always say "goodbye mommy" Sometimes I stare at the item and wonder if I should keep it. But I do throw it out. Why keep it and anger myself because I can't remember the connection even though I feel there is one. I have an easier time remembering feelings than things. Please don't try to compare your parents losses to the loss of my mother. I know you are trying to sympathize. I know that, and I appreciate that, but to me this is different. I know I am not the only young female in the world to lose my mother, but this is just too much! From October 7 2009 to May 6 2011 I lost myself, my job, my friends, some body parts, my life as I knew it. Sure I sometimes put on a semi good front, but do you know what it is like to lose your sense of self, to have to rebuild, to have to struggle to find new "norms" after each brain surgery. And then to find a balance, to start feeling somewhat confident, and then crumble down due to mom's passing. Yet another friggin loss! It's maddening and saddening. And this too shall pass. It is, what it is...right? My favorite quote. Thanks for reading and let me ramble. See, it's hard doing this shit by myself. I do so much by myself....really my self!!! Loneliness and by myself with my walls. But I do it. because I am a tough ass broad. And I share it all on public forums. :p

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Where is my semi-charmed kind of life?: Dear boy that broke me

Where is my semi-charmed kind of life?: Dear boy that broke me: Instead of a Dear John letter, here is a Dear Austin letter. Dear Austin, 2 Years and 5 months ago, you broke me. We may have both made t...

Dear boy that broke me

Instead of a Dear John letter, here is a Dear Austin letter.

Dear Austin, 2 Years and 5 months ago, you broke me. We may have both made the most stupid mistake of our lives. Well at least mine, since my life basically stopped and yours kept going. You may have a hit a few rough spots, but trust me. YOU GOT OFF WAY EASY!!!!!!!

While you keep trucking in your world of being a lawyer I had to stop what I loved and now I have to find a new love. Do you have any idea how hard it is for someone with a brain injury to do new things? Sure, I know I seem to do really well with everything. But no one really knows how much every thing is a struggle for me. Driving is a struggle, making decisions is a struggle, retaining information is a struggle. I get lost in conversations quite frequently. It sucks. I used to always be self conscious of it, but now I am like fuck it! Fuck it all. And since I am saying Fuck it....I am now going to start going back to school.

Austin do you have any idea how scary it is for me to go back to school? I will be doing school full time and working full time. My brain scrambled self will have about 15 hour days. That is hard for any "normal" person, but it is doubly hard for me. I am so damn scared, but I have to do it because you broke me. I will be in school from 10-2 and then working from 3-11/11:30. And my days will be longer because i will be taking the bus. I have to take the bus because driving downtown makes my head explode and fills me with anxiety and confusion to the extreme. It is not safe for me to be driving. And then when school starts it really won't be safe for me, because the exhaustion will be dangerous. And then I will have the tbi hangover feeling. I finally had that for the first time last week. I felt like I had a night out of partying, drinking and smoking and being a fool until 5 a.m. But all I did was drive down town, figure my way around town, walked around trying to find where I was supposed to be. Received information about school, and talked to an admission representative. Just that put me over the edge. I felt like shit the next day. So thank you for that.

You may have taken away my friends, my social life, my work life, my life that I knew from 1979 until 2009. So I guess me going back to school is the last piece of me trying to find my new life. I have given up on social life, I have given up on getting friends, I have given up on actually being happy and not just putting on a front. Now I have to to try to find yet a new version of myself, but this time without mother fucking brain surgery. Finding my new self on my own terms now.

So I am scared out of my mind. I am full of anxiety, apprehension, and self doubt. Is this the right choice for me, or am I just being impulsive as usual? I'll never know unless I try. I hope this is not a mistake because if so, this is a $19,000 mistake.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Where is my semi-charmed kind of life?: I'm a big kid now...sort of

Where is my semi-charmed kind of life?: I'm a big kid now...sort of: Today, I Kara E Hoban rode a public bus (not a short one smart asses :) ) for the first time by myself. I never have done this before. In ...

I'm a big kid now...sort of

Today, I Kara E Hoban rode a public bus (not a short one smart asses :) ) for the first time by myself. I never have done this before. In college I always rode a bus now and then with friends. I never had to rely on the system. Never cared to. Confused the hell out of me in my before life and I thought my head would explode with this version of me.

A few months ago I had to have one friend ride with me on the bus just to show me how it works. Where to wait for the bus, how to let the bus know I want to get on it. When to pay, how to pay. What times the busses come. The whole thing was all so confusing to me. I had one friend ride with me and 2 other friends explained the schedules to me. This was a big anxiety trigger for me. Having to do new things, the great unknown, things that any normal person would handle just fine, kind of rock my world. It is more a fear of looking stupid and getting too confused and getting lost. I don't like being "stupid" or looking too confused in normal every day situations. It is one of my deficits since my brain rearrangement. I HATE looking like I have no idea what I am doing. I think people are going to judge me. I know logically people won't give a shit, no one will notice, etc, but I can't help it.

So my anxiety of winter and now having a job I can't walk to in the winter I had to learn the bus system or quit my job in the winter. My anxiety/terror/phobia of winter has trumped my fear of the bus system. So today I heard we were going to get some was not that bad, but I decided to do the bus instead of driving, in case the snow got worse when I was at work. Work did not need to see me have an epic meltdown, full blown panic/anxiety attack, so I did the bus.

I took the bus to and from work. A girl could get used to that. Being able to chill while a strange person driving a huge vehicle filled with strange people was sort of relaxing. It was relaxing because I did not have to use too much brain power for driving. I got off the bus too early, which was fine because I could take a slow walk to work which was nice and calming. I got off of the bus too late at home, but that was ok too. It was all ok except for the fact that I walk like a jack ass in the snow. I am so fearful of falling I walk so stiffly and so tense, and I kind of shuffle/ tip toe/ tilt. Ir hurts my back and my dislocated pelvis and leg even more. But I can only conquer one fear at a time folks. See, these are all some of the reasons I am terrified of winter. It all boils down to me petrified of getting hurt again. I don't want to fall, I don't want to crash, I don't want to be on a bus that someone shoots at. It's all fear fear fear.

Taking the bus was good. The snow was not that bad today, but at least I proved to myself I can do the bus. This is big for a girl with trust issues, fear of being hurt, fear of winter. Trusting a stranger driving me around in the snow is big for me considering I need xanax to be with my dad when he drives me in the snow. And I TRUST HIM...I know him, and here I am trusting myself to s complete stranger. How I will be when the winter gets worse, time can only tell. But for now, I am patting myself on the back for this accomplishment.