Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Its been a here goes nothing

Wow, 2013! I didn't do a 2012 in review.  I didn't do a 2013 wish list.  I thought about them but forgot to execute said thought.
2012 in review.....I liked life, I hated life, I laughed, I cried(not as much as 2009-2011). Read a lot, remembered I like to draw.  Lost weight gained weight lost weight gained weight.  Made lots of bad decisions, but at least these ones don't cause me to bust my head open. But with those bad decisions i made some good ones to prevent even worse things for me.  Got some more medical shit thrown at me.  Only partially blamed my brain injury for it.  OK that's a lie...totally blame tbi for just about everything.
  I became Wawa to my Boo Bear.  I became a fairy godmother to my fairy god daughter Annie. :)
  I became more vocal on some things.  Have not consciously decided but kind of just go with I really don't care who I piss off or lose any more.  Well there are a select few people I'd be devastated over losing, and some I just don't care.  Don't have the energy nor the willpower to play bullshit pretend friend games.
  Still have paranoia, anxiety, anger, depression, impulsivity, feelings over overwhelmed, over stimulation.  And almost 100% acceptance.  Acceptance because I'm kind of forgetting what I'm comparing this version of me to.  I remember aspects of my old life, but I forget the person I am comparing myself to.  I forget the original.  I know I was sarcastic and perverted and funny.  Guess now I'm just intensified with some bonus features.
    For 2013 I just want me.  Happiness.  I miss happy and fun.  I miss carefree.  I miss not being frantic and sometimes just down right pissy.
I want to try to relax.  I physically, mentally, and emotionally cannot relax.  Maybe try to regain some control.  Its hard.  Harder than for "normal" people.  I know I "look fine". I know I mostly "act fine"  but its way harder than it looks.  Trust me....I should get an Oscar daily.  But for 2013 I just want total acceptance of myself.  And to find some care free days.   And to find a boo.  I change men more than socks.  Lmao.  I need some sort of return policy.