Sunday, May 6, 2012


One year ago today I lost my mom. I did not misplace her, or lose her at the mall when I couldn't see her tiny self over the clothes racks. She passed away. May 3 2011 I grew a spontaneous set of balls and drove home for the first time since my brain injury. I only know the date due to pictures with date stamps and my blog. I take lots of pics now and live on facebook and blogger to help with my memory. I am so glad that mom knew I was there. That we did have a few moments. I don't really remember them, but I know I had her laughing and smiling. Probably because I was being a horn dog and inappropriate. Because that's how I roll. May 3 I surprised mom and dad and May 6, she was gone. I curled up in bed with her in the ICU and gave her permission to go, I told her it wasn't worth it to keep fighting it and that it was ok. I played Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's Somewhere Over the Rainbow and then she left. I had to take the song off of my Mp3 player because when I hear it now, when it would randomly play, I would sob and get pissed off. It's strange. In 1992 there was one night sleeping that something did not feel right, I had an odd feeling about my Mom Mom (mom's mom) That morning I did NOT want to go to school. I did not feel right, it didn't feel right if I went to school. My parents made me go. At some point I was called out of class to be told Mom Mom died. Then this time, May 3rd I grow a set and go home. I felt I had to go, then May 6, mom was gone. I must have a strong McGuire connection. This may all seem like hocus pocus, me blowing smoke, but this is all true!!!! Sometimes I find random items in my apartment that have a connection to mom. I dont remember the specific connections but I get overwhelmed with sadness and anger and frustration because I can't remember the connection. I throw those things out with a heavy heart and a shaking hand and tears. And I always say "goodbye mommy" Sometimes I stare at the item and wonder if I should keep it. But I do throw it out. Why keep it and anger myself because I can't remember the connection even though I feel there is one. I have an easier time remembering feelings than things. Please don't try to compare your parents losses to the loss of my mother. I know you are trying to sympathize. I know that, and I appreciate that, but to me this is different. I know I am not the only young female in the world to lose my mother, but this is just too much! From October 7 2009 to May 6 2011 I lost myself, my job, my friends, some body parts, my life as I knew it. Sure I sometimes put on a semi good front, but do you know what it is like to lose your sense of self, to have to rebuild, to have to struggle to find new "norms" after each brain surgery. And then to find a balance, to start feeling somewhat confident, and then crumble down due to mom's passing. Yet another friggin loss! It's maddening and saddening. And this too shall pass. It is, what it is...right? My favorite quote. Thanks for reading and let me ramble. See, it's hard doing this shit by myself. I do so much by myself....really my self!!! Loneliness and by myself with my walls. But I do it. because I am a tough ass broad. And I share it all on public forums. :p