Saturday, June 1, 2013

Nursing Assistant Woe is me....round one.

So yay for me for making it thru the nursing assistant "class" I made it, learned some new things and had to semi study and just learn new stuff. And I did it and passed. YAY For almost a month I have been working the brain injury unit. I thought it would be a good unit to work, that they all knew me and knew i was a survivor and that maybe just maybe they would help me and be understanding and throw me a bone. Apparently I was wrong. I have felt angry, defeated, overwhelmed, suspicious, bamboozled, set for failure, agitated, confused, have I mentioned angry?? Did I expect too much from myself and my co workers? I wish I had a stop button so I would stop running my mouth. I wish I could keep my attitude in check. I wish I could answer the question "How are you doing?" "How is it going?" Basically all I want to say is how the fuck do you think I am doing and its going pretty crappy. Sometimes people at work ask me that question and my pissiness comes flying out of my mouth before I can stop it. I like aspects of it. I am great with the patients. Patients and families like me. I just get so lost and flustered. I have not been with one person (preceptor) at all. And the one person I was with the most is cranky ass even towards the patients. And because I have been with one person or another for almost a month I am not even sure what I am allowed to do on my own when and if I am eventually set loose. I have been with a nurse all week. I am supposed to be assigned to another nursing assistant to see how they do the job, to see what is expected of me. To learn, to be trained. And this whole nursing thing is new. Even the nurses don't really know why I have to be with them since we do different jobs. I found out that they are putting me with nurses to give me time because I am slower at learning everything and to make sure I am indeed ok to do the job. But the thing is. Shit like this never comes directly from my "boss" or boss like person. There is too much in the unknown. Too many variables. Too many questions. Too much uncertainty, too much chaos. And I do not deal with ANY of that well. Hence more of the pissiness. I know the job itself will have lots of variables. That I can deal with. That is a different kind of variable and uncertainty. I guess I feel that when people are to be training me, and helping me, someone should know what the fuck is going on. And that someone will not be me until I am taught. But everyone else having no idea what is going on with me feels me with an indescribable rage. Tonight I just wanted to curl up inside myself and scream. Did I make a mistake? Did I bite off more than I can chew? I am good with the patients. And only ONE of them has been told I am a survivor. The rest I am good with because of just how I am. My personality in general. Its the rest of the horseshit that is making me go more crazy. I know I can do this job once I get into my own groove. If I am ever given the chance. A lot of time I am so suspicious, untrustworthy, second guessing everyone. Are they going to let me go on or will I be let down gently? Only time will tell. There is so so so much more. But I cannot get it all out. My head feels like there are a bajillion bees in it flying around. And basically that is the way I have felt since starting this. Truth be told I have regressed a bit in that aspect. I guess this is just another hurdle in my so called high functioning TBI life. And this too shall pass.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013


I'm excited scared and apprehensive about my new life yet again.  New life meaning job life.  Paranoia and self doubt is a big part of this version of me....but I've gotten better with that too.
But as I ponder I also have some clarity maybe.  To the "friends" that have left me....I thank you....maybe.  If it weren't for the depression and wicked loneliness and being scared for myself maybe I would not have manned up and had balls enough to try and try for jobs.   Loneliness was a big factor.   So to David and Brad I finally thank you for being assholes and leaving me.  Maybe if it weren't for that part I wouldn't be trying yet a new life being a nursing assistant.
As usual...this is not the life I ever dreamed of or thought of.  I figured if I'd ever be working at a hospital it would have been Western Psych.
  So those that were once a HUGE part of my life and are no longer.....thank you.  With you guys gone I've made new friends.  Desperate for friendship and human contact I fought for jobs and jumped on the dating sites bandwagon hard.  I've meet quite a few asshat jerk faces on the sites....but I've also made a couple friends.
  To the "old" friends that are actually a part of my life thanks for dealing with my version of life.  With job drama, boy drama, medical drama.  Thanks for being there thru it all.  Just stick around and keep me sane thru the new work drama that is bound to happen.  And keep cheering me on when I panic about tests I'll have to take.
  I know I don't give myself enough credit.  Even nurses on TBI tell me I don't give myself enough credit.  But I do have fears and doubts. 
   So to ex friends, old friends, and new friends.  Thank you!!!!!

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Its been a here goes nothing

Wow, 2013! I didn't do a 2012 in review.  I didn't do a 2013 wish list.  I thought about them but forgot to execute said thought.
2012 in review.....I liked life, I hated life, I laughed, I cried(not as much as 2009-2011). Read a lot, remembered I like to draw.  Lost weight gained weight lost weight gained weight.  Made lots of bad decisions, but at least these ones don't cause me to bust my head open. But with those bad decisions i made some good ones to prevent even worse things for me.  Got some more medical shit thrown at me.  Only partially blamed my brain injury for it.  OK that's a lie...totally blame tbi for just about everything.
  I became Wawa to my Boo Bear.  I became a fairy godmother to my fairy god daughter Annie. :)
  I became more vocal on some things.  Have not consciously decided but kind of just go with I really don't care who I piss off or lose any more.  Well there are a select few people I'd be devastated over losing, and some I just don't care.  Don't have the energy nor the willpower to play bullshit pretend friend games.
  Still have paranoia, anxiety, anger, depression, impulsivity, feelings over overwhelmed, over stimulation.  And almost 100% acceptance.  Acceptance because I'm kind of forgetting what I'm comparing this version of me to.  I remember aspects of my old life, but I forget the person I am comparing myself to.  I forget the original.  I know I was sarcastic and perverted and funny.  Guess now I'm just intensified with some bonus features.
    For 2013 I just want me.  Happiness.  I miss happy and fun.  I miss carefree.  I miss not being frantic and sometimes just down right pissy.
I want to try to relax.  I physically, mentally, and emotionally cannot relax.  Maybe try to regain some control.  Its hard.  Harder than for "normal" people.  I know I "look fine". I know I mostly "act fine"  but its way harder than it looks.  Trust me....I should get an Oscar daily.  But for 2013 I just want total acceptance of myself.  And to find some care free days.   And to find a boo.  I change men more than socks.  Lmao.  I need some sort of return policy.