Saturday, June 1, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
I'm excited scared and apprehensive about my new life yet again. New life meaning job life. Paranoia and self doubt is a big part of this version of me....but I've gotten better with that too.
But as I ponder I also have some clarity maybe. To the "friends" that have left me....I thank you....maybe. If it weren't for the depression and wicked loneliness and being scared for myself maybe I would not have manned up and had balls enough to try and try for jobs. Loneliness was a big factor. So to David and Brad I finally thank you for being assholes and leaving me. Maybe if it weren't for that part I wouldn't be trying yet a new life being a nursing assistant.
As usual...this is not the life I ever dreamed of or thought of. I figured if I'd ever be working at a hospital it would have been Western Psych.
So those that were once a HUGE part of my life and are no longer.....thank you. With you guys gone I've made new friends. Desperate for friendship and human contact I fought for jobs and jumped on the dating sites bandwagon hard. I've meet quite a few asshat jerk faces on the sites....but I've also made a couple friends.
To the "old" friends that are actually a part of my life thanks for dealing with my version of life. With job drama, boy drama, medical drama. Thanks for being there thru it all. Just stick around and keep me sane thru the new work drama that is bound to happen. And keep cheering me on when I panic about tests I'll have to take.
I know I don't give myself enough credit. Even nurses on TBI tell me I don't give myself enough credit. But I do have fears and doubts.
So to ex friends, old friends, and new friends. Thank you!!!!!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Wow, 2013! I didn't do a 2012 in review. I didn't do a 2013 wish list. I thought about them but forgot to execute said thought.
2012 in review.....I liked life, I hated life, I laughed, I cried(not as much as 2009-2011). Read a lot, remembered I like to draw. Lost weight gained weight lost weight gained weight. Made lots of bad decisions, but at least these ones don't cause me to bust my head open. But with those bad decisions i made some good ones to prevent even worse things for me. Got some more medical shit thrown at me. Only partially blamed my brain injury for it. OK that's a lie...totally blame tbi for just about everything.
I became Wawa to my Boo Bear. I became a fairy godmother to my fairy god daughter Annie. :)
I became more vocal on some things. Have not consciously decided but kind of just go with I really don't care who I piss off or lose any more. Well there are a select few people I'd be devastated over losing, and some I just don't care. Don't have the energy nor the willpower to play bullshit pretend friend games.
Still have paranoia, anxiety, anger, depression, impulsivity, feelings over overwhelmed, over stimulation. And almost 100% acceptance. Acceptance because I'm kind of forgetting what I'm comparing this version of me to. I remember aspects of my old life, but I forget the person I am comparing myself to. I forget the original. I know I was sarcastic and perverted and funny. Guess now I'm just intensified with some bonus features.
For 2013 I just want me. Happiness. I miss happy and fun. I miss carefree. I miss not being frantic and sometimes just down right pissy.
I want to try to relax. I physically, mentally, and emotionally cannot relax. Maybe try to regain some control. Its hard. Harder than for "normal" people. I know I "look fine". I know I mostly "act fine" but its way harder than it looks. Trust me....I should get an Oscar daily. But for 2013 I just want total acceptance of myself. And to find some care free days. And to find a boo. I change men more than socks. Lmao. I need some sort of return policy.