Friday, October 29, 2010

blah blah blah

I just feel the need to write but I don't know what to say.  Lots going on in my world and some of it I cannot make public just for people's privacy.

Today I saw 2 kids that I knew in my past life, my Hoban 1.0 life.  Boy looked at me and I smiled at him and then he got a huge smile on his face and ran up to me hugged me and said "I didn't know you until you smiled you have a good smile Miss Kara"  It's shit like that I miss on a daily basis.  Unconditional love from kids no matter how "bad" they are.  He was so excited telling me he is in first grade now and not kindergarten and he is 7 not 6 any more and he is trying to be good and misses me. I truly am super popular with the 13 and younger crowd and the 65 and older men.  HA!!!  Guess I need to open a spot for kids and old men to hang with me.  Wonder Woman's House of Acceptance.  I will need a body guard for the dirty old men though. hahah!!
Saw another little girl today and she looked at me, walked away and then came up to me and asked why I was different.  I said I was not and she said i looked different.  I said it was because i had more hair now.  And then she said she did not know me any more.  Said I am the same person and I still love her and I just look different doesn't mean I am different.  She then hugged me and said I was bomb!

Take my job away from me doesn't mean I am not still gonna talk to the kids or help the kids if they see me in the community.  I can still do life skills and not get paid for it.  It is part of my core being, part of ME, I may have broken my brain but the part of me that wants to help kids is not gone.  So suck it!

My mood has been going everywhere lately and I truly thank the person that has been putting up with me on a daily basis.  I am erratic now, random, getting angry, sad, and happy.  HELLO CRAZY!!  :)  Not crazy, just trying to still find my new normal which is really friggin hard to do.  I know people are gonna say there is no such thing as normal, but I need some normalcy, some pattern, some daily activity, etc.  The autistic part of my new brain needs normal.

At this time last year I was still in the hospital.  This will be my first Halloween in this apartment.  Kids that I know have said they are going to try to find where I live.  So I bought candy just in case.  This should be interesting if they find me.  I have a feeling that if they find out where I live I will be having random visitors at random times.  HA!  At least I have clearances and can prove i am not a killer or child abuser if people freak out.  HA!  But honestly, this will be interesting if kids figure out where I live.  Not sure how I am gonna handle this.  Hopefully they don't find me.

Yeah this is like my public "Dear Diary"  Just verbal or written diarrhea I have tonight.  Need to get some stuff out there.  Helps me, helps me sort things and helps me make some of my shit public obviously. Since some people don't talk to me anymore but I know they read this stuff.  Again, am I really that scary since the scramble?  I am essentially the same person.  Maybe a little more verbal about some things, a little more active on other things, a little more emotional, but I am still the same.  And lots of you don't even know the emotional aspect of me anymore since you don't friggin communicate or hang with me anymore.  Again, suck it!

Enough rambling until we meet again...

Saturday, October 16, 2010

This thing called life

I am trying this thing out called life.  Some of you may have heard of it.  It is this thing where you do things. Interact with people, do every day chores like laundry and grocery shopping and other things besides go to doctor appointments or sit in an apartment staring at the walls and crying,

It is not my old life, but it is my new life.  I am still working on a new life.  Trying to build one.  It helps that I have a great friend now that is also unemployed.  We spend the days together when other people are working.  And he understands if I am having an off day, a pissy day, an uncomfortable day, etc.  I don't have to apologize for me even though I constantly do.  I gotta work on that too.  I am me and I have to stop saying sorry for that.

I do greatly miss working.   I miss it so much I cry sometimes.  Aspects of my job were very frustrating but I did love my job.  Loved the kids and families and the differences and the ultimate sameness of the families.  I loved the acceptance and trust I was able to build with the families.  Sometimes it was hard being the Caucasian female in the African american world. I did not want to be THAT lady.  The white one trying to come in and save the day and change everything...etc.  I was the cool lady that came.  Mothers and fathers and extended family accepted me and welcomed me into their homes.  That was awesome!!  It is hard sometimes when I see the family members on the streets at the store, etc.  It hurts.  Sometimes I almost want to cry.  That is the biggest part of my old life  I miss the  most.  Sometimes I still see kids out in the neighborhood and they talk to me.  HI MISS KARA!!!!  and they tell me their problems and want me to "fix" them.  I offer verbal support and cheer them on when I can.

So part of this Life thing I am doing is that I am going to babysit 2-3 days a week.  Going to babysit for my neighbors granddaughter.  She is 3-4 years old.  That will be cool.  I will get the need for child interaction out of my system and I will get a little bit of money.  Between babysitting and all of the TBI research studies I am in I will be pimping.  :)  HAHAHA....or getting some money to buy groceries at least.

After my next neuro appointment Nov 11, I find out when I get my Diamond encrusted platinum plate.  So as parts of my life slowly come together and I get bits and pieces of good news here and there it helps me.  Helps so much.  Some day in the future I will be whole again, will get a job, will have self confidence, and will be my old kick ass self and I will conquer the world with my head held high!!!!!  I just need to be patient not A PATIENT.    

Friday, October 8, 2010

Happy New Year!....please

So the year has passed.  Had a few meltdowns and I am thankful for the people that were there for me and listened to me cry.

It is so weird to be able to pinpoint the exact day when my life changed drastically.  Big change that I was not ready for.  Change is hard when you are not expecting it, especially for my stubborn ass.  To be able to say, October 7 2009 is the last day I mostly remember of my old life of my "normal" life.  I can remember being at work at the school, sitting at my desk and then my friend calling to make sure were were still meeting at H for wings and Pens Hockey.  Yes we were still meeting.  I was so excited!!  PENS HOCKEY..woo hoo!
I kind of remember seeing A at H, and then I kind of remember being at WPT with A and his friend.  Things in between that I don't remember all that much.  The next thing I remember is days/weeks later at the 2nd hospital I was in.  A male nurse undressing me.  Let me tell ya, what a great first semi conscious memory!  :)

To be able to pinpoint the day in your life where you will not be the same from that day onward.  That you will have doctors appointments and surgeries out the wazoo.  That you will live at home for a bit with your parents, that you will be independent again, that you will randomly break again and have your galbladder taken out, that you will lose your job, that you will be walking around with part of your skull missing for over a month, that you will have to get a titanium plate eventually.  That you will probably ruin holidays again, that you don't even bother looking for jobs anymore because honestly who wants a broken ass person who needs to get more surgery and get her skull put back together again!  I am so sick of being a puzzle or a quilt.  Yeah I am always getting sewn back together!

To be able  to say that there was one Kara and now there is another Kara.  I know I am different.  I try to accept the differences, but I do get pissed too.  I still have my sense of humor, thank god I did not lose that.  But there are parts of me that are way different.  I may be a bit different, but I am still Kara.  If I can get used to the new me I don't know why some others can't.  People can have excuses for not being the same kind of friends we were before but I am sick of the excuses and call bullshit!  Some people need to man up!  Either still be my full time friend or just walk the hell away.  Let me know it is done and over with so I don't hold onto hope.

I second guess myself alot now.  And I am constantly saying sorry for everything!  I feel like I always need to apologize.  It annoys me and i know it annoys others.  I am what I am.  sorry.  :)

So for the year of shit I have had, and the partial shit I have had in 2010 i really need 2011 to be a good damn year!   I need it so badly!  So I am having a new years resolution now.

I will not get on a motorcycle.  (Easy one!)  I will try not to dwell on the past and will try to move forward.  I will try to not be so down on myself.  I will try to find the silver lining in all of this.  I will build up my self confidence.  I will try to mentally say goodbye to those that are no longer in my life.  I will try to accept the new me and my new life.

See, this is why I am starting my resolution early.  That's a lot to do and I need time.

Everyone normally sees the strong Wonder Woman Kara.  Almost all of you have not seen or heard the hott mess crying Kara.  The defeated Kara.  The Kara that literally rocks back and forth and shakes and cries.  Cries out of anger and sadness.  Sometimes Wonder Woman is a front.

And thankfully I write this all down, because honestly,  I will not remember my resolutions.  Hence my obsession with post it notes now.  :)

Pretty sure post-its were made for the brain injured.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

almost one year......surreal

So on October 7th it will be one year of scramble brain.  Well technically I guess it is the 8th depending on how you look at it, but it is the 7th for me.  The 7th is the last thing I remember.  I remember having plans for wings and Penguins hockey night with a friend.  I remember meeting that person out and then....well, lots of you know the rest.  I dont really remember much much more until about Novemeber 5th for good.  The day I was released from the hospital.  I remember bits and pieces of my hospital stays, but nothing is really in order.  Its like watching a movie that skips all around.

In that year I have had a total of 3 brain skull surgeries, gall bladder removed, stent placed on liver, stent taken out of liver.  Numerous doctors appointments, numerous needles and shots, different kinds of tubes hanging out of my body, whether it be a picc line or a jp drain.  I have been on numerous medications and have been taken off of numerous meds too.  I am known at 3of the hospitals here.  Hell, even at one of the hospitals the Parking attendant people know me.  I walk through some of the hospitals and nurses and doctors say hi to me.  Its cool, but not so cool at the same time.

In the year I have had some holidays that I dont really remember all that much of.  I just know i was probably not the happiest camper.  I have had my head partially shaved and caved in and had to wear a helmet since there was a hole in my skull.  Ironic I wear the helmet after the motorcycle accident.  I have a hole in my skull now from the bacteria.  Surgeons had to take a part of skull out,  but this time I don't have to wear a helmet.  THANK GOD!!!  ANd then on the 7th I have my cat scan to measure the hole and i have a docs appt with my neurosurgeon to see when I am getting put back together yet again!  I need to stop being taken apart and being put back together.  I am not a puzzle!!!

In the year I have had Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy, Speech Therapy, Cognitive therapy, and neuropsych testing to make sure I was ok.  I have had a state driving evaluation to make sure I was ok for driving.  I have had tons of CAT Scans, X-rays, and MRIs.  I am totally radioactive now.

In the year I have gained new friends, I have lost friends, I lost my independence, I have gained my independence.  I lost my self esteem I regained my self esteem.  I got my job back I lost my job.

One of the things that I love the most about what happened to me is this.  Part of my job was working at a summer camp for kids with behavior problems/mental health diagnosis.  There was a little girl, 8 years old that  is TBI. I called her my mini me.  She was tooooo cute.  Finally one day I was having an off day and needed some time to myself and she came with me.  I said I had a headache and she said she had one too and said that she had a brain boo boo.  She didnt always come out and tell people that.  I looked at her and said, Hey baby I have a brain boo boo too.  She didnt believe me and then i showed her my scars.  Her face lit up.  She  didnt know of adults with brain boo boos.  She asked if a mean man beat me too :(  She asked if i failed kindergarten because I couldnt member my ABC's and 123's.  Then she said she wanted to be like me when she was old because I am nice to everyone and like everyone even though I have a brain boo boo.  That day and that moment gave me a purpose for my brain boo boo!  That she can see that she can be "normal" and that people dont need to know she has a brain boo boo.  I almost cried at that moment with her.

In this year i have had many ups and downs.  Lots and lots of downs.  I am sure I had lots of ups, but the downs are what stick with me.  Because they hurt the most.  hurt stays more than happiness.  That is a fact of life.

Now I am struggling again to find my purpose.  What do I do now?

As my one year comes up, it wouldnt be too too bad except for the fact that I now have to prepare for another surgery eventually.  That I am getting my CT that day and seeing the neuro to plan the next skull surgery.  I am like really?????  It has to happen on the one year mark???  Damn!  Make one friggin really bad choice and it comes back to bite me in the ass daily, but that day is gonna slam me!  It is just too weird that all that crap is going on on that day!  DAMN!  I mean if it wasnt for my mistake in the first place i never would have had that bacteria in my skull and I would not be needing to get a titanium plate in my head.

It is what it is, but hell, I am even getting sick of saying that.  And yeah, I know I have had many high points, I just need to stop mentally beating myself up.  But that is easier said than done.