Monday, October 8, 2012

3 years

3 years ago I made a bad choice.  At the time I did not know it was a bad choice.  Oh hindsite, you wascally wabbit.   That choice made me what I am today.  Wonder woman.
I am not proud of the choice.  I question it.  And hell, I don't even remember it.  To this day I get frustrated with the fact I have no memory of it.  I used to get angry and upset I couldn't remember.  Now I get frustrated, but I don't beat myself up over the lack of memory.  I don't try to wrack my mind and put pieces together.  I have embraced the fact now that it cannot be done.  Like I really only have dim memories of that night.  I don't remember all the players involved in my drama.  I remember the settings.  I remember one person I planned to meet and why.  Then I remember the boy that broke me and his buddy.  Don't really k ow all that much more.  Frustrating and weird, yes.  But not worth beating myself up for it any more.
Life has thrown me wicked curve ball after wicked curve ball, but I keep hitting homers.  Pretty soon some day it's gonna be a grand slam. references from the woman that doesn't like baseball.  Clearly I have a brain injury.
Maybe in the future october 7 will just be a day.  Not a day that I sit and reflect and cry for a bit over a dumb choice, over the life I lost, of what was.  But that's hard.  I do miss aspects of the old life.  But I'm getting better with that.  Still hold resentment and heartache over the people I thought were friends leaving .  But I'm getting a bit better with that too.  Its all about baby steps and I've been taking them for 3 years.
I have come a long way baby.  From coma, to rehab hospital, to living with parents, to back on my own, to brain surgery after brain  surgery after brain surgery, to building confidence, building a life, and kicking ass.  Sure I have melt downs, but in general I'm kicking ass.  That's all I can do.  Kick ass one day at a time for years to come.  Brain injury doesn't just go away.  I learn to adapt and not lose the rest of my mind.
Thank you all for being around for the wild wide.