Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year, please

I know that I did a happy new years thing before but I dont remember what I put.   I know I was probably being mostly snarky....and i probably will be in this too, but i would like to wish those of you that actually read this a Happy New Year!

I am begging for a GOOD YEAR.  One full good year.  PUH-LEZE!!!  I don't think that is asking for too too much.
2009 was the start of my downfall.  I thought 2010 was gonna be good and it was pretty good, I was learning the new me and getting some independence back and some life back, and then it went down the shitter.
NO MORE MOTHER EFFIN BRAIN SURGERIES PLEASE!!!!!!  AND NO MORE BODY ORGANS REMOVED!!!!!  NO MORE TITANIUM INSERTED.  I am done done done done done.  I need to get my life back please.

I mean really, I need a life.  I need to stop being in fear, and to be able to start planning things for future.  I don't mean long future, just a weekend or something.  I need to be able to do that.  I can't do it now because i never know how i am going to feel.  If i am gonna be in a good mood or bad mood or too tired or too dizzy.  I friggin hate that.  I need to find me again.

I need to get a job.  A real job.  I am too high functioning for assembly line stuff through Life Works.  I REFUSE RETAIL.  I dont care, I REFUSE IT!!!!!  I need a real job, a career job.  Like helping people kind of job.  And yeah, I am most comfortable in hospitals, so still tossing around idea of Nurses Aide if I can just get over my anxieties about myself.  I gotta stop second guessing myself.  I CAN DO STUFF!!!   TBI does not define me, it is just a part of who I am, gotta stop letting it get the best of me.

So for new years, here I go....
   I will not get on a motorcycle.  LOL
   I will try to get a job (after more rehab)
   I will be proactive and get rehab
   I will try to find more friends
   I will officially let go of and not hold out hope for those friends that have left me.  I have to let go, I cannot hold on it hurts too much.
   I will try to define a new life "normal" for me.
   I will try to forget the past.
   I will grow hair  :)

   Again, Happy New Year to you all.  Hope 2011 rocks!!!!!!!!

And Yes, I did forget one thing.  THANKS SHANNON...i will spoil my nephew BOO BEAR!!!  I will spoil him so so so rotten.  I mean I did spoil him when he was just a picture still..gotta spoil him hard core now that he is out and about.  :)

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas and my new brain yet again

  Christmas was good, but i noticed some new things about me yet again.   These are new things that I am noticing at least since the titanium plate was placed on Dec. 8th.
   Crowds and sounds and such have been a point of mine I do need to work on.  But this Christmas eve I was getting my "sweaty palm disease"  Yes, I self diagnosed myself with something.  HA!!  I have had enough surgeries I think I qualify as  doctor now.  :)

  But, Christmas Eve was at families house.  There was maybe 15 people there and I had to put myself into time out.  I was getting so overwhelmed, anxious, self conscious, and just EEERRRRG!!!!!  The christmas music and people talking was so overwhelming.  Like a batrillion bees flying at me.  I couldn't filter out if people were talking to me or just talking to each other.  It is so hard for me since the scramble and now it was intensified.  I was getting so angry at the situation and myself that I went to the garage to calm myself.  Iutistic wish I could put these feelings into better words.

   That was for about the first 3 hours.  And then as my body acclimated and I calmed myself I was better and able to handle the night better.  I just get so annoyed I have to change myself for situations.  I just want to be "normal" again.  I know that is not going to happen, I know that but that does not mean I still don't get frustrated!
    Now I am gonna go get my new Black Eyed Peas cd and bounce around and shake my groove thang!!!  LOL.  Makes me happy, I love me some Pop, R&B, Rap now.  LOVE IT!!!!  Puts me in a good place.  If you get a chance read Speed of Dark by Elizabeth Moon fiction/sci fi about an autistic man (high functioning) that listens to music at work, he is allowed.  I get it!!  I need that if I get a job.  Just to be able to function.

   Well, thats my rambling for today!!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Things gained and lost since TBI

I have lost and gained weight without YO YO dieting.  I couldn’t do a yo yo now, too much concentration.

Lost ability to concentrate on things.  I used to love reading!!  LOVED it.  Now it is almost a chore.  Even though  I still try.

Lost job
Lost friends
Lost self confidence
Lost Life

Gained sarcasm. YES even more than I already had.  WATCH OUT!!!!
Gained some balls and I guess in that aspect that could be why I lost some friends
Gained the knowledge of who my true friends are.

Lost the ability to go to new places without freakin out.  I need someone to go with me or I get so confused.  After first time I am ok.

Gained the knowledge that stubborness is a good thing since it got me this far

Lost ability to be able  to answer a question.

Gained dis-inhibition  LOL.  THIS IS A FUN ONE!!!!!!!

Lost internal organ.  GOOD BYE Galbladder, nice knowing ya!

Gained titanium in head.  HELLZ yeah!!  Guess I will be head to the wall instead of balls to the wall.

Lost shame.  Pretty much every doc and or nurse in UPMC system has seen me nekkid and has heard my potty mouth.  LOL.  Pretty sure most of my friends have gotten a show too.  I ROCK!!!

Gained more knowledge of the brain and its functions than I ever thought possible.

Gained a true understanding of my grandmother when she was alive.  She had alzheimers.  I now understand how she couldn’t remember what happened an hour ago yet could remember stuff from 20 years ago.  I get that now.

Gained a better understanding of the kids I used to work with that were autistic.

I know I joke about my Alzheimers brain and autistic brain, but it is true.  I don’t remember things in the moment, yet I remember something from years ago.  New places freak me out, lack of routine is killing me.  Hello Autistic Granny.

Gained a friend in real life and a whole virtual family.  My virtual TBI family means so much to me.  Michelle, Toni, Barb, Brian, Wally, NjGirl, the rest of the crew!!!

Hopefully someday I will think of more things gained!!

Friday, December 17, 2010

jabber jaws day...this is a positive one not a bitch fest

I realized that I do spend so much time on the negative.  It is just easier, but I do want to say this.

THANK YOU for those of you that have stuck through this with me.
Thanks to those of you that support me on facebook.  That send me lil messages and that just keep my spirits up.  Thank you.

Thank you to those friends that live within a ten mile radius of me and have stayed with me.
  Thank you for giving birth to your son when it was convenient for me to be there.
  Thank you for taking me and or coming with me to doctors appointments.  The ones where I was too scared to drive myself.  The ones that could have been scary appointments.  The one year anniversay appointments, and the ones at new doctor offices.
  Thank you for taking me to court and staying with me.
   Thank you for those of you that have rearranged schedules to help me on days when you should have been working.
   Thank you for those of you that have taken me to the grocery story at the beginning when it was way too overwhelming for me.
  Thank you for those of you that have trusted me to drive you places even though I have 0 confidence in my driving skills.
  Thanks for those of you that have offered to help me and actually meant it.
   Thanks to you who has driven me to a friends house when I was too scared to drive to that house.
  Thanks to those of you that have stuck through the good, bad and ugly.  You have seen me not be able to drive to your house to be able to drive there.  You got to see how excited I was that I drove there.  That was a HUGE step for me.
  You got to see me freak out and not be able to handle the mall or wal-mart to be able to do it without cringing in a corner.
   You have seen me break down and cry yet you have also been around to hear my laughter, to see me make fun of myself.
    You have seen my temper tantrums, have heard me verbally beat the shit outta myself, yet you stay here to help me and to make me feel better about myself.

  I know I am not 100%.  I know I have stuff to work on, and those of you that have stayed with me do make it worth it even though I am a negative  nelly alot.
  And those of you that are fairweather friends, you can bite me.  You do not get to be a part of my happiness and joy when I have it.  You just get the bitch me or nothing at all.  You are no longer worth my energy.

   This message is not for those of you that do not live near me.  So Meghan, Jason, Burke, Gina, cousins, you are all in the clear.  :) 
seriously, i dont know what to do with this version of me.  karaoops 4.0 I guess.

My anger is gettin intensified.  The littlest things piss me off and then I mentally beat myself up for being an "asshole" 

I snapped at my mom because she wanted me to make xmas cookies.  normally I like doing that.  This time the directions were so confusing!!  NO, they were not, they were the same as always  but they confused me and pissed me off.  NOthing was ready.  I had to find all the ingredients and get the bowls out and whatnot and this put me over the edge.  OMG, this is nuts.  I can't stand it.

I think part of it has to do with teh fact that since July I have not had  routine.  And once I kind of find one or a semblance of one I get uprooted again.  Right now since my last surgery I have been in Easten PA with my parents, not Pittsburgh.  The "autistic" part of my new brain really really really CRAVES a routine.  I need some semblance of a normal life.

Its to the point that I want to just tell people to avoid me and to give accolades to those who have left me high and dry a year ago.  PROPS to you for leaving me...guess you made the wise choice.
Who me, Bitter???  Never.  :)

Surgery healing wise I am fine.  No pain, I stopped taking my pain meds.  But there is emotional/mental pain.  I am an emotional wreck that is trying to keep it together.  My throught processing is slower than it has been since the beginning of this grand BI trip.  And that pisses me off and makes me sad at the same time.  And the anger is getting harder to control.  I am still not physically violent, but I am Bitchy mcBitcherson.  :)  I even said to my dad I am apparently not happy unless I have something to bitch about.

Sorry for the language in this post.  I just cannot edit myself, makes me tired.  I am done editing, I am going balls to the wall in internet life and real life. Screw it, I got nothing to lose.  Lost most my friends, lost my job, lost majority of my life.  Got nothing left.  So Balls to the Wall bitch it is.  :)

There really is a difference in this version of me.  I know I need BI help, but I dont know how to get it because I am too high functining I have fallen through the cracks.

And parts of me have thought about giving up this blog since it seems to make people upset or question me.  M, I am not referring to you.  Just sayin' wondertwin. :)   But the thing is, if this pisses any of you off, then don't read the damn thing.  People have told me before that  they were going to stop reading this, then they continued then they ripped me a new asshole and deleted me from their lives literally and facebook wise.  Guess she couldnt handle the truth.  Hmmmmm......she.....should I name she???  LOL.

So if this is my way of giving the world the finger then let me do it.  It is better than me running around punching everyone.  I can see how TBIers with less cognition can be physically violent.  I get it, I do.  Part of me wishes I could just be physically violent even if it was just for one day.  I think it would help me...but I won't do it because surprisingly I do have some self control.  Now get me in a store or around a hot man there goes the self control.  LOL. 

Ok done rambling for now.  Love me or hate me, it's your choice.  I am what I am.  Maybe I should ask for another surgery so I can be Kara 5.0 and ask for good upgrades.  Happy, Decision making skills, some impulse control, maybe lose the disinhibition, control of my POTTY mouth.  And maybe clean my dirty birdy mind a bit.  I mean I know I have always been gutter brain, but now it is increased.  My poor mom is gonna have a heart attack with the stuff that comes outta my mouth. 

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Brain surgery number 4

One of the bonuses of this  brain surgery is that the docs told me to drink caffeine to help with the headaches and I guess to keep the titanium in my brain lubricated.  But they forgot to give my my 'script for Starbucks.  :)

Surgery was on Wednesday and they wanted to discharge me on Thursday.  WTF??  I think they look of pure fear on my face and the fact that I almost burst into tears made them change their minds and I was released on Friday.  Nothing like outpatient brain surgery.  LOL.

Yeah I am jokin now but that is just so I don't completly freak out.  I hurt like a mo-fo.  Half my face is swollen, I am rocking a black eye, my neck is even swollen, and really, I am so so so so HOTT!!! 

Remember Animal from the Muppet show?  He is now in my head. He is playing the drums, running around screaming ANIMAL and pinching the inside of my head with the drumsticks.  If I was able to I would shrink down, go inside my own brain and beat the shit out of him.

I am a sexy cyborg gangsta. 

I am also loopy, and I cannot blame it on the drugs.  I don't have any more good stuff since I am out of the hospital.  BOOOOOO.

I hate when my friends text me and let me know the normal fun things they are doing.  I know that they mean well, I know that they are trying to make me feel normal.  In my old life this would have been fine, it would have been normal and i would not have thought anything of it.  And now it just hurts.  I just miss having a life.  I hate being transported back and forth from Western PA to Eastern PA.  I just need some sort of normalcy.  Something, anything.  And I need better drugs right now for the pain.  :)  Drugs, they do a body good.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

here I go again on my own.....KINDA, just have that song in my head

So I know my blog seems like a bitch fest sometimes.  I know that, I really do, but I NEED this or I really would be running around beating the shit out of people.  Seriously.  I have explained enough why I am like this, but one more time...Imagine having your life just taken away from you and being aware that the life was taken away from  you and trying to figure out how the hell to get a new life and being scared to death of doing that.

The up down all around emotions I have must be tough for those of you that put up with me and them.  Imagine how they are for me.  THEY SUCK.  I dont want to be psycho crazy bitch, I really don't want to be.  It's not fun for me.

And speaking of fun.  I hate when I hear some songs from my Old Life, they remind of the fun times and fun life I used to have.  And then it makes me cry.  I love Black Eyed Peas and there are some songs of theirs I cannot listen to because they remind me soooo much of good times in my old life.

I hate being 31 and having different lives.  Really, I swear I am not schizophrenic, I am just complicated.

I really do miss the old fun me.  Yeah I had my moments, who hasn't.? It seems like I am in a perpetual moment now.

This blog helps me and I hope that it helps some of you.  I am trying to teach you about me without having to talk to you about this stuff.  It is easier for me to write it out than speak it.  This way if I use a wrong word or even lose my words for a minute I won't beat myself up because I am not being "weak" in front of you by making a mistake.  You don't know I am making mistakes.  Thank god for proof reading.

Do you know what it is like to feel like you have to fit in all responsibilities and fun you can accomplish into 3 days, because in 4 days you are having brain surgery again?  I feel like I need to pay all my bills, and do all my chores, and  try to have some fun...whatever that is.  I feel I need to cram it in and that in itself is not fun.  It makes me feel frantic, and when I feel frantic I make more mistakes.

I need to do this because I will be having surgery and then ripped from my Western PA life and have to go to Eastern PA with my parents until I can be independent again or until after Christmas.  I don't like all of that change and going back and forth.  It physically hurts my head and it emotionally hurts me too.

 Seriously, brain injury really does suck.  I don't know if people can grasp that.  I mean really. Sometimes it's the little shit that will put me over the edge and then I miss the big stuff.  My brain is a literal cluster fuck.  I don't think they should call it Traumatic Brain Injury, they should just call it Traumatic Cluster Fuck. Let's keep it real.