Saturday, June 1, 2013
So yay for me for making it thru the nursing assistant "class" I made it, learned some new things and had to semi study and just learn new stuff. And I did it and passed. YAY For almost a month I have been working the brain injury unit. I thought it would be a good unit to work, that they all knew me and knew i was a survivor and that maybe just maybe they would help me and be understanding and throw me a bone. Apparently I was wrong. I have felt angry, defeated, overwhelmed, suspicious, bamboozled, set for failure, agitated, confused, have I mentioned angry?? Did I expect too much from myself and my co workers? I wish I had a stop button so I would stop running my mouth. I wish I could keep my attitude in check. I wish I could answer the question "How are you doing?" "How is it going?" Basically all I want to say is how the fuck do you think I am doing and its going pretty crappy. Sometimes people at work ask me that question and my pissiness comes flying out of my mouth before I can stop it. I like aspects of it. I am great with the patients. Patients and families like me. I just get so lost and flustered. I have not been with one person (preceptor) at all. And the one person I was with the most is cranky ass even towards the patients. And because I have been with one person or another for almost a month I am not even sure what I am allowed to do on my own when and if I am eventually set loose. I have been with a nurse all week. I am supposed to be assigned to another nursing assistant to see how they do the job, to see what is expected of me. To learn, to be trained. And this whole nursing thing is new. Even the nurses don't really know why I have to be with them since we do different jobs. I found out that they are putting me with nurses to give me time because I am slower at learning everything and to make sure I am indeed ok to do the job. But the thing is. Shit like this never comes directly from my "boss" or boss like person. There is too much in the unknown. Too many variables. Too many questions. Too much uncertainty, too much chaos. And I do not deal with ANY of that well. Hence more of the pissiness. I know the job itself will have lots of variables. That I can deal with. That is a different kind of variable and uncertainty. I guess I feel that when people are to be training me, and helping me, someone should know what the fuck is going on. And that someone will not be me until I am taught. But everyone else having no idea what is going on with me feels me with an indescribable rage. Tonight I just wanted to curl up inside myself and scream. Did I make a mistake? Did I bite off more than I can chew? I am good with the patients. And only ONE of them has been told I am a survivor. The rest I am good with because of just how I am. My personality in general. Its the rest of the horseshit that is making me go more crazy. I know I can do this job once I get into my own groove. If I am ever given the chance. A lot of time I am so suspicious, untrustworthy, second guessing everyone. Are they going to let me go on or will I be let down gently? Only time will tell. There is so so so much more. But I cannot get it all out. My head feels like there are a bajillion bees in it flying around. And basically that is the way I have felt since starting this. Truth be told I have regressed a bit in that aspect. I guess this is just another hurdle in my so called high functioning TBI life. And this too shall pass.