Thursday, June 23, 2016
Damn. 2 years since I wrote here. I used to live for this. Accomplishments, introspection, failures, laughs, frustration, tears. Loneliness. I know that was a big reason. And getting all my emotions out before I'd crack. Bein inspiration for some. Showing reality of my TBI. Educating others. Bein proud of moments. 2 years. I'm not as angry. I think I've reached my baseline. Don't get me wrong. I do get angry. When I feel slighted, when things don't go my way, when I'm too smart for my own good, when I feel I've done something stupid. It's just moments, not my baseline. Pretty sure I'm more tired. Don't think that will ever end. Hopefully it doesn't get worse. I'm fortunate to be able to work. That I know. Is it the best for me? Yes and no. It makes me the angriest out of all angry making things. I still feel better than my job. Probably always will. But it is what it is. Though I will always wish for more. Change is still hard. Always will be. Always react the same. It's just me. I don't laugh like I used too. Not enough. Not real. Not loud. But I do still laugh. 2 years ago I bought the house then immediately went to living in sin with Sev. It's nice to have a boy lift really heavy things. He cuts onions and meat too because knives scare me now. It's nice having someone that deals with my kinda crazy and cranky and tears by making me laugh, squishing me, and agreeing that everyone is a twatwaffle, jerk, or whatever my insult is at the moment. A lot of times he's my rock. Grounds me. And takes my crazy and rolls with it. So I think this is the me I'm going to be. I'm somewhat content. But i will always and forever remember her and miss her. The her I was. Yes I know there is a lot I should like about myself and cherish now. But I miss her and that's my right. The her before didn't have diabetes, female reproductive issues, GI problems, partial epilepsy, mood disorders, hypertension, sleep disorders, limited peripheral vision, half a titanium skull, tilted walk, jacked up back. My life just feels like a list of ailments and meds. But it's my life now. It's the life I have due to a bad idea. But within that bad idea I appreciate the things I have left. My Dadoo, Shannon, Will, Holden, Gina, Ryan, Sev, Elisabeth, Meghan, Jason, Sam, Annie. The important stuff. And I also have my independence, ability to drive, ability to work, ability to talk, ability to walk, ability to think. The ability to be. I'm still working on the best me to be. Maybe there's room for improvements, tweaks, upgrades. This story is far from over.