Thursday, June 23, 2016
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
I'm excited scared and apprehensive about my new life yet again. New life meaning job life. Paranoia and self doubt is a big part of this version of me....but I've gotten better with that too.
But as I ponder I also have some clarity maybe. To the "friends" that have left me....I thank you....maybe. If it weren't for the depression and wicked loneliness and being scared for myself maybe I would not have manned up and had balls enough to try and try for jobs. Loneliness was a big factor. So to David and Brad I finally thank you for being assholes and leaving me. Maybe if it weren't for that part I wouldn't be trying yet a new life being a nursing assistant.
As usual...this is not the life I ever dreamed of or thought of. I figured if I'd ever be working at a hospital it would have been Western Psych.
So those that were once a HUGE part of my life and are no longer.....thank you. With you guys gone I've made new friends. Desperate for friendship and human contact I fought for jobs and jumped on the dating sites bandwagon hard. I've meet quite a few asshat jerk faces on the sites....but I've also made a couple friends.
To the "old" friends that are actually a part of my life thanks for dealing with my version of life. With job drama, boy drama, medical drama. Thanks for being there thru it all. Just stick around and keep me sane thru the new work drama that is bound to happen. And keep cheering me on when I panic about tests I'll have to take.
I know I don't give myself enough credit. Even nurses on TBI tell me I don't give myself enough credit. But I do have fears and doubts.
So to ex friends, old friends, and new friends. Thank you!!!!!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Wow, 2013! I didn't do a 2012 in review. I didn't do a 2013 wish list. I thought about them but forgot to execute said thought.
2012 in review.....I liked life, I hated life, I laughed, I cried(not as much as 2009-2011). Read a lot, remembered I like to draw. Lost weight gained weight lost weight gained weight. Made lots of bad decisions, but at least these ones don't cause me to bust my head open. But with those bad decisions i made some good ones to prevent even worse things for me. Got some more medical shit thrown at me. Only partially blamed my brain injury for it. OK that's a lie...totally blame tbi for just about everything.
I became Wawa to my Boo Bear. I became a fairy godmother to my fairy god daughter Annie. :)
I became more vocal on some things. Have not consciously decided but kind of just go with I really don't care who I piss off or lose any more. Well there are a select few people I'd be devastated over losing, and some I just don't care. Don't have the energy nor the willpower to play bullshit pretend friend games.
Still have paranoia, anxiety, anger, depression, impulsivity, feelings over overwhelmed, over stimulation. And almost 100% acceptance. Acceptance because I'm kind of forgetting what I'm comparing this version of me to. I remember aspects of my old life, but I forget the person I am comparing myself to. I forget the original. I know I was sarcastic and perverted and funny. Guess now I'm just intensified with some bonus features.
For 2013 I just want me. Happiness. I miss happy and fun. I miss carefree. I miss not being frantic and sometimes just down right pissy.
I want to try to relax. I physically, mentally, and emotionally cannot relax. Maybe try to regain some control. Its hard. Harder than for "normal" people. I know I "look fine". I know I mostly "act fine" but its way harder than it looks. Trust me....I should get an Oscar daily. But for 2013 I just want total acceptance of myself. And to find some care free days. And to find a boo. I change men more than socks. Lmao. I need some sort of return policy.
Monday, October 8, 2012
3 years ago I made a bad choice. At the time I did not know it was a bad choice. Oh hindsite, you wascally wabbit. That choice made me what I am today. Wonder woman.
I am not proud of the choice. I question it. And hell, I don't even remember it. To this day I get frustrated with the fact I have no memory of it. I used to get angry and upset I couldn't remember. Now I get frustrated, but I don't beat myself up over the lack of memory. I don't try to wrack my mind and put pieces together. I have embraced the fact now that it cannot be done. Like I really only have dim memories of that night. I don't remember all the players involved in my drama. I remember the settings. I remember one person I planned to meet and why. Then I remember the boy that broke me and his buddy. Don't really k ow all that much more. Frustrating and weird, yes. But not worth beating myself up for it any more.
Life has thrown me wicked curve ball after wicked curve ball, but I keep hitting homers. Pretty soon some day it's gonna be a grand slam. Ahhh...baseball references from the woman that doesn't like baseball. Clearly I have a brain injury.
Maybe in the future october 7 will just be a day. Not a day that I sit and reflect and cry for a bit over a dumb choice, over the life I lost, of what was. But that's hard. I do miss aspects of the old life. But I'm getting better with that. Still hold resentment and heartache over the people I thought were friends leaving . But I'm getting a bit better with that too. Its all about baby steps and I've been taking them for 3 years.
I have come a long way baby. From coma, to rehab hospital, to living with parents, to back on my own, to brain surgery after brain surgery after brain surgery, to building confidence, building a life, and kicking ass. Sure I have melt downs, but in general I'm kicking ass. That's all I can do. Kick ass one day at a time for years to come. Brain injury doesn't just go away. I learn to adapt and not lose the rest of my mind.
Thank you all for being around for the wild wide.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
One year ago today I lost my mom. I did not misplace her, or lose her at the mall when I couldn't see her tiny self over the clothes racks. She passed away. May 3 2011 I grew a spontaneous set of balls and drove home for the first time since my brain injury. I only know the date due to pictures with date stamps and my blog. I take lots of pics now and live on facebook and blogger to help with my memory. I am so glad that mom knew I was there. That we did have a few moments. I don't really remember them, but I know I had her laughing and smiling. Probably because I was being a horn dog and inappropriate. Because that's how I roll. May 3 I surprised mom and dad and May 6, she was gone. I curled up in bed with her in the ICU and gave her permission to go, I told her it wasn't worth it to keep fighting it and that it was ok. I played Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's Somewhere Over the Rainbow and then she left. I had to take the song off of my Mp3 player because when I hear it now, when it would randomly play, I would sob and get pissed off. It's strange. In 1992 there was one night sleeping that something did not feel right, I had an odd feeling about my Mom Mom (mom's mom) That morning I did NOT want to go to school. I did not feel right, it didn't feel right if I went to school. My parents made me go. At some point I was called out of class to be told Mom Mom died. Then this time, May 3rd I grow a set and go home. I felt I had to go, then May 6, mom was gone. I must have a strong McGuire connection. This may all seem like hocus pocus, me blowing smoke, but this is all true!!!! Sometimes I find random items in my apartment that have a connection to mom. I dont remember the specific connections but I get overwhelmed with sadness and anger and frustration because I can't remember the connection. I throw those things out with a heavy heart and a shaking hand and tears. And I always say "goodbye mommy" Sometimes I stare at the item and wonder if I should keep it. But I do throw it out. Why keep it and anger myself because I can't remember the connection even though I feel there is one. I have an easier time remembering feelings than things. Please don't try to compare your parents losses to the loss of my mother. I know you are trying to sympathize. I know that, and I appreciate that, but to me this is different. I know I am not the only young female in the world to lose my mother, but this is just too much! From October 7 2009 to May 6 2011 I lost myself, my job, my friends, some body parts, my life as I knew it. Sure I sometimes put on a semi good front, but do you know what it is like to lose your sense of self, to have to rebuild, to have to struggle to find new "norms" after each brain surgery. And then to find a balance, to start feeling somewhat confident, and then crumble down due to mom's passing. Yet another friggin loss! It's maddening and saddening. And this too shall pass. It is, what it is...right? My favorite quote. Thanks for reading and let me ramble. See, it's hard doing this shit by myself. I do so much by myself....really my self!!! Loneliness and by myself with my walls. But I do it. because I am a tough ass broad. And I share it all on public forums. :p