Tuesday, May 17, 2011

what doesnt kill me makes me stronger...I am the strongest woman ever!!!

While this is not brain injury specific, brain injury does play a role in this tale.

For a few months, I have been fighting myself (mentally) fighting the system, worrying for my mom and dad, and trying to live a life.  For a month or 2, I have said to my friends "I dont think my mom has long for this world."  On May 3 I grew a giant set of balls and drove home.  My mom was back in the hospital.  For most people this would be ok, for me it was EPIC.  It was first time driving across the state since my Brain Injury 19 months ago.  That was such a big deal for me.  I have the self esteem and self confidence of a gnat about lots of things, and me getting across the state was so AMAZING!!!!   Mom didnt know I was coming, and neither did dad.  SNEAKY I was.   Tuesday I got here, mom was able to understand that I was here.  I joked with her a bit, I am glad she was able to understand I made it here.  I needed to see her.  Ironically I was saying to friends I needed to try to make it across the state so I can prove to myself that I can do it, just so that the first time I did it would not be for a funeral.  So Tuesday I made it to Wilkes Barre, Friday Mom passed.  So I guess the first time I made it across the state was for a funeral but at least I did it without knowing it would be for a funeral.   Sad as it is, I do still applaud myself for making it.  Something like that has built my confidence a bit.

I am glad mom got to hear that I had an interview at UPMC.  I have heard from people that she was very happy for me and excited.  That makes me happy that I finally started sharing some of my life with her before she passed.  I kept a lot to myself because I did not want her to worry about me  or give her false hope that I was rocking at life!!  2 hours after burying her, UPMC called me with the job offer!!  I ran outside and screamed THANK YOU MOM to the sky!  2 hours in the ground and she was already busy trying to get my life in order.  I can imagine wee lil mom being up there raising hell, trying to get me some help I need.  <3 her for that!

Stress, sadness, emotions running amok and brain injury are not a good combination.  But it is what it is.  I was losing words more, using wrong words, totally not editing myself, being innapropriate (more so), and trolling for men at mom's viewing.  (LOL, yeah I was)  There was no filter on me whatsoever.

Mom's passing is just the icing on the cake of 19 months of hell for me....and now for my dad (more so)  Brain injury, 4 brain surgeries, galbladder out, losing my job, me being a general hot mess, mom diagnosed with cancer, mom passing.  Someday this shit has got to stop.  Though if it keeps on going, I really will be the strongest woman ever, no doubt about it!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Life- Full Force

April has been busy busy busy.

Physical Therapy 2 times a week.  Fighting with unemployment.  Applying for jobs.  Getting physicals for a job I got, starting said job and having my head pop off.

I dont know if it is me, or if the job experience at this agency is as confusing as I think it is.  I get so flustered, overwhelemed, yet zone out, get frustrated, feel lost mentally and physically, yet it is what it is.  Can't live life by not living it.

After I accepeted this job I got a call from UPMC asking if I wanted to interview for one of the batrillion jobs I applied for.  OMG, talked about geeked.  It would be full time, with benefits.  In case y'all don't know, I NEED BENEFITS since going to all sorts of doctors really is my part time job.

I interviewed for the job and it went well.  They are going through the process of all the background checks.  I am geeked and anxious.  And don't bother telling me everyone gets anxious about new jobs.  I know, I have had new jobs before.  But this is a different anxiety.  Don't try to compare normal to brain injured.  I get frustrated when people do that.  I know you all mean well when you say things like that, but I do get frustrated.  This anxiety, self doubt, etc is way different than "normal".  I have to worry about things you wouldn't have to.  But like I been saying, I am going balls to the wall.  And if I get this job for sure and if I fuck up and fail and get let go or have to quit, at least I can then probably get disability.  Not that I want it, I do have some pride and I KNOW I can work if people can be patient with me and give me a wicked big learning curve.

Right now between Job 1, potential of UPMC job, unemployment and having to have yet another appeal for it, random medical issues, June 21st coming up (the big trial, trying again), mom being sick.  Finally basically telling 2 "friends" goodbye and fuck off, making new friends and then almost instantly losing them, I am on brain drain, emotion drain, balls to the wall fukitol.  I gotta do me.  So if I become more self centered I am sorry.  I am all about me, I gotta do me.