tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78808811175463711062024-03-06T00:57:23.567-08:00Where is my semi-charmed kind of life?Once I had a life. I had a job, I had a social life, I had confidence, I liked going to the bar, I liked going for hikes. Trying to bring that back. I need it all back!Wonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.comBlogger65125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7880881117546371106.post-73024543646057529192016-06-23T17:31:00.001-07:002016-06-23T17:31:25.359-07:00And the story continuesDamn. 2 years since I wrote here. I used to live for this. Accomplishments, introspection, failures, laughs, frustration, tears.
Loneliness. I know that was a big reason. And getting all my emotions out before I'd crack.
Bein inspiration for some.
Showing reality of my TBI.
Educating others.
Bein proud of moments.
2 years.
I'm not as angry. I think I've reached my baseline. Don't get me wrong. I do get angry. When I feel slighted, when things don't go my way, when I'm too smart for my own good, when I feel I've done something stupid. It's just moments, not my baseline.
Pretty sure I'm more tired. Don't think that will ever end. Hopefully it doesn't get worse.
I'm fortunate to be able to work. That I know. Is it the best for me? Yes and no. It makes me the angriest out of all angry making things. I still feel better than my job. Probably always will. But it is what it is. Though I will always wish for more.
Change is still hard. Always will be. Always react the same. It's just me.
I don't laugh like I used too. Not enough. Not real. Not loud. But I do still laugh.
2 years ago I bought the house then immediately went to living in sin with Sev. It's nice to have a boy lift really heavy things. He cuts onions and meat too because knives scare me now. It's nice having someone that deals with my kinda crazy and cranky and tears by making me laugh, squishing me, and agreeing that everyone is a twatwaffle, jerk, or whatever my insult is at the moment.
A lot of times he's my rock. Grounds me. And takes my crazy and rolls with it.
So I think this is the me I'm going to be. I'm somewhat content. But i will always and forever remember her and miss her. The her I was. Yes I know there is a lot I should like about myself and cherish now. But I miss her and that's my right.
The her before didn't have diabetes, female reproductive issues, GI problems, partial epilepsy, mood disorders, hypertension, sleep disorders, limited peripheral vision, half a titanium skull, tilted walk, jacked up back. My life just feels like a list of ailments and meds.
But it's my life now. It's the life I have due to a bad idea. But within that bad idea I appreciate the things I have left. My Dadoo, Shannon, Will, Holden, Gina, Ryan, Sev, Elisabeth, Meghan, Jason, Sam, Annie. The important stuff.
And I also have my independence, ability to drive, ability to work, ability to talk, ability to walk, ability to think. The ability to be.
I'm still working on the best me to be. Maybe there's room for improvements, tweaks, upgrades.
This story is far from over.Wonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7880881117546371106.post-53204394050650952422014-05-03T10:04:00.001-07:002014-05-03T10:04:50.034-07:001979 to life<b>1979</b> Born
<b>1980-1997</b>- Innocence, freedom, boo boos, learning, happiness, teenage angst, hockey, softball, basketball, skiing, ballet, gymnastics, art. Learning. Hating my parents, loving my parents. Locking myself in my room, sneaking cigarettes, underage drinking. Working, school, loving my job. Graduation.
<b>1997-2001</b>. College, oh college. Classes? What classes? Don't be ridiculous. Bring on the beer. Sneaking beer and St Ides into the dorms. I was the buyer....angel I am. Jobs, parties, classes. Social and academic probation at the same time. I was AWESOME. Math...fuck math. Expelled due to math. Fight with the dean to get back in. Winning!! Party, beer pong, asshole, beer, bullshit, beer. beer pong.
Graduate 6 months late. Fuck...real world happens.
<b>2001-2008</b>. Work at the mall, can't afford life, move back home. Miserable bitch. I hate home. Feel like a 22 year old loser living with mommy and daddy. Almost work at a gas station. Pittsburgh drinking and partying buddy saves me. Working in mortgage industry here I come. Mortgage industry you are an asshole. Move to burbs of Philly for asshole industry. Hate it. Make just one friend. Move back to Pittsburgh, live with friends, quit job and go back to school. Work 3 jobs. Quit school, move out of friends house, work 2 jobs. Drink, regular at bar, drink, work work work. Shitty gross skeegy slum lord. Move again. Change jobs. Work, drink, flirt, repeat.
<b>2009 to present</b>. Work, bar, flirt, be on call, poor choices with co-workers, walk, jog, exercise, healthy, drink, hungover, work, flirt, get on crotch rocket with boy been flirting with. FAIL!!!!!
Coma. Operations, confusion, sad, angry, oblivious, stupid. Work, confused, overwhelmed, work work work. Body fails. Lose job I LOVE. lose friends. lose mom. Scared. Who am I? Where do I belong? What do I do? Too high functioning. Feel I don't have a place. Get a job, scared, confused, excel, bored. Get another job. Fail! Back to original job. Meet boys. Assholes, good ones, friends, keepers. Pretend to be a grown up, buy a house. Ho Moaner.
<b>35 years</b>.Wonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7880881117546371106.post-22952672223964143952013-06-01T22:25:00.001-07:002013-06-01T22:25:35.207-07:00Nursing Assistant Woe is me....round one.So yay for me for making it thru the nursing assistant "class" I made it, learned some new things and had to semi study and just learn new stuff. And I did it and passed. YAY
For almost a month I have been working the brain injury unit. I thought it would be a good unit to work, that they all knew me and knew i was a survivor and that maybe just maybe they would help me and be understanding and throw me a bone. Apparently I was wrong. I have felt angry, defeated, overwhelmed, suspicious, bamboozled, set for failure, agitated, confused, have I mentioned angry?? Did I expect too much from myself and my co workers?
I wish I had a stop button so I would stop running my mouth. I wish I could keep my attitude in check. I wish I could answer the question "How are you doing?" "How is it going?" Basically all I want to say is how the fuck do you think I am doing and its going pretty crappy. Sometimes people at work ask me that question and my pissiness comes flying out of my mouth before I can stop it.
I like aspects of it. I am great with the patients. Patients and families like me. I just get so lost and flustered. I have not been with one person (preceptor) at all. And the one person I was with the most is cranky ass even towards the patients. And because I have been with one person or another for almost a month I am not even sure what I am allowed to do on my own when and if I am eventually set loose.
I have been with a nurse all week. I am supposed to be assigned to another nursing assistant to see how they do the job, to see what is expected of me. To learn, to be trained. And this whole nursing thing is new. Even the nurses don't really know why I have to be with them since we do different jobs. I found out that they are putting me with nurses to give me time because I am slower at learning everything and to make sure I am indeed ok to do the job. But the thing is. Shit like this never comes directly from my "boss" or boss like person. There is too much in the unknown. Too many variables. Too many questions. Too much uncertainty, too much chaos. And I do not deal with ANY of that well. Hence more of the pissiness.
I know the job itself will have lots of variables. That I can deal with. That is a different kind of variable and uncertainty. I guess I feel that when people are to be training me, and helping me, someone should know what the fuck is going on. And that someone will not be me until I am taught. But everyone else having no idea what is going on with me feels me with an indescribable rage.
Tonight I just wanted to curl up inside myself and scream.
Did I make a mistake? Did I bite off more than I can chew?
I am good with the patients. And only ONE of them has been told I am a survivor. The rest I am good with because of just how I am. My personality in general. Its the rest of the horseshit that is making me go more crazy. I know I can do this job once I get into my own groove. If I am ever given the chance. A lot of time I am so suspicious, untrustworthy, second guessing everyone. Are they going to let me go on or will I be let down gently? Only time will tell.
There is so so so much more. But I cannot get it all out. My head feels like there are a bajillion bees in it flying around. And basically that is the way I have felt since starting this. Truth be told I have regressed a bit in that aspect. I guess this is just another hurdle in my so called high functioning TBI life.
And this too shall pass. Wonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7880881117546371106.post-59832359278679225962013-04-03T18:59:00.001-07:002013-04-03T18:59:14.830-07:00Introspection <p>I'm excited scared and apprehensive about my new life yet again. New life meaning job life. Paranoia and self doubt is a big part of this version of me....but I've gotten better with that too.<br>
But as I ponder I also have some clarity maybe. To the "friends" that have left me....I thank you....maybe. If it weren't for the depression and wicked loneliness and being scared for myself maybe I would not have manned up and had balls enough to try and try for jobs. Loneliness was a big factor. So to David and Brad I finally thank you for being assholes and leaving me. Maybe if it weren't for that part I wouldn't be trying yet a new life being a nursing assistant.<br>
As usual...this is not the life I ever dreamed of or thought of. I figured if I'd ever be working at a hospital it would have been Western Psych.<br>
So those that were once a HUGE part of my life and are no longer.....thank you. With you guys gone I've made new friends. Desperate for friendship and human contact I fought for jobs and jumped on the dating sites bandwagon hard. I've meet quite a few asshat jerk faces on the sites....but I've also made a couple friends. <br>
To the "old" friends that are actually a part of my life thanks for dealing with my version of life. With job drama, boy drama, medical drama. Thanks for being there thru it all. Just stick around and keep me sane thru the new work drama that is bound to happen. And keep cheering me on when I panic about tests I'll have to take.<br>
I know I don't give myself enough credit. Even nurses on TBI tell me I don't give myself enough credit. But I do have fears and doubts. <br>
So to ex friends, old friends, and new friends. Thank you!!!!!<br>
</p>
Wonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7880881117546371106.post-90293998887767122192013-01-23T21:29:00.001-08:002013-01-23T21:30:08.867-08:00Its been a while....so here goes nothing<div><p>Wow, 2013! I didn't do a 2012 in review.  I didn't do a 2013 wish list.  I thought about them but forgot to execute said thought.<br>
2012 in review.....I liked life, I hated life, I laughed, I cried(not as much as 2009-2011). Read a lot, remembered I like to draw.  Lost weight gained weight lost weight gained weight.  Made lots of bad decisions, but at least these ones don't cause me to bust my head open. But with those bad decisions i made some good ones to prevent even worse things for me.  Got some more medical shit thrown at me.  Only partially blamed my brain injury for it.  OK that's a lie...totally blame tbi for just about everything.<br>
  I became Wawa to my Boo Bear.  I became a fairy godmother to my fairy god daughter Annie. :)<br>
  I became more vocal on some things.  Have not consciously decided but kind of just go with I really don't care who I piss off or lose any more.  Well there are a select few people I'd be devastated over losing, and some I just don't care.  Don't have the energy nor the willpower to play bullshit pretend friend games.<br>
  Still have paranoia, anxiety, anger, depression, impulsivity, feelings over overwhelmed, over stimulation.  And almost 100% acceptance.  Acceptance because I'm kind of forgetting what I'm comparing this version of me to.  I remember aspects of my old life, but I forget the person I am comparing myself to.  I forget the original.  I know I was sarcastic and perverted and funny.  Guess now I'm just intensified with some bonus features. <br>
    For 2013 I just want me.  Happiness.  I miss happy and fun.  I miss carefree.  I miss not being frantic and sometimes just down right pissy.<br>
I want to try to relax.  I physically, mentally, and emotionally cannot relax.  Maybe try to regain some control.  Its hard.  Harder than for "normal" people.  I know I "look fine". I know I mostly "act fine"  but its way harder than it looks.  Trust me....I should get an Oscar daily.  But for 2013 I just want total acceptance of myself.  And to find some care free days.   And to find a boo.  I change men more than socks.  Lmao.  I need some sort of return policy.  </p>
<br/><img src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMqtbsvf3Qk0Ci6E5j6KFdDbU4n42vHq0llst_UkGg_0DHXCzuOMH2of2CqfSvDqWxj4RbKm-Nl2yjfzjsqHzEydx-HlA7P8Gvy8Wr8tWClJkK40DuhlWlOdv1pZda6Ed2nVRCVap8bB8/' /></div>Wonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7880881117546371106.post-56267474736269326882012-10-08T07:30:00.001-07:002012-10-08T07:45:53.635-07:003 years<div><p>3 years ago I made a bad choice.  At the time I did not know it was a bad choice.  Oh hindsite, you wascally wabbit.   That choice made me what I am today.  Wonder woman.<br>
I am not proud of the choice.  I question it.  And hell, I don't even remember it.  To this day I get frustrated with the fact I have no memory of it.  I used to get angry and upset I couldn't remember.  Now I get frustrated, but I don't beat myself up over the lack of memory.  I don't try to wrack my mind and put pieces together.  I have embraced the fact now that it cannot be done.  Like I really only have dim memories of that night.  I don't remember all the players involved in my drama.  I remember the settings.  I remember one person I planned to meet and why.  Then I remember the boy that broke me and his buddy.  Don't really k ow all that much more.  Frustrating and weird, yes.  But not worth beating myself up for it any more.<br>
Life has thrown me wicked curve ball after wicked curve ball, but I keep hitting homers.  Pretty soon some day it's gonna be a grand slam.  Ahhh...baseball references from the woman that doesn't like baseball.  Clearly I have a brain injury.<br>
Maybe in the future october 7 will just be a day.  Not a day that I sit and reflect and cry for a bit over a dumb choice, over the life I lost, of what was.  But that's hard.  I do miss aspects of the old life.  But I'm getting better with that.  Still hold resentment and heartache over the people I thought were friends leaving .  But I'm getting a bit better with that too.  Its all about baby steps and I've been taking them for 3 years.<br>
I have come a long way baby.  From coma, to rehab hospital, to living with parents, to back on my own, to brain surgery after brain  surgery after brain surgery, to building confidence, building a life, and kicking ass.  Sure I have melt downs, but in general I'm kicking ass.  That's all I can do.  Kick ass one day at a time for years to come.  Brain injury doesn't just go away.  I learn to adapt and not lose the rest of my mind.<br>
Thank you all for being around for the wild wide.</p>
</div>Wonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7880881117546371106.post-50164423950373123542012-05-06T07:39:00.000-07:002012-10-08T07:45:38.719-07:00Mom<div><p>One year ago today I lost my mom. I did not misplace her, or lose her at the mall when I couldn't see her tiny self over the clothes racks. She passed away. May 3 2011 I grew a spontaneous set of balls and drove home for the first time since my brain injury. I only know the date due to pictures with date stamps and my blog. I take lots of pics now and live on facebook and blogger to help with my memory. I am so glad that mom knew I was there. That we did have a few moments. I don't really remember them, but I know I had her laughing and smiling. Probably because I was being a horn dog and inappropriate. Because that's how I roll. May 3 I surprised mom and dad and May 6, she was gone. I curled up in bed with her in the ICU and gave her permission to go, I told her it wasn't worth it to keep fighting it and that it was ok. I played Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's Somewhere Over the Rainbow and then she left. I had to take the song off of my Mp3 player because when I hear it now, when it would randomly play, I would sob and get pissed off. It's strange. In 1992 there was one night sleeping that something did not feel right, I had an odd feeling about my Mom Mom (mom's mom) That morning I did NOT want to go to school. I did not feel right, it didn't feel right if I went to school. My parents made me go. At some point I was called out of class to be told Mom Mom died. Then this time, May 3rd I grow a set and go home. I felt I had to go, then May 6, mom was gone. I must have a strong McGuire connection. This may all seem like hocus pocus, me blowing smoke, but this is all true!!!! Sometimes I find random items in my apartment that have a connection to mom. I dont remember the specific connections but I get overwhelmed with sadness and anger and frustration because I can't remember the connection. I throw those things out with a heavy heart and a shaking hand and tears. And I always say "goodbye mommy" Sometimes I stare at the item and wonder if I should keep it. But I do throw it out. Why keep it and anger myself because I can't remember the connection even though I feel there is one. I have an easier time remembering feelings than things. Please don't try to compare your parents losses to the loss of my mother. I know you are trying to sympathize. I know that, and I appreciate that, but to me this is different. I know I am not the only young female in the world to lose my mother, but this is just too much! From October 7 2009 to May 6 2011 I lost myself, my job, my friends, some body parts, my life as I knew it. Sure I sometimes put on a semi good front, but do you know what it is like to lose your sense of self, to have to rebuild, to have to struggle to find new "norms" after each brain surgery. And then to find a balance, to start feeling somewhat confident, and then crumble down due to mom's passing. Yet another friggin loss! It's maddening and saddening. And this too shall pass. It is, what it is...right? My favorite quote. Thanks for reading and let me ramble. See, it's hard doing this shit by myself. I do so much by myself....really my self!!! Loneliness and by myself with my walls. But I do it. because I am a tough ass broad. And I share it all on public forums. :p</p>
</div>Wonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7880881117546371106.post-32968672152718850902012-02-09T16:48:00.001-08:002012-02-09T16:48:45.701-08:00Where is my semi-charmed kind of life?: Dear boy that broke me<a href="http://karahob.blogspot.com/2012/02/dear-boy-that-broke-me.html?spref=bl">Where is my semi-charmed kind of life?: Dear boy that broke me</a>: Instead of a Dear John letter, here is a Dear Austin letter. Dear Austin, 2 Years and 5 months ago, you broke me. We may have both made t...Wonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7880881117546371106.post-55329013398641416282012-02-09T16:48:00.000-08:002012-02-09T16:48:00.506-08:00Dear boy that broke meInstead of a Dear John letter, here is a Dear Austin letter.<br />
<br />
Dear Austin, 2 Years and 5 months ago, you broke me. We may have both made the most stupid mistake of our lives. Well at least mine, since my life basically stopped and yours kept going. You may have a hit a few rough spots, but trust me. YOU GOT OFF WAY EASY!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
While you keep trucking in your world of being a lawyer I had to stop what I loved and now I have to find a new love. Do you have any idea how hard it is for someone with a brain injury to do new things? Sure, I know I seem to do really well with everything. But no one really knows how much every thing is a struggle for me. Driving is a struggle, making decisions is a struggle, retaining information is a struggle. I get lost in conversations quite frequently. It sucks. I used to always be self conscious of it, but now I am like fuck it! Fuck it all. And since I am saying Fuck it....I am now going to start going back to school.<br />
<br />
Austin do you have any idea how scary it is for me to go back to school? I will be doing school full time and working full time. My brain scrambled self will have about 15 hour days. That is hard for any "normal" person, but it is doubly hard for me. I am so damn scared, but I have to do it because you broke me. I will be in school from 10-2 and then working from 3-11/11:30. And my days will be longer because i will be taking the bus. I have to take the bus because driving downtown makes my head explode and fills me with anxiety and confusion to the extreme. It is not safe for me to be driving. And then when school starts it really won't be safe for me, because the exhaustion will be dangerous. And then I will have the tbi hangover feeling. I finally had that for the first time last week. I felt like I had a night out of partying, drinking and smoking and being a fool until 5 a.m. But all I did was drive down town, figure my way around town, walked around trying to find where I was supposed to be. Received information about school, and talked to an admission representative. Just that put me over the edge. I felt like shit the next day. So thank you for that.<br />
<br />
You may have taken away my friends, my social life, my work life, my life that I knew from 1979 until 2009. So I guess me going back to school is the last piece of me trying to find my new life. I have given up on social life, I have given up on getting friends, I have given up on actually being happy and not just putting on a front. Now I have to to try to find yet a new version of myself, but this time without mother fucking brain surgery. Finding my new self on my own terms now.<br />
<br />
So I am scared out of my mind. I am full of anxiety, apprehension, and self doubt. Is this the right choice for me, or am I just being impulsive as usual? I'll never know unless I try. I hope this is not a mistake because if so, this is a $19,000 mistake.Wonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7880881117546371106.post-66926255496614244182012-01-02T21:49:00.001-08:002012-01-02T21:49:58.510-08:00Where is my semi-charmed kind of life?: I'm a big kid now...sort of<a href="http://karahob.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-big-kid-nowsort-of.html?spref=bl">Where is my semi-charmed kind of life?: I'm a big kid now...sort of</a>: Today, I Kara E Hoban rode a public bus (not a short one smart asses :) ) for the first time by myself. I never have done this before. In ...Wonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7880881117546371106.post-37530244850271251232012-01-02T21:49:00.000-08:002012-01-02T21:49:19.407-08:00I'm a big kid now...sort ofToday, I Kara E Hoban rode a public bus (not a short one smart asses :) ) for the first time by myself. I never have done this before. In college I always rode a bus now and then with friends. I never had to rely on the system. Never cared to. Confused the hell out of me in my before life and I thought my head would explode with this version of me.<br />
<br />
A few months ago I had to have one friend ride with me on the bus just to show me how it works. Where to wait for the bus, how to let the bus know I want to get on it. When to pay, how to pay. What times the busses come. The whole thing was all so confusing to me. I had one friend ride with me and 2 other friends explained the schedules to me. This was a big anxiety trigger for me. Having to do new things, the great unknown, things that any normal person would handle just fine, kind of rock my world. It is more a fear of looking stupid and getting too confused and getting lost. I don't like being "stupid" or looking too confused in normal every day situations. It is one of my deficits since my brain rearrangement. I HATE looking like I have no idea what I am doing. I think people are going to judge me. I know logically people won't give a shit, no one will notice, etc, but I can't help it.<br />
<br />
So my anxiety of winter and now having a job I can't walk to in the winter I had to learn the bus system or quit my job in the winter. My anxiety/terror/phobia of winter has trumped my fear of the bus system. So today I heard we were going to get some snow...it was not that bad, but I decided to do the bus instead of driving, in case the snow got worse when I was at work. Work did not need to see me have an epic meltdown, full blown panic/anxiety attack, so I did the bus.<br />
<br />
I took the bus to and from work. A girl could get used to that. Being able to chill while a strange person driving a huge vehicle filled with strange people was sort of relaxing. It was relaxing because I did not have to use too much brain power for driving. I got off the bus too early, which was fine because I could take a slow walk to work which was nice and calming. I got off of the bus too late at home, but that was ok too. It was all ok except for the fact that I walk like a jack ass in the snow. I am so fearful of falling I walk so stiffly and so tense, and I kind of shuffle/ tip toe/ tilt. Ir hurts my back and my dislocated pelvis and leg even more. But I can only conquer one fear at a time folks. See, these are all some of the reasons I am terrified of winter. It all boils down to me petrified of getting hurt again. I don't want to fall, I don't want to crash, I don't want to be on a bus that someone shoots at. It's all fear fear fear. <br />
<br />
Taking the bus was good. The snow was not that bad today, but at least I proved to myself I can do the bus. This is big for a girl with trust issues, fear of being hurt, fear of winter. Trusting a stranger driving me around in the snow is big for me considering I need xanax to be with my dad when he drives me in the snow. And I TRUST HIM...I know him, and here I am trusting myself to s complete stranger. How I will be when the winter gets worse, time can only tell. But for now, I am patting myself on the back for this accomplishment.Wonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7880881117546371106.post-84015178157945732262011-12-31T08:31:00.000-08:002011-12-31T08:31:04.411-08:00goodbye 2011 hello 2012A year of reflection and rambling by me.<br />
<br />
For the first time since 2008 and 1979-1996, then 1997-2008 I have not had any surgeries! So one full year since my cluster fuck of breaking my head open and my life, I have not had any surgeries. That is a big accomplishment in my book.<br />
<br />
I am not going to focus on the losses for once, I am going to focus on the gains.<br />
<br />
In 2011 I have gained some self confidence back. <br />
<br />
I have gained some more doctors. And for me the professional doctor stalker this is awesome.<br />
<br />
Change does not rock my world and make my head explode as much as it used to.<br />
<br />
Independence again.<br />
<br />
I gained a mother friggin job! Much needed and think this has helped with the self confidence and the ability to handle change.<br />
<br />
Weight. Damn you weight, you need to go away in 2012.<br />
<br />
Work acquaintances and friends. I needed this. I needed people and this has helped with a majority of the depression going away. The depression is one loss I am willing to bring up right now. Now back to the gains.<br />
<br />
A greater love for my father. We actually say I love you now. We never did that before.<br />
<br />
The ability to realize I am a hell of a lot stronger than I ever thought I was.<br />
<br />
Being able to sometimes ask for help. I cannot always do that, but I can do it at times. My stubborn ass and the rest of my body always hated asking for help. Thought it showed a sign of weakness but now I know it's actually a sign of strength.<br />
<br />
A boo here and there. LOL. Maybe I can find one that sticks in 2012.<br />
<br />
As 2011 closes the biggest loss was my mother. That was like a kick in the heart, back, head, and ass. The one thing I will always always remember...and I wish my short term memory was shittier at times due to this one moment. In January of 2011 when she was in the hospital the doctors asked if she had any stress in her life. She said that she did, that her daughter was in an accident, is a brain injury survivor and was close to death and was still having some issues and just got back from another brain surgery. It is true. In December of 2010 I had my last brain surgery, and then mom was in the hospital for complications. I know my accident did not cause her cancer, but I felt a twinge of guilt. I know stress of me did not cause the cancer to worsen, but still, I will always remember her saying that. :( <br />
<br />
As for 2012 here is what I want to try to do.<br />
<br />
Take over the world.<br />
<br />
Seriously look into and try to figure out financially, sanely, safely trying to go to school part time for either nursing or Patient Care Technician.<br />
<br />
Stay off of motorcycles.<br />
<br />
Try to have some more fun. I miss fun, I really do.<br />
<br />
Try again to let go of my old life. I have to stop comparing this life to my old life. I have to embrace what I have. Easier said than done, but I will try.<br />
<br />
Try to keep a boo. Yeah, I'm harping on this...but Wonder Woman needs a full time man. LOL. too hard to remember things about one then move on to another then another. Give a girl a break. lol<br />
<br />
Finally get my invisible jet out of the shop. They have been working on that for like 2 years!! I need to get it to another Invisible Jet mechanic and maybe they can fix it. I'm sick of this driving shit like a normal human. :)<br />
<br />
Goodbye 2011...hello 2012. Please please bring all good for me. I need good, I deserve good. I do enough good for others so can I please have a chance?Wonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7880881117546371106.post-34660251097568237802011-11-30T17:22:00.000-08:002011-11-30T17:22:41.109-08:00Where is my semi-charmed kind of life?: 6 month review<a href="http://karahob.blogspot.com/2011/11/6-month-review.html?spref=bl">Where is my semi-charmed kind of life?: 6 month review</a>: I received my 6 month review from my supervisor. For someone who for a year struggled with the fear of having to figure out how to get a jo...Wonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7880881117546371106.post-26518420063190123312011-11-30T17:17:00.000-08:002011-11-30T17:17:49.140-08:006 month reviewI received my 6 month review from my supervisor. For someone who for a year struggled with the fear of having to figure out how to get a job, I ROCK!!!!<br />
<br />
For a year after getting canned I was so scared of trying to figure out how to get a job. I was not able to answer questions. I was having too many doctor appointments. I was getting tired way too fast. I could not concentrate on one thing for very long. I could not handle being in or going to new places. I was afraid I would do something dumb. Would I repeat myself too much?? Would my scars on my head show? Would I be in too much pain? Would I get angry over something and flip out? How the hell was I supposed to get a job if I couldn't answer a question such as "How are you doing today?" <br />
<br />
I had some interviews, didn't get those jobs. Had an interview for a job I thought I would love, got the job and pretty much within 3 days I was over it. HATED IT...and I was full of so much anxiety. How was I supposed to do this? I needed a job, but I despised the one I got. I knew my anger was getting out of control just in the 3 days I went through training with this particular job. And then wouldn't you know UPMC calls me and offers me the job I figured would be better for me. YAYAYAYA!!!<br />
<br />
Somehow I went from not being able to answer questions to acing interviews. And now I have a job that I rock at! Sometimes I get angry, I have only flipped out once. Not at a patient but at a nurse and nursing assistant. I deal with the unknown daily. I get asked questions by doctors, nurses, patients, and families. I somehow am able to deal with all of this without having meltdowns. Some days are crazier than others. And believe me I feel it when I am driving home and ready to crash and burn. Here is an example of a crazy day. I get to work and am assigned to work the Traumatic Brain Injury unit. I am working, getting in my groove then all of a sudden I am pulled and have to go to the ER. In the ER I am with a drunk and disorderly patient. Then I get pulled and am told I need to go to the Detox unit. I get to Detox and am working with someone that is going through the tremens stage of detoxing. Delirious, angry, flight risk, swinging...and then all of a sudden I am pulled to go with a child in the burn unit. See, change change change....walking all over the hospital getting from point A to B to C to D. And doing it all in record time and not getting lost.<br />
<br />
I got my review and I basically kick ass!!!I got solid strong performer on every section.<br />
<br />
Kara is able to maintain direct observation of her patients and report all needed information to the RN on duty and the patients doctors.<br />
<br />
Kara is very polite and enthusiastic about every patient that she sits with. She is able to maintain a positive relationship with everyone she meets.<br />
<br />
<br />
-Takes responsibility for own actions <br />
-Recognizes own strengths and weaknesses and seeks/accepts constructive feedback, incorporating it into work <br />
-Exhibits objectivity and openness to the view of others, including patients/families <br />
-Considers, and takes appropriate actions, based upon the perspectives of diverse populations<br />
-Adapts to changes in the work environment and appropriately incorporates new information<br />
-Effectively deals with pressure and uncertainty<br />
-Deals effectively with a variety of people, personalities, and cultures<br />
<br />
Kara has been a very positive and enthusiastic member of our team. Kara is able to provide a safe environment for our monitored patients. She maintains a positive relationship with everyone she encounters. She voluntarily makes great use of the patient monitor activity program. I look forward to having Kara continue her employment with UPMC.<br />
<br />
That is just a snippet. I don't want to bore you all with my awesomeness!!! But seriously, from a girl that was petrified, scared, anxious, confused, angry, easily flustered, etc, I kick ass. My work brain is awesome. Now if I can just get my work brain into the rest of my life. :)<br />
<br />
I was struggling to get cognitive rehab and was getting denied because I was not severe enough, I was high functioning. So I shut down and had a few meltdowns then put on my big girl panties and went after the world instead of the world always knocking me down. So now I am an employed, kick ass brain scrambler. I am by no means perfect, I am not what I was, but I am what I am now and I am almost ready to accept this version.Wonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7880881117546371106.post-85930709783802048602011-11-23T18:25:00.000-08:002011-11-23T18:25:50.791-08:00ThanksTis the season of thanks. I have been kind of thinking about this. So here goes nothing.<br />
<br />
I am thankful to be alive. I may be frustrated and angry and upset about this life, but it is a life...I am alive. I could be dead or vegetative. I could be more severely disabled, I could have lost all of me. I say I am version 2.0 but I am not that far from the original.<br />
<br />
I am thankful I have a job. The year unemployed and having immense fear and anxiety and self doubt of ever being employed again were not good. That year was the pits. It was depression at its finest.<br />
<br />
I am thankful that I have an amazingly awesome father who has been there for me when I almost died, and helped me when I was trying to come back to life. He has supported me, and cheered me on and has put up with and learned to love all my different versions. If I could, I would give him the world. But I have the feeling being alive is more than enough for him.<br />
<br />
I am extremely thankful that I did not lose the part of my brain that deals with long term memory. If that part was damaged I would have lost all memories of my mom..and memories are all I have left of her.<br />
<br />
I am thankful for my friends that trust me with their son. To some people, it would be no big deal. To the original version of me, it would be no big deal. But to this version it means a lot that they trust me. I know I am capable, I know I am better than I give myself credit for, but it really does make me feel good that they have trusted me and do trust me to be in charge of their son.<br />
<br />
I am thankful for the friend I have made after my brain scramble. He puts up with the best and worst of me. He has seen me at my lowest my most confused frustrating moments of myself. He puts up with the good, bad and ugly, and the sarcastic smart ass I am. :) He has nothin to compare me to, never knew the original, but he has seen my progression from what I was a year ago to now.<br />
<br />
<br />
I am so very thankful for my facebook brain scrambled family. We all understand each other the way no one else can. Without them, I think I would feel more lost than I do feel.<br />
<br />
Thankful that I am slowly gaining confidence, I doubt myself less, and I am trying to find a balance in my life. I am not 100% of what I was, but I am 90% of what I am now. I need to shake off some self doubt, become more confident, stop having so many damn doctor appointments and I will be 100% of this version.<br />
<br />
I am thankful that in 2011 I did not have any surgeries. Since 2009 I have been having no less than 2 a year. That is a record I am glad to break.<br />
<br />
I am thankful that I am still able to articulate well via writing. I still get the best of me out when writing rather than speaking. But I am so glad I did not lose this skill. So thank you all for reading my ramblings the past 1.5 years.Wonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7880881117546371106.post-64879039200917065032011-10-13T11:14:00.000-07:002011-10-13T11:15:01.242-07:00I should have been a stamp collector, it would have been cheaper than doctor collector2 years of ups and downs and all arounds and doctor collecting. Seriously, if I was a better nerd I would have collected stamps. At least I could have sold them to other nerdy collectors and made money instead of spending money out the wazoo for co-pays.<br />
In 2 years I have/have had:<br />
Neurosurgeon<br />
Physiatrist (rehab doctor)<br />
Primary Care<br />
5 Physical Therapists<br />
3 Occupational Therapists<br />
2 Speech Therapists<br />
Maxiofacial<br />
Therapist<br />
Psychiatrist<br />
2 Neuropsychologists<br />
Gastrointestinal<br />
Infectious Disease<br />
Ear Nose Throat<br />
Neuro Ophthamologist<br />
2 Audiologists<br />
Home care nurse<br />
And the newbie to the list is<br />
Pain Management. Welcome to the team!<br />
<br />
I think that is everyone. If I have missed anyone, I am so sorry, no feelings hurt. I did not do it on purpose, I have TBI. Hell, its impressive I came up with all of that in the first place.<br />
<br />
If anyone is in need of any of these kinds of doctors I will sell mine to you for $45,000 a piece. All of them except my neurosurgeon and Primary care. They are easy on my eyes, so let me have my fun while I have to have them on a team for me.<br />
<br />
Please don't try any stupid stunts at home in order to try to be as cool as me to have all of these doctors, nurses and therapists. It takes a ridiculously strong willed person and a very stubborn person to put up with this kind of horse shit and not let it completely knock you down.<br />
<br />
To say I am frustrated is an understatement but I guess getting a pain management doctor is better than the alternative of surgery again. Though I did say to my neuro that he is disappointing me since I have been aiming for a minimum of 2 surgeries a year since 2009. But so far in 2011 I have not had any surgeries!! Hopefully, this will become my new normal again. For a while surgery was my normal, I kind of like the change of no surgery. Though I will be honest, I miss the awesome drugs after surgery! :)<br />
<br />
It is what it is, right folks?<br />
<br />
<br />Wonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7880881117546371106.post-32896393879705300672011-10-03T07:44:00.000-07:002011-10-03T07:44:24.905-07:00Reflections of 2 years2 years ago I was still working at the schools with the at risk kids. <br />
I had more friends.<br />
I was lusting after one guy.<br />
I was hanging at the bar a lot with David and Brad<br />
I was lusting after another guy.<br />
Play on playa!<br />
I was bopping around life like a single crazy 30 year old woman<br />
with no idea it would change drastically on 10/7/09<br />
<br />
I got on a motorcycle and life got flipped turned upside down.<br />
<br />
In 2 years I have gone through hell and back multiple times, but I never stay in hell. I keep on going.<br />
<br />
I have had 5 different surgeries, 4 on the brain. I have been transported back and forth from hospitals and Western PA and Eastern PA too many times to count. The mileage my parents must have put on the cars must be phenomenal.<br />
<br />
Hospitals have become my comfort zone. And that is why I now work at one.<br />
<br />
Friends have visited me, friends have texted me, friends have dealt with my emotional highs and lows. Friends have taken good care of me and made sure I kept my sanity. So thank you Shannon and Will, Marieke and Rich. And a special shout out to Mike who met me after my brain scramble and still put up with me and dealt with my outbursts and craziness and did not leave me hanging friendless. And thanks Mike for pushing me out of my driving comfort zones. That has helped immensely! <br />
<br />
I have gotten a bit better with hurt of the loss friends, but sometimes it still kicks me in the ass. I miss that part of my life immensely. The going on hikes, the going to a certain bar, the going on random drives, the drinking on the deck, just the general hanging out.<br />
<br />
2 years in the brain injury world is still nothing. I am still a baby in this world, but a damn advanced baby. Even at a 6 month follow up with my neuro, I vaguely remember him being shocked with my progress. At that point I was where people that are normally a year to a year and a half into TBI. How I have been so lucky to be where I am today is beyond me. I still feel broken in some aspects and that frustrates me. But I do not feel as broken as I did at some points. I know this is the best I am going to be and I have to let go of the past, but I cannot do it. I truly want parts of the old me back, the original me. But I do like some aspects of this me. I am what I am.<br />
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<br />
I still have anxieties, I still have fears, I still have minor medical stuff. I just have to keep pushing myself. I still have issues figuring out left shoe, right shoe when putting my shoes on. I still sometimes get flustered driving. But I have improved greatly from what I was even a few months ago with my driving. I still occasionally get overwhelmed at stores. That has to do with my impulse issue of wanting to buy everything I see. I am easily influenced by marketing apparently. And shiny things, but what female isn't? But at least I can handle stores now on my own. At one point grocery shopping was torture!! Freaked me the hell out. At one point getting gas for the car was anxiety inducing. <br />
<br />
At one time not too long ago I was trying to get cognitive therapy so I can handle the world and try to get a job. If you asked me a question I could not answer. It was like my brain was on super speed cycle trying to figure out how to answer a question. Sometimes I still have issues with that, mostly I need specific questions, but I can handle it now. Being able to answer questions led me to getting a job. And since I could not get cognitive therapy (I apparently did not really qualify WTF?) my job has been my cognitive therapy. It allows me to handle change, the unknown, to think on my feet, to have a quicker reaction time. Basically to be the wonder woman I am.<br />
<br />
Thank you to those of you that have stuck with me through thick and thin, Thanks to my Mom :( and Dad for always being there for me and not giving up on me when I wanted to give up on myself. And thanks to my Mom who is still finding ways to help me. AMAZING!!!!!<br />
<br />
2 years with many many many more to come because I rock at this thing called life!Wonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7880881117546371106.post-16646403666949519512011-09-06T15:21:00.000-07:002011-09-06T15:21:20.496-07:00I don't like mind games..please, they hurtToday I get to work and the scheduler gives me my schedule and was excited because she likes telling me when I am going to my favorite unit.<br />
<br />
And then she says this "I have to tell you a doctor told me you are great with the patients but that they don't think it is good for you to be working on that unit." "It's not your performance but they don't think it is good for you to be there." I went from ecstatic to being placed on that unit again to crushed. Talk about highs and lows in a millisecond. She said she did not know who the doctor was and that she thinks she is the only one that knows this was mentioned and that she won't say anything to anyone else. <br />
<br />
It makes me back pedal and think of when I lost my job before. I was able to work with my TBI and then gallbladder crapped out and I lost my job, "not due to my performance but my medical issues" and then in a snarky argument my ex-supervisor/ex-friend said I wasn't fired due to my performance but they did have concerns over my mental health issues after my accident. I know I have issues, but if I am such a mental case would someone just outright tell me please?!?!?!? Honestly, just frigging tell me. I give up!!<br />
<br />
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<br />
I have basically just stopped second guessing my every move and got rid of a lot of my self doubt and then I get hit with this. I teared up. I hate people second guessing me and what is good for me. I second guess myself enough I don't need support on this. All day long this has been on my mind. I am hurt and angry and confused. Did I make a bad choice interviewing for this job? Did I make a bad choice even applying for this job? It is not the only UPMC job I applied for. Hell, it is not even the only job I applied to, it just happens to be the only one that interviewed and accepted me. It is not my fault that I am on a unit I used to be a patient on and that some of my co-workers used to also be my caretakers, doctors, therapists. <br />
<br />
Now I am trying to replay everything I have done on that unit. Did I do something wrong? Am I doing anything wrong? Why was this said??? <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div> <br />
There is one doc I am pretty sure I think I know said it. He has been concerned about my safety since I have come to work there. I have told him numerous times I would let him know if things got uncomfortable for me or if it got to the point where I can't handle things. Since I have been there the only time i could not handle anything it has been on other units not my favorite TBI unit. And all of the things except one have just been emotional things where people, women, Mothers were dying or the choice had to be made to let the person die. It is still too close to my mothers death, so yeah, I have cried and asked for a time out. I have never felt in danger with a patient that might be physically agressive. I know my limits, I know what I can handle, I know when I am unsafe. Should I just start wearing a helmet to work at all times??<br />
<br />
I am just so confused, sad, angry, and overwhelmed by this. Why was I told this? I mean I appreciate she told me, she thought she was doing me a favor but this kills me. <br />
<br />
As usual, it is what it is. I will just suck it up, put on my fake smiley face which is pretty much tattooed on, and just keep trucking along. But now the seed is planted of more second guessing. FMLWonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7880881117546371106.post-58663104045103498842011-08-26T22:49:00.000-07:002011-08-26T22:49:07.480-07:00what a difference time makes.Tonight I did something kind of epic for me. I am not overly excited about this but it is something I honestly never thought I had in me or would be able to do.<br />
<br />
Physical therapy in the a.m. Came home, did 2 loads of laundry, napped, went to work 3-11. At work I impulsively thought "I should go to Wal-Mart after work" Impulsive, yes. But I did have a grocery list at home and I didnt really want to deal with grocery shopping on a saturday. I want to sleep in for once. At wal-mart on late friday night I should be able to do that. Less of a crowd, less stimulation. So, I went to Wal-Mart right from work after I got off at 11:30 and I went WITHOUT a list! YIKES, this is asking for trouble. <br />
<br />
Driving there I had to keep reminding myself where I was going. I got there and took a few deep breathes, and tried to think of what I had on my list at home.<br />
<br />
Shop shop shop! Oooh...I want THAT!!! No, I don't need that. Oooooohh...look at that cool thing, I should get it. NO!!!!!<br />
<br />
So I bought what I thought was on my list. Saw some things I was not thinking of in the store, but pretty sure I had on my list.<br />
<br />
Did I impulse buy??? Of course I did! I bought breakfast bowls, bananas, rice bowls, and tropical trail mix. Hey at least I didn't buy a watch, pair of shoes, a giant steak because it looked good, a roasted chicken, and any other random item that Wal-mart could possibly want this impulse shopper to buy And then I went home and put everything away and looked at my list. HOLY CRAP, I bought everything I had on my list. <br />
<br />
What a difference time makes. The first time I went to Wal-Mart after my brain scramble I could not handle it. My friend had to drive because I still could not really drive all that well, especially if it was a high traffic area and it was somewhere I did not go to all that often in my before life. So my friend and I were in WallyWorld and I just wanted to hide under a pile of clothes. It was so loud, so bright, so much to look at, so many people. YIKES...it was a mess. I hated it, i swear my heart was going to pump right out of my chest. I don't think we lasted that long there. And I have slowly gotten better with being there with all of the stimulation, but I have also been there with one friend or another. Tonight was the first time I have driven there and tackled Wally by myself.<br />
<br />
Progress!!!! <br />
<br />
So, tired, hungry, out of my norm, after a long day, after work, I tackled Wal-Mart and WON! See Charlie Sheen, that is WINNING!!<br />
<br />
<br />
Wonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7880881117546371106.post-61377952667636241082011-08-21T09:18:00.000-07:002011-08-21T09:18:39.713-07:00driving long distances with my tbiDriving driving driving. I have gotten better, but driving long distances is tiring. From Pittsburgh to my dads house is 316 miles. It goes a lil something like this in my mind.<br />
<br />
Get in car, check gas. get gas. Get on road and go balls to the wall. Turnpike, Turnpike, Turnpike, you are getting on the turnpike. Go go go.<br />
<br />
Get to turnpike gates, pick a lane, what lane do I choose? What heads east the easiest, check all traffic, cars cars cars, pick a lane, get in line. Get to gate..push for ticket.<br />
<br />
Go go go. Merge on turnpike, car in front of me, car behind me, traffic coming my way, wait wait wait wait, focus look behind....cars cars cars, is it safe to go is there enough space....Eh, I guess its ok now...car behind me honks. Shit, I guess I should go.<br />
<br />
Speed limit sign check, check my speed...is this ok? Processing.<br />
Am I going too slow? Am I going too fast? Processing.<br />
Car behind me getting closer..hope they switch lanes. Processing.<br />
Speed limit sign check, check my speed. Processing<br />
Construction signs, read read read, Processing,.<br />
What is the contstruction coming up? Do I switch lanes? Processing.<br />
What does that advertisement sign say? read Processing.<br />
OOOh...look at that pretty car...stare stare stare...Shit Hoban focus on driving. Processing<br />
Crap was that a cop? Check my speed, do I hit brakes? Am I going to get pulled over? Was I going an ok Speed? Processing!<br />
Ker-thump! What was that sound? What did I do? Did i hit something? Look around look around, Processing. A big bug splattered on window. Processing. Put on winshield wipers. Back and forth back and forth back and forth. Processing. Shit Hoban focus on driving. Processing.<br />
Check gas do I have enough? Processing<br />
Cars zooming by on left. Am I going to slow? Check speed. Processing.<br />
OOOh..what does that sign say?? Read, Processing.<br />
<br />
See, this is just a snippet of what it is like driving a long distance. This is just about the first 70 miles. This does not even begin to cover it, but I bet your are tired just reading this. It's interesting experience for sure.<br />
Wonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7880881117546371106.post-58435593413736955772011-08-12T14:15:00.000-07:002011-08-12T14:15:16.151-07:00Rocking this thing called a job!So today was PHENOMENAL! I was on my favorite TBI unit.<br />
<br />
Patient is a 31 year old male with a shunt, had multiple brain bleeds. And well, he and I were partners in crime. I was LOVING IT!!! The doctor came into the room this a.m. and he saw me and was like "Kara, I can only care for one patient in a room at a time, get out!!" This doctor was my doctor until he finally discharged me from his care in May of 2010. He gets a kick out of the fact that I am a survivor and working at the hospital where I did my rehab. He is so kind and always worried about me. <br />
So the patient and I were chilling. He kept trying to pull his tubes out and I would just tell him to chill and after a while he caught onto the prompt and would stop. And then he kept trying to get out of his wheel chair even though he was strapped in and I would tell him to chillax and then he would stop. See, I spoke his language! And he always had to have music on so he and I rocked out! Music has helped me since my injury so I understood him having to keep it on. He was working on balance and walking today and was giving the Physical therapists a hard time about it so me and my genius broken brain was like "Hey Jay, lets show the therapists the Dougie" (for all y'all that don't know, the Dougie is a dance that is out and kinda cool and to a hip hop song"<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/aZglqkCRNt8?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div> So i bust out my phone and start playing The Dougie and low and behold, he started trying to do it. Was by no means perfect, but who cares, he was TRYING and standing and keeping his balance. The PT looked at me and said Holy Shit Kara!!!! And the patient kept saying I am the coolest girl ever! The PT then brought the one doc in to show him me and the patient doing the Dougie. The doc just smiled and gave me a High 5!<br />
<br />
When the patients sister came to visit, we showed he how he Dougies. She is a nurse at the hospital and told me she was going down to the nurses information center and requesting that I be with her brother every day since I am so good with him and I am what he needs! :)<br />
<br />
At the end of the day on the bus to parking lot one of the aides from the unit that was an aide when I was a patient asked if I was a nursing assistant yet. Told him no,but I wanted to be. Said I originally applied for aide positions but was told that I was not qualified. He said I should totally do it now that I have proved I can work as a brain injured person! EEEK!!!!!<br />
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So, I have the aide saying I should do that. Have the one nurse on the detox unit that wants me to be a detox RN and always asks me if I started classes yet. So basically I have the whole hospital egging me on with a good chunk of them knowing I am a brain scrambler! Wonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7880881117546371106.post-19369585451018794552011-07-06T19:06:00.000-07:002011-07-06T19:06:52.405-07:00doing my thing, stalking doctors collecting doctors and building shrines to doctorsHA!!<br />
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Ok, so as any good TBI survivor I am collecting doctors. It's an un-written rule I believe. It is something that they should warn us about in the early stages.<br />
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Well, this time I have actually collected another physical therapist. This is my 3rd round of PT since waaay after the initial rehab. I have gone for my random lower back pain. I have gone for my jaw and face and neck pain. I am now getting the whole back looked at. It seems that falling down and going boom I not only cracked my head and rearranged my brain and broke a shoulder and a wrist I have also mis-aligned my back. Now the aches and pains and numbness and tingling and walking with a not so cool swagger finally has an answer. Hot neuro did an MRI of my cervical area a few weeks ago. Just that part (thats the upper part of back/shoulders) and found out HEY I HAVE BULGING DISCS. Awesome!! He recommended PT yet again. So the PT checks me and he actually said, "You are jacked!" That cracked me up and then he explained. Basically my spine is all twisted to the left. And my upper spine, I do have bulges that practically go all the way to my ass bone. And he cannot do my PT with traction until we get my spine realigned, so today he cracked the hell outta my back. And electrocuted me (EMS) and it all felt pretty good. I think and hope after this I will be back to my graceful ballerina self, :) With no damn surgery. I just hope no one gets the bright idea to MRI my whole back. I mean as much as I love my hot neuro and love him sedating me and having his way with my innards, I would really like to not have back/neck surgery. <br />
Seriously.<br />
Pretty soon I see the Infectious disease doc. I have only met her once after my surgery where they took out my skull piece. I dont really remember her since I saw her after surgery and I was super duper drugged. Gotta love drugs. But I gotta see her and hope I am not infected again. Since my hot neuro put me on antibiotics my head has stopped oozing and feeling weird. Yeah, it was oozing...not so hot. Welcome to my world. And since being on the heavy doses of these meds and now feeling better I wonder if something was infected. AWESOME. <br />
I have to stop now and continue my shrine building. Taj Mahal has nothing on this masterpiece I'm working on!Wonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7880881117546371106.post-3174911157148001392011-06-30T18:49:00.000-07:002011-06-30T18:49:14.825-07:00working 9-5. Nope scratch that....7-330 or 3-1130<div class="MsoNormal">Every time I drive into the parking garage at Mercy Hospital I think of the very first time I had to drive there myself after my accident and passing the state evaluation to drive again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A few days before I had to have a friend drive me so I could envision a path to getting there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then the day I had to do it myself, I got in the car, started it up and started crying because I was so scared.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mercy was out of my driving comfort zone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never drove there regularly pre-accident so therefor it was new and scary to me!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Crying and driving while already having driving anxiety is not a good mix.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then when I got in the garage I was freaking out even more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would I remember where I parked???<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would I hit cars trying to drive through the garage????<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And now I work there, I cry when I drive there now because it is too early in the a.m. <span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal">The first week of working was rough. Especially the first day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Getting lost in hospital, trying to figure out exactly what my job is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where the hell do I punch in?!?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After that day of work, I was a zombie!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Brain fatigue to the extreme!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To the point where I was afraid to drive home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so tired and having a hard time focusing!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure, it is still tiring, there are some days/nights where I am so tired I still am apprehensive about driving, but I am not sleeping over at the hospital unless I get my own bed back on the Brain Injury Rehab Unit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lol<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The first day I was placed on the brain injury unit, I could not stop smiling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was sort of surreal being there as a worker, but it felt damn good and it feels weird to see the brain injury world from the working side not the patient side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure, my brain injury did not go away I will always have it, but at least I am not a patient this time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some of the doctors, nurses, case managers, Physical Therapists, Occupational Therapists, Speech Therapists, Neuropsychologist, Rehab aides, recognized me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know they were not just playing the polite game, they remembered things about me so they really did remember me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>CRAZY!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And once they figure out who I am, the look on their faces is priceless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first couple times I was on the unit they called me Motorcycle or Helmet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was in a motorcycle accident and I had to wear a helmet on the unit because part of my skull was removed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are not too many helmeted patients, especially females, so I guess I am going down in history. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I like that unit because in a way it helps me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get to see what I was “like”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not that I was exactly the way the patients are, we are all different, but I can get glimpses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stories my friends have told me, make sense now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I like being totally understanding of the patients.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think I can help them more than the people that work the unit. I mean hell, been there done that!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can explain to the workers to slow down, to not bombard with too much information, to break shit down, to turn off the TV when talking to a patient.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>ETC.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I ROCK!!!!<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Working is good, it is helping me for sure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Makes me realize I can handle change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can handle not knowing what I am getting into every day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is no pattern to the job, never do the same thing and I can handle it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t even think about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just go in and do it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never know where I am being placed until I sign in, so I could be anywhere in the hospital, and I just go balls to the wall and do it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Its hard, but it has helped me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am emotionally and mentally and physically exhausted but I do it.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">They do use my strengths which is good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get placed in TBI rehab unit, detox, neuro trauma CCU, and with mental health patients A LOT!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get asked if I am a doctor, counselor, therapist or a nurse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am none of the above, I am just mother fucking awesome and don’t you forget that!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I get that question from doctors, nurses, and therapists!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So that is awesome!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do more than I am supposed to, but I can’t just sit there for 8 hours and stare at patients.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">I get to know patients I take the time to get information about them to make them more comfortable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean I have been a patient enough, I know how much it sucks, so I like to keep it real with the patients and just shoot the shit with them and make it feel “normal”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">I like the job, wish there was more I can do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seriously thinking about nursing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hell, UPMC would pay for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gotta figure out if I can handle working first.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then try to figure out how to get do school and work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then BAM Hello Kara RN and CBIS (certified brain injury specialist)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am going to try to get certified in October for that!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why??<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I am mother fucking awesome!!! Just sayin'<o:p></o:p></div>Wonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7880881117546371106.post-37147149471486528032011-05-17T11:06:00.000-07:002011-05-17T11:06:42.592-07:00what doesnt kill me makes me stronger...I am the strongest woman ever!!!While this is not brain injury specific, brain injury does play a role in this tale.<br />
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For a few months, I have been fighting myself (mentally) fighting the system, worrying for my mom and dad, and trying to live a life. For a month or 2, I have said to my friends "I dont think my mom has long for this world." On May 3 I grew a giant set of balls and drove home. My mom was back in the hospital. For most people this would be ok, for me it was EPIC. It was first time driving across the state since my Brain Injury 19 months ago. That was such a big deal for me. I have the self esteem and self confidence of a gnat about lots of things, and me getting across the state was so AMAZING!!!! Mom didnt know I was coming, and neither did dad. SNEAKY I was. Tuesday I got here, mom was able to understand that I was here. I joked with her a bit, I am glad she was able to understand I made it here. I needed to see her. Ironically I was saying to friends I needed to try to make it across the state so I can prove to myself that I can do it, just so that the first time I did it would not be for a funeral. So Tuesday I made it to Wilkes Barre, Friday Mom passed. So I guess the first time I made it across the state was for a funeral but at least I did it without knowing it would be for a funeral. Sad as it is, I do still applaud myself for making it. Something like that has built my confidence a bit.<br />
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I am glad mom got to hear that I had an interview at UPMC. I have heard from people that she was very happy for me and excited. That makes me happy that I finally started sharing some of my life with her before she passed. I kept a lot to myself because I did not want her to worry about me or give her false hope that I was rocking at life!! 2 hours after burying her, UPMC called me with the job offer!! I ran outside and screamed THANK YOU MOM to the sky! 2 hours in the ground and she was already busy trying to get my life in order. I can imagine wee lil mom being up there raising hell, trying to get me some help I need. <3 her for that!<br />
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Stress, sadness, emotions running amok and brain injury are not a good combination. But it is what it is. I was losing words more, using wrong words, totally not editing myself, being innapropriate (more so), and trolling for men at mom's viewing. (LOL, yeah I was) There was no filter on me whatsoever. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Mom's passing is just the icing on the cake of 19 months of hell for me....and now for my dad (more so) Brain injury, 4 brain surgeries, galbladder out, losing my job, me being a general hot mess, mom diagnosed with cancer, mom passing. Someday this shit has got to stop. Though if it keeps on going, I really will be the strongest woman ever, no doubt about it!Wonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7880881117546371106.post-73365928047093292692011-05-01T08:03:00.000-07:002011-05-01T08:03:36.630-07:00Life- Full ForceApril has been busy busy busy.<br />
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Physical Therapy 2 times a week. Fighting with unemployment. Applying for jobs. Getting physicals for a job I got, starting said job and having my head pop off.<br />
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I dont know if it is me, or if the job experience at this agency is as confusing as I think it is. I get so flustered, overwhelemed, yet zone out, get frustrated, feel lost mentally and physically, yet it is what it is. <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #f1c232;"> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;">Can't live life by not living it.</span></span><br />
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After I accepeted this job I got a call from UPMC asking if I wanted to interview for one of the batrillion jobs I applied for. OMG, talked about geeked. It would be full time, with benefits. In case y'all don't know, I NEED BENEFITS since going to all sorts of doctors really is my part time job. <br />
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I interviewed for the job and it went well. They are going through the process of all the background checks. I am geeked and anxious. And don't bother telling me everyone gets anxious about new jobs. I know, I have had new jobs before. But this is a different anxiety. Don't try to compare normal to brain injured. I get frustrated when people do that. I know you all mean well when you say things like that, but I do get frustrated. This anxiety, self doubt, etc is way different than "normal". I have to worry about things you wouldn't have to. But like I been saying, I am going balls to the wall. And if I get this job for sure and if I fuck up and fail and get let go or have to quit, at least I can then probably get disability. Not that I want it, I do have some pride and I KNOW I can work if people can be patient with me and give me a wicked big learning curve. <br />
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Right now between Job 1, potential of UPMC job, unemployment and having to have yet another appeal for it, random medical issues, June 21st coming up (the big trial, trying again), mom being sick. Finally basically telling 2 "friends" goodbye and fuck off, making new friends and then almost instantly losing them, I am on brain drain, emotion drain, balls to the wall fukitol. I gotta do me. So if I become more self centered I am sorry. I am all about me, I gotta do me.Wonder Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09170126033321607458noreply@blogger.com0