almost one year......surreal

So on October 7th it will be one year of scramble brain.  Well technically I guess it is the 8th depending on how you look at it, but it is the 7th for me.  The 7th is the last thing I remember.  I remember having plans for wings and Penguins hockey night with a friend.  I remember meeting that person out and then....well, lots of you know the rest.  I dont really remember much much more until about Novemeber 5th for good.  The day I was released from the hospital.  I remember bits and pieces of my hospital stays, but nothing is really in order.  Its like watching a movie that skips all around.

In that year I have had a total of 3 brain skull surgeries, gall bladder removed, stent placed on liver, stent taken out of liver.  Numerous doctors appointments, numerous needles and shots, different kinds of tubes hanging out of my body, whether it be a picc line or a jp drain.  I have been on numerous medications and have been taken off of numerous meds too.  I am known at 3of the hospitals here.  Hell, even at one of the hospitals the Parking attendant people know me.  I walk through some of the hospitals and nurses and doctors say hi to me.  Its cool, but not so cool at the same time.

In the year I have had some holidays that I dont really remember all that much of.  I just know i was probably not the happiest camper.  I have had my head partially shaved and caved in and had to wear a helmet since there was a hole in my skull.  Ironic I wear the helmet after the motorcycle accident.  I have a hole in my skull now from the bacteria.  Surgeons had to take a part of skull out,  but this time I don't have to wear a helmet.  THANK GOD!!!  ANd then on the 7th I have my cat scan to measure the hole and i have a docs appt with my neurosurgeon to see when I am getting put back together yet again!  I need to stop being taken apart and being put back together.  I am not a puzzle!!!

In the year I have had Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy, Speech Therapy, Cognitive therapy, and neuropsych testing to make sure I was ok.  I have had a state driving evaluation to make sure I was ok for driving.  I have had tons of CAT Scans, X-rays, and MRIs.  I am totally radioactive now.

In the year I have gained new friends, I have lost friends, I lost my independence, I have gained my independence.  I lost my self esteem I regained my self esteem.  I got my job back I lost my job.

One of the things that I love the most about what happened to me is this.  Part of my job was working at a summer camp for kids with behavior problems/mental health diagnosis.  There was a little girl, 8 years old that  is TBI. I called her my mini me.  She was tooooo cute.  Finally one day I was having an off day and needed some time to myself and she came with me.  I said I had a headache and she said she had one too and said that she had a brain boo boo.  She didnt always come out and tell people that.  I looked at her and said, Hey baby I have a brain boo boo too.  She didnt believe me and then i showed her my scars.  Her face lit up.  She  didnt know of adults with brain boo boos.  She asked if a mean man beat me too :(  She asked if i failed kindergarten because I couldnt member my ABC's and 123's.  Then she said she wanted to be like me when she was old because I am nice to everyone and like everyone even though I have a brain boo boo.  That day and that moment gave me a purpose for my brain boo boo!  That she can see that she can be "normal" and that people dont need to know she has a brain boo boo.  I almost cried at that moment with her.

In this year i have had many ups and downs.  Lots and lots of downs.  I am sure I had lots of ups, but the downs are what stick with me.  Because they hurt the most.  hurt stays more than happiness.  That is a fact of life.

Now I am struggling again to find my purpose.  What do I do now?

As my one year comes up, it wouldnt be too too bad except for the fact that I now have to prepare for another surgery eventually.  That I am getting my CT that day and seeing the neuro to plan the next skull surgery.  I am like really?????  It has to happen on the one year mark???  Damn!  Make one friggin really bad choice and it comes back to bite me in the ass daily, but that day is gonna slam me!  It is just too weird that all that crap is going on on that day!  DAMN!  I mean if it wasnt for my mistake in the first place i never would have had that bacteria in my skull and I would not be needing to get a titanium plate in my head.

It is what it is, but hell, I am even getting sick of saying that.  And yeah, I know I have had many high points, I just need to stop mentally beating myself up.  But that is easier said than done.