Dear boy that broke me

Instead of a Dear John letter, here is a Dear Austin letter.

Dear Austin, 2 Years and 5 months ago, you broke me. We may have both made the most stupid mistake of our lives. Well at least mine, since my life basically stopped and yours kept going. You may have a hit a few rough spots, but trust me. YOU GOT OFF WAY EASY!!!!!!!

While you keep trucking in your world of being a lawyer I had to stop what I loved and now I have to find a new love. Do you have any idea how hard it is for someone with a brain injury to do new things? Sure, I know I seem to do really well with everything. But no one really knows how much every thing is a struggle for me. Driving is a struggle, making decisions is a struggle, retaining information is a struggle. I get lost in conversations quite frequently. It sucks. I used to always be self conscious of it, but now I am like fuck it! Fuck it all. And since I am saying Fuck it....I am now going to start going back to school.

Austin do you have any idea how scary it is for me to go back to school? I will be doing school full time and working full time. My brain scrambled self will have about 15 hour days. That is hard for any "normal" person, but it is doubly hard for me. I am so damn scared, but I have to do it because you broke me. I will be in school from 10-2 and then working from 3-11/11:30. And my days will be longer because i will be taking the bus. I have to take the bus because driving downtown makes my head explode and fills me with anxiety and confusion to the extreme. It is not safe for me to be driving. And then when school starts it really won't be safe for me, because the exhaustion will be dangerous. And then I will have the tbi hangover feeling. I finally had that for the first time last week. I felt like I had a night out of partying, drinking and smoking and being a fool until 5 a.m. But all I did was drive down town, figure my way around town, walked around trying to find where I was supposed to be. Received information about school, and talked to an admission representative. Just that put me over the edge. I felt like shit the next day. So thank you for that.

You may have taken away my friends, my social life, my work life, my life that I knew from 1979 until 2009. So I guess me going back to school is the last piece of me trying to find my new life. I have given up on social life, I have given up on getting friends, I have given up on actually being happy and not just putting on a front. Now I have to to try to find yet a new version of myself, but this time without mother fucking brain surgery. Finding my new self on my own terms now.

So I am scared out of my mind. I am full of anxiety, apprehension, and self doubt. Is this the right choice for me, or am I just being impulsive as usual? I'll never know unless I try. I hope this is not a mistake because if so, this is a $19,000 mistake.