my own psychotherapy. glad I was in the MH field. ANGRY LETTER

To whom it may concern.  APW (will not use full name though I would love to put you on BLAST!!!!!!!)

Fuck you!  You have been able to continue to live your life and yet mine has been put on pause.  Or maybe screeched to a halt.  I have no memory of how this happened.

You got to graduate from law school.  You got to continue to see your friends, have a social life, maybe get a girlfriend, be independent, continue living.

I have had months of rehab.  Speech Therapy, Cognitive therapy, Occupational Therapy, Physical Therapy.  I have had 4 brain surgeries.  Surgery is my new normal.  How awesome is that????  Surgery doesn’t phase me.  I have no fear of it.  I am the social butterfly with the docs and nurses in pre-op.  I am the one laughing.  I have the pre-op procedures memorized.  I am pretty sure I can perform my own surgeries if it wasn’t for the damn anesthesia.

Post op doesn’t bother me any more.  I have all of the neuro tests memorized so I am pretty sure I am not giving them the results they want.  I answer their questions before they begin.  Yes I know Obama is president, I can give you the month and year but don’t ask me the date or what day of the week it is.  I know I am in Presby hospital, or Mercy hospital, or Montifore hospital.  It’s a choose your own hospital adventure.  I can touch my nose with my fingers and my eyes closed though it may take me a second to orient myself.

I know what it is like to feel off balanced without being drunk.  It is my daily feeling.  To walk with an unintentional swagger.  It’s not a cool swagger.

I know what it is like to have a perpetual eye twitch.  To have a sore shoulder from it being broken and a perpetually cracking wrist from that being broken. What, did you scrape a knee or something while I got the crap beat outta me and my brain scrambled?  Hope you got a nice band aid!

I can go on and on and on with my anger towards you.  When this first happened I was not that angry with you.  I accepted we both fucked up I guess.  My one neuropsychologist was angry with me for not being angry at you.  He would be proud of me now.  The ball of anger that lives in me is frigging pathetic.  I want the old me back!!  Yet I don’t know if I can get her back.  I try, but it seems like a lost battle.  So, again. APW, fuck you!!!!!  May your day come.  Can’t wait for March and I hope to god you get what is coming!!!


I an go on and on with how  my life has changed, how I have changed (the ways I at least recognize) but I would like to wait until the day I see you.  So you can hear the pathetic sadness and hear the full blown rage.  BRING IT and Fuck you one more time.