Just like the title says, I am not apologizing for my recent attitudes/behavior but I kind of am.
There are some days that I cannot even stand myself. I know I am angry, pissy, emotional, laughing, more sarcastic, etc. I know this and the anger even gets under my skin. I am aware of it all and yet i do NOT have any control over it, and that annoys the hell out of me too. Randomly bursting into tears is driving me nuts too. But there are lots of times I try to control that and that is soooo tiring. It physically makes me tired.
I do have "excuses" for all of this. Hi, my brain has been rearranged and the chemical balance in my brain is not what it used to be. And since part of my skull has been removed i also now have syndrome of trephined. Yup, i got diagnosed with yet something else. This syndrome is real and should hopefully diminish one I get my diamond encrusted platinum plate.
There are also additional stressors in my life that not everyone knows about. I have sick people in my family, I have court date coming up, I have been anally rampaged by an old doctor and a cute resident (colonoscopy), i panic about being jobless, i worry that I am pissing people off too much that I will lose the rest of the friends I have left since I rearranged myself. I am having another freaking brain surgery in 2 weeks!!!
Things that make me laugh and smile...
Putting on warm pajamas after coming out of the dryer, (The pajamas coming out of the dryer, not me :) )
The Neuro floor at the hospital is on the 4th floor. The Gastro floor is on the 3rd floor. At least they have it right, the head floor is above the ass floor.
Shannon is having a BAYBAY!!!!! I can't wait to meet the baby bump and corrupt him.
I found a support group for brain scramblers. Its people that have TBI! It was a holy shit moment for me. It was sooo cool and real to see and hear others talking about TBI. I am not the only one!!! WOWOWWW!!!! I felt normal for first time in a year. It was sad, and yet nice to be with others that are scrambled.
I have people that try to do nice things for me, and I try to brush it off because I feel I don't deserve it, yet I do smile and have happy thoughts in my head when this happens. I just try to put on the tough persona. I gotta let down my walls. Will someone knock my wall down, but don't knock me down unless I have my helmet on. :)
I might try to get a haircut today at the Hospital salon. I have not had a professional hair cut in over a year. Shannon has cut my hair once since all of my head surgeries, but I kind of want a real haircut. I have been PETRIFIED to get a haircut at a salon, but the people at the hospital salon are used to working with patients. I just want to feel pretty for a minute before my head gets half shaved again in 2 weeks. I am scared to try to do this haircut thing, but it is worth a shot! I am scared of lots of things now but I do still try things. Because I AM WONDER WOMAN. I am sure the real WW had fears too.
See admitting I have a fear is a part of my wall coming down a bit. WHO IS KNOCKING DOWN MY WALL ALREADY?!?!?!? Awesome!!!! :)
I can't believe you are going to get a hair cut not on my front porch, traitor!!! No seriously, that's awesome! You should totally do it, and have some nice Turkey Day pics at home with the family and your fabulous new do!
ReplyDeleteYou are a survivor in more ways than one. Don't apologize, just keep your head above your ass so the sun shines in the right place :o)
I am so relieved to hear you're not tumbling around the dryer anymore. I told you that was a bad idea.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'd like to knock down your NEIGHBOR HELP WALL. Because I am very near to you and would ALWAYS like to help out if I can. Even if you just need us to drive you somewhere. You're entertaining enough to make up for it. For realz.