3 years ago I made a bad choice. At the time I did not know it was a bad choice. Oh hindsite, you wascally wabbit. That choice made me what I am today. Wonder woman.
I am not proud of the choice. I question it. And hell, I don't even remember it. To this day I get frustrated with the fact I have no memory of it. I used to get angry and upset I couldn't remember. Now I get frustrated, but I don't beat myself up over the lack of memory. I don't try to wrack my mind and put pieces together. I have embraced the fact now that it cannot be done. Like I really only have dim memories of that night. I don't remember all the players involved in my drama. I remember the settings. I remember one person I planned to meet and why. Then I remember the boy that broke me and his buddy. Don't really k ow all that much more. Frustrating and weird, yes. But not worth beating myself up for it any more.
Life has thrown me wicked curve ball after wicked curve ball, but I keep hitting homers. Pretty soon some day it's gonna be a grand slam. Ahhh...baseball references from the woman that doesn't like baseball. Clearly I have a brain injury.
Maybe in the future october 7 will just be a day. Not a day that I sit and reflect and cry for a bit over a dumb choice, over the life I lost, of what was. But that's hard. I do miss aspects of the old life. But I'm getting better with that. Still hold resentment and heartache over the people I thought were friends leaving . But I'm getting a bit better with that too. Its all about baby steps and I've been taking them for 3 years.
I have come a long way baby. From coma, to rehab hospital, to living with parents, to back on my own, to brain surgery after brain surgery after brain surgery, to building confidence, building a life, and kicking ass. Sure I have melt downs, but in general I'm kicking ass. That's all I can do. Kick ass one day at a time for years to come. Brain injury doesn't just go away. I learn to adapt and not lose the rest of my mind.
Thank you all for being around for the wild wide.
Monday, October 8, 2012
3 years
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Darlin'....you are amazing...you've risen from the ashes, recreated your self, rediscovered your strength. I have a secret to tell you, Sweetie...the place where you are most different from your "old self" is in your head. It's like me, wearing a dress. I feel all awkward and gawky and like I'm in drag, and all anyone ELSE sees is a woman in a dress. You are beautiful and you are NOT broken. You are a work in progress, and so are we ALL. I, and mine, love you exactly as you are. We do not wish for the old Kara back, we do not miss her as lost. Enough of her lives on. (with some funky additions) To us, you are you...and we are so proud of your fighting spirit, and your stubborn refusal to give up and now even more proud of your willingness to reach outside your self and your issues to those who are just entering the frightening world of TBI. Because of you, they have a guide, a friend, someone who understands when no one else does. They aren't alone, and you are the one who makes that happen. I can't imagine how terrifying it is to wake up to a world that is completely skewed. One friendly face, one person who is okay with the craziness, one person who doesn't run, must make a huge difference. I can't tell you how much you mean, to them and to us. Onward, my friend, and upward now! :)
ReplyDeleteI kept having to look at IMLizard's name to make sure I hadn't written it . . . plus I kept seeing a reference to wearing a dress so I knew that bit wasn't right. Kara, our lives are SO different than they used to be but nobody can look us in our experienced eyes and tell us we haven't tried hard enough or things surely could not be as bad -- sorry, "challenging" -- as we and other survivors make them out to be. You and I share a "sod off" view of former friends who don't know what they're talking about. (Oh, I say things like "sod off" now . . . Have I told you? I've moved to the Isle of Wight. Things changed.)
ReplyDeleteWith respect, and bonded with you by injury and friendship,
John