Tonight I did something kind of epic for me. I am not overly excited about this but it is something I honestly never thought I had in me or would be able to do.
Physical therapy in the a.m. Came home, did 2 loads of laundry, napped, went to work 3-11. At work I impulsively thought "I should go to Wal-Mart after work" Impulsive, yes. But I did have a grocery list at home and I didnt really want to deal with grocery shopping on a saturday. I want to sleep in for once. At wal-mart on late friday night I should be able to do that. Less of a crowd, less stimulation. So, I went to Wal-Mart right from work after I got off at 11:30 and I went WITHOUT a list! YIKES, this is asking for trouble.
Driving there I had to keep reminding myself where I was going. I got there and took a few deep breathes, and tried to think of what I had on my list at home.
Shop shop shop! Oooh...I want THAT!!! No, I don't need that. Oooooohh...look at that cool thing, I should get it. NO!!!!!
So I bought what I thought was on my list. Saw some things I was not thinking of in the store, but pretty sure I had on my list.
Did I impulse buy??? Of course I did! I bought breakfast bowls, bananas, rice bowls, and tropical trail mix. Hey at least I didn't buy a watch, pair of shoes, a giant steak because it looked good, a roasted chicken, and any other random item that Wal-mart could possibly want this impulse shopper to buy And then I went home and put everything away and looked at my list. HOLY CRAP, I bought everything I had on my list.
What a difference time makes. The first time I went to Wal-Mart after my brain scramble I could not handle it. My friend had to drive because I still could not really drive all that well, especially if it was a high traffic area and it was somewhere I did not go to all that often in my before life. So my friend and I were in WallyWorld and I just wanted to hide under a pile of clothes. It was so loud, so bright, so much to look at, so many people. YIKES...it was a mess. I hated it, i swear my heart was going to pump right out of my chest. I don't think we lasted that long there. And I have slowly gotten better with being there with all of the stimulation, but I have also been there with one friend or another. Tonight was the first time I have driven there and tackled Wally by myself.
Progress!!!!
So, tired, hungry, out of my norm, after a long day, after work, I tackled Wal-Mart and WON! See Charlie Sheen, that is WINNING!!
Friday, August 26, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
driving long distances with my tbi
Driving driving driving. I have gotten better, but driving long distances is tiring. From Pittsburgh to my dads house is 316 miles. It goes a lil something like this in my mind.
Get in car, check gas. get gas. Get on road and go balls to the wall. Turnpike, Turnpike, Turnpike, you are getting on the turnpike. Go go go.
Get to turnpike gates, pick a lane, what lane do I choose? What heads east the easiest, check all traffic, cars cars cars, pick a lane, get in line. Get to gate..push for ticket.
Go go go. Merge on turnpike, car in front of me, car behind me, traffic coming my way, wait wait wait wait, focus look behind....cars cars cars, is it safe to go is there enough space....Eh, I guess its ok now...car behind me honks. Shit, I guess I should go.
Speed limit sign check, check my speed...is this ok? Processing.
Am I going too slow? Am I going too fast? Processing.
Car behind me getting closer..hope they switch lanes. Processing.
Speed limit sign check, check my speed. Processing
Construction signs, read read read, Processing,.
What is the contstruction coming up? Do I switch lanes? Processing.
What does that advertisement sign say? read Processing.
OOOh...look at that pretty car...stare stare stare...Shit Hoban focus on driving. Processing
Crap was that a cop? Check my speed, do I hit brakes? Am I going to get pulled over? Was I going an ok Speed? Processing!
Ker-thump! What was that sound? What did I do? Did i hit something? Look around look around, Processing. A big bug splattered on window. Processing. Put on winshield wipers. Back and forth back and forth back and forth. Processing. Shit Hoban focus on driving. Processing.
Check gas do I have enough? Processing
Cars zooming by on left. Am I going to slow? Check speed. Processing.
OOOh..what does that sign say?? Read, Processing.
See, this is just a snippet of what it is like driving a long distance. This is just about the first 70 miles. This does not even begin to cover it, but I bet your are tired just reading this. It's interesting experience for sure.
Get in car, check gas. get gas. Get on road and go balls to the wall. Turnpike, Turnpike, Turnpike, you are getting on the turnpike. Go go go.
Get to turnpike gates, pick a lane, what lane do I choose? What heads east the easiest, check all traffic, cars cars cars, pick a lane, get in line. Get to gate..push for ticket.
Go go go. Merge on turnpike, car in front of me, car behind me, traffic coming my way, wait wait wait wait, focus look behind....cars cars cars, is it safe to go is there enough space....Eh, I guess its ok now...car behind me honks. Shit, I guess I should go.
Speed limit sign check, check my speed...is this ok? Processing.
Am I going too slow? Am I going too fast? Processing.
Car behind me getting closer..hope they switch lanes. Processing.
Speed limit sign check, check my speed. Processing
Construction signs, read read read, Processing,.
What is the contstruction coming up? Do I switch lanes? Processing.
What does that advertisement sign say? read Processing.
OOOh...look at that pretty car...stare stare stare...Shit Hoban focus on driving. Processing
Crap was that a cop? Check my speed, do I hit brakes? Am I going to get pulled over? Was I going an ok Speed? Processing!
Ker-thump! What was that sound? What did I do? Did i hit something? Look around look around, Processing. A big bug splattered on window. Processing. Put on winshield wipers. Back and forth back and forth back and forth. Processing. Shit Hoban focus on driving. Processing.
Check gas do I have enough? Processing
Cars zooming by on left. Am I going to slow? Check speed. Processing.
OOOh..what does that sign say?? Read, Processing.
See, this is just a snippet of what it is like driving a long distance. This is just about the first 70 miles. This does not even begin to cover it, but I bet your are tired just reading this. It's interesting experience for sure.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Rocking this thing called a job!
So today was PHENOMENAL! I was on my favorite TBI unit.
Patient is a 31 year old male with a shunt, had multiple brain bleeds. And well, he and I were partners in crime. I was LOVING IT!!! The doctor came into the room this a.m. and he saw me and was like "Kara, I can only care for one patient in a room at a time, get out!!" This doctor was my doctor until he finally discharged me from his care in May of 2010. He gets a kick out of the fact that I am a survivor and working at the hospital where I did my rehab. He is so kind and always worried about me.
So the patient and I were chilling. He kept trying to pull his tubes out and I would just tell him to chill and after a while he caught onto the prompt and would stop. And then he kept trying to get out of his wheel chair even though he was strapped in and I would tell him to chillax and then he would stop. See, I spoke his language! And he always had to have music on so he and I rocked out! Music has helped me since my injury so I understood him having to keep it on. He was working on balance and walking today and was giving the Physical therapists a hard time about it so me and my genius broken brain was like "Hey Jay, lets show the therapists the Dougie" (for all y'all that don't know, the Dougie is a dance that is out and kinda cool and to a hip hop song"
So i bust out my phone and start playing The Dougie and low and behold, he started trying to do it. Was by no means perfect, but who cares, he was TRYING and standing and keeping his balance. The PT looked at me and said Holy Shit Kara!!!! And the patient kept saying I am the coolest girl ever! The PT then brought the one doc in to show him me and the patient doing the Dougie. The doc just smiled and gave me a High 5!
When the patients sister came to visit, we showed he how he Dougies. She is a nurse at the hospital and told me she was going down to the nurses information center and requesting that I be with her brother every day since I am so good with him and I am what he needs! :)
At the end of the day on the bus to parking lot one of the aides from the unit that was an aide when I was a patient asked if I was a nursing assistant yet. Told him no,but I wanted to be. Said I originally applied for aide positions but was told that I was not qualified. He said I should totally do it now that I have proved I can work as a brain injured person! EEEK!!!!!
So, I have the aide saying I should do that. Have the one nurse on the detox unit that wants me to be a detox RN and always asks me if I started classes yet. So basically I have the whole hospital egging me on with a good chunk of them knowing I am a brain scrambler!
Patient is a 31 year old male with a shunt, had multiple brain bleeds. And well, he and I were partners in crime. I was LOVING IT!!! The doctor came into the room this a.m. and he saw me and was like "Kara, I can only care for one patient in a room at a time, get out!!" This doctor was my doctor until he finally discharged me from his care in May of 2010. He gets a kick out of the fact that I am a survivor and working at the hospital where I did my rehab. He is so kind and always worried about me.
So the patient and I were chilling. He kept trying to pull his tubes out and I would just tell him to chill and after a while he caught onto the prompt and would stop. And then he kept trying to get out of his wheel chair even though he was strapped in and I would tell him to chillax and then he would stop. See, I spoke his language! And he always had to have music on so he and I rocked out! Music has helped me since my injury so I understood him having to keep it on. He was working on balance and walking today and was giving the Physical therapists a hard time about it so me and my genius broken brain was like "Hey Jay, lets show the therapists the Dougie" (for all y'all that don't know, the Dougie is a dance that is out and kinda cool and to a hip hop song"
So i bust out my phone and start playing The Dougie and low and behold, he started trying to do it. Was by no means perfect, but who cares, he was TRYING and standing and keeping his balance. The PT looked at me and said Holy Shit Kara!!!! And the patient kept saying I am the coolest girl ever! The PT then brought the one doc in to show him me and the patient doing the Dougie. The doc just smiled and gave me a High 5!
When the patients sister came to visit, we showed he how he Dougies. She is a nurse at the hospital and told me she was going down to the nurses information center and requesting that I be with her brother every day since I am so good with him and I am what he needs! :)
At the end of the day on the bus to parking lot one of the aides from the unit that was an aide when I was a patient asked if I was a nursing assistant yet. Told him no,but I wanted to be. Said I originally applied for aide positions but was told that I was not qualified. He said I should totally do it now that I have proved I can work as a brain injured person! EEEK!!!!!
So, I have the aide saying I should do that. Have the one nurse on the detox unit that wants me to be a detox RN and always asks me if I started classes yet. So basically I have the whole hospital egging me on with a good chunk of them knowing I am a brain scrambler!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
doing my thing, stalking doctors collecting doctors and building shrines to doctors
HA!!
Ok, so as any good TBI survivor I am collecting doctors. It's an un-written rule I believe. It is something that they should warn us about in the early stages.
Well, this time I have actually collected another physical therapist. This is my 3rd round of PT since waaay after the initial rehab. I have gone for my random lower back pain. I have gone for my jaw and face and neck pain. I am now getting the whole back looked at. It seems that falling down and going boom I not only cracked my head and rearranged my brain and broke a shoulder and a wrist I have also mis-aligned my back. Now the aches and pains and numbness and tingling and walking with a not so cool swagger finally has an answer. Hot neuro did an MRI of my cervical area a few weeks ago. Just that part (thats the upper part of back/shoulders) and found out HEY I HAVE BULGING DISCS. Awesome!! He recommended PT yet again. So the PT checks me and he actually said, "You are jacked!" That cracked me up and then he explained. Basically my spine is all twisted to the left. And my upper spine, I do have bulges that practically go all the way to my ass bone. And he cannot do my PT with traction until we get my spine realigned, so today he cracked the hell outta my back. And electrocuted me (EMS) and it all felt pretty good. I think and hope after this I will be back to my graceful ballerina self, :) With no damn surgery. I just hope no one gets the bright idea to MRI my whole back. I mean as much as I love my hot neuro and love him sedating me and having his way with my innards, I would really like to not have back/neck surgery.
Seriously.
Pretty soon I see the Infectious disease doc. I have only met her once after my surgery where they took out my skull piece. I dont really remember her since I saw her after surgery and I was super duper drugged. Gotta love drugs. But I gotta see her and hope I am not infected again. Since my hot neuro put me on antibiotics my head has stopped oozing and feeling weird. Yeah, it was oozing...not so hot. Welcome to my world. And since being on the heavy doses of these meds and now feeling better I wonder if something was infected. AWESOME.
I have to stop now and continue my shrine building. Taj Mahal has nothing on this masterpiece I'm working on!
Ok, so as any good TBI survivor I am collecting doctors. It's an un-written rule I believe. It is something that they should warn us about in the early stages.
Well, this time I have actually collected another physical therapist. This is my 3rd round of PT since waaay after the initial rehab. I have gone for my random lower back pain. I have gone for my jaw and face and neck pain. I am now getting the whole back looked at. It seems that falling down and going boom I not only cracked my head and rearranged my brain and broke a shoulder and a wrist I have also mis-aligned my back. Now the aches and pains and numbness and tingling and walking with a not so cool swagger finally has an answer. Hot neuro did an MRI of my cervical area a few weeks ago. Just that part (thats the upper part of back/shoulders) and found out HEY I HAVE BULGING DISCS. Awesome!! He recommended PT yet again. So the PT checks me and he actually said, "You are jacked!" That cracked me up and then he explained. Basically my spine is all twisted to the left. And my upper spine, I do have bulges that practically go all the way to my ass bone. And he cannot do my PT with traction until we get my spine realigned, so today he cracked the hell outta my back. And electrocuted me (EMS) and it all felt pretty good. I think and hope after this I will be back to my graceful ballerina self, :) With no damn surgery. I just hope no one gets the bright idea to MRI my whole back. I mean as much as I love my hot neuro and love him sedating me and having his way with my innards, I would really like to not have back/neck surgery.
Seriously.
Pretty soon I see the Infectious disease doc. I have only met her once after my surgery where they took out my skull piece. I dont really remember her since I saw her after surgery and I was super duper drugged. Gotta love drugs. But I gotta see her and hope I am not infected again. Since my hot neuro put me on antibiotics my head has stopped oozing and feeling weird. Yeah, it was oozing...not so hot. Welcome to my world. And since being on the heavy doses of these meds and now feeling better I wonder if something was infected. AWESOME.
I have to stop now and continue my shrine building. Taj Mahal has nothing on this masterpiece I'm working on!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
working 9-5. Nope scratch that....7-330 or 3-1130
Every time I drive into the parking garage at Mercy Hospital I think of the very first time I had to drive there myself after my accident and passing the state evaluation to drive again. A few days before I had to have a friend drive me so I could envision a path to getting there. Then the day I had to do it myself, I got in the car, started it up and started crying because I was so scared. Mercy was out of my driving comfort zone. I never drove there regularly pre-accident so therefor it was new and scary to me! Crying and driving while already having driving anxiety is not a good mix. And then when I got in the garage I was freaking out even more. Would I remember where I parked??? Would I hit cars trying to drive through the garage???? And now I work there, I cry when I drive there now because it is too early in the a.m. J
The first week of working was rough. Especially the first day. Getting lost in hospital, trying to figure out exactly what my job is. Where the hell do I punch in?!? After that day of work, I was a zombie!!! Brain fatigue to the extreme!! To the point where I was afraid to drive home. I was so tired and having a hard time focusing! Sure, it is still tiring, there are some days/nights where I am so tired I still am apprehensive about driving, but I am not sleeping over at the hospital unless I get my own bed back on the Brain Injury Rehab Unit. Lol
The first day I was placed on the brain injury unit, I could not stop smiling. It was sort of surreal being there as a worker, but it felt damn good and it feels weird to see the brain injury world from the working side not the patient side. Sure, my brain injury did not go away I will always have it, but at least I am not a patient this time. Some of the doctors, nurses, case managers, Physical Therapists, Occupational Therapists, Speech Therapists, Neuropsychologist, Rehab aides, recognized me. I know they were not just playing the polite game, they remembered things about me so they really did remember me. CRAZY! And once they figure out who I am, the look on their faces is priceless. The first couple times I was on the unit they called me Motorcycle or Helmet. I was in a motorcycle accident and I had to wear a helmet on the unit because part of my skull was removed. There are not too many helmeted patients, especially females, so I guess I am going down in history. I like that unit because in a way it helps me. I get to see what I was “like” Not that I was exactly the way the patients are, we are all different, but I can get glimpses. Stories my friends have told me, make sense now. And I like being totally understanding of the patients. I think I can help them more than the people that work the unit. I mean hell, been there done that!! I can explain to the workers to slow down, to not bombard with too much information, to break shit down, to turn off the TV when talking to a patient. ETC. I ROCK!!!!
Working is good, it is helping me for sure. Makes me realize I can handle change. I can handle not knowing what I am getting into every day. There is no pattern to the job, never do the same thing and I can handle it. I don’t even think about it. I just go in and do it. I never know where I am being placed until I sign in, so I could be anywhere in the hospital, and I just go balls to the wall and do it. Its hard, but it has helped me. I am emotionally and mentally and physically exhausted but I do it.
They do use my strengths which is good. I get placed in TBI rehab unit, detox, neuro trauma CCU, and with mental health patients A LOT! I get asked if I am a doctor, counselor, therapist or a nurse. I am none of the above, I am just mother fucking awesome and don’t you forget that!! And I get that question from doctors, nurses, and therapists! So that is awesome!! I do more than I am supposed to, but I can’t just sit there for 8 hours and stare at patients.
I get to know patients I take the time to get information about them to make them more comfortable. I mean I have been a patient enough, I know how much it sucks, so I like to keep it real with the patients and just shoot the shit with them and make it feel “normal”
I like the job, wish there was more I can do. Seriously thinking about nursing. Hell, UPMC would pay for me. Gotta figure out if I can handle working first. Then try to figure out how to get do school and work. And then BAM Hello Kara RN and CBIS (certified brain injury specialist) I am going to try to get certified in October for that! Why?? Because I am mother fucking awesome!!! Just sayin'
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
what doesnt kill me makes me stronger...I am the strongest woman ever!!!
While this is not brain injury specific, brain injury does play a role in this tale.
For a few months, I have been fighting myself (mentally) fighting the system, worrying for my mom and dad, and trying to live a life. For a month or 2, I have said to my friends "I dont think my mom has long for this world." On May 3 I grew a giant set of balls and drove home. My mom was back in the hospital. For most people this would be ok, for me it was EPIC. It was first time driving across the state since my Brain Injury 19 months ago. That was such a big deal for me. I have the self esteem and self confidence of a gnat about lots of things, and me getting across the state was so AMAZING!!!! Mom didnt know I was coming, and neither did dad. SNEAKY I was. Tuesday I got here, mom was able to understand that I was here. I joked with her a bit, I am glad she was able to understand I made it here. I needed to see her. Ironically I was saying to friends I needed to try to make it across the state so I can prove to myself that I can do it, just so that the first time I did it would not be for a funeral. So Tuesday I made it to Wilkes Barre, Friday Mom passed. So I guess the first time I made it across the state was for a funeral but at least I did it without knowing it would be for a funeral. Sad as it is, I do still applaud myself for making it. Something like that has built my confidence a bit.
I am glad mom got to hear that I had an interview at UPMC. I have heard from people that she was very happy for me and excited. That makes me happy that I finally started sharing some of my life with her before she passed. I kept a lot to myself because I did not want her to worry about me or give her false hope that I was rocking at life!! 2 hours after burying her, UPMC called me with the job offer!! I ran outside and screamed THANK YOU MOM to the sky! 2 hours in the ground and she was already busy trying to get my life in order. I can imagine wee lil mom being up there raising hell, trying to get me some help I need. <3 her for that!
Stress, sadness, emotions running amok and brain injury are not a good combination. But it is what it is. I was losing words more, using wrong words, totally not editing myself, being innapropriate (more so), and trolling for men at mom's viewing. (LOL, yeah I was) There was no filter on me whatsoever.
Mom's passing is just the icing on the cake of 19 months of hell for me....and now for my dad (more so) Brain injury, 4 brain surgeries, galbladder out, losing my job, me being a general hot mess, mom diagnosed with cancer, mom passing. Someday this shit has got to stop. Though if it keeps on going, I really will be the strongest woman ever, no doubt about it!
For a few months, I have been fighting myself (mentally) fighting the system, worrying for my mom and dad, and trying to live a life. For a month or 2, I have said to my friends "I dont think my mom has long for this world." On May 3 I grew a giant set of balls and drove home. My mom was back in the hospital. For most people this would be ok, for me it was EPIC. It was first time driving across the state since my Brain Injury 19 months ago. That was such a big deal for me. I have the self esteem and self confidence of a gnat about lots of things, and me getting across the state was so AMAZING!!!! Mom didnt know I was coming, and neither did dad. SNEAKY I was. Tuesday I got here, mom was able to understand that I was here. I joked with her a bit, I am glad she was able to understand I made it here. I needed to see her. Ironically I was saying to friends I needed to try to make it across the state so I can prove to myself that I can do it, just so that the first time I did it would not be for a funeral. So Tuesday I made it to Wilkes Barre, Friday Mom passed. So I guess the first time I made it across the state was for a funeral but at least I did it without knowing it would be for a funeral. Sad as it is, I do still applaud myself for making it. Something like that has built my confidence a bit.
I am glad mom got to hear that I had an interview at UPMC. I have heard from people that she was very happy for me and excited. That makes me happy that I finally started sharing some of my life with her before she passed. I kept a lot to myself because I did not want her to worry about me or give her false hope that I was rocking at life!! 2 hours after burying her, UPMC called me with the job offer!! I ran outside and screamed THANK YOU MOM to the sky! 2 hours in the ground and she was already busy trying to get my life in order. I can imagine wee lil mom being up there raising hell, trying to get me some help I need. <3 her for that!
Stress, sadness, emotions running amok and brain injury are not a good combination. But it is what it is. I was losing words more, using wrong words, totally not editing myself, being innapropriate (more so), and trolling for men at mom's viewing. (LOL, yeah I was) There was no filter on me whatsoever.
Mom's passing is just the icing on the cake of 19 months of hell for me....and now for my dad (more so) Brain injury, 4 brain surgeries, galbladder out, losing my job, me being a general hot mess, mom diagnosed with cancer, mom passing. Someday this shit has got to stop. Though if it keeps on going, I really will be the strongest woman ever, no doubt about it!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Life- Full Force
April has been busy busy busy.
Physical Therapy 2 times a week. Fighting with unemployment. Applying for jobs. Getting physicals for a job I got, starting said job and having my head pop off.
I dont know if it is me, or if the job experience at this agency is as confusing as I think it is. I get so flustered, overwhelemed, yet zone out, get frustrated, feel lost mentally and physically, yet it is what it is. Can't live life by not living it.
After I accepeted this job I got a call from UPMC asking if I wanted to interview for one of the batrillion jobs I applied for. OMG, talked about geeked. It would be full time, with benefits. In case y'all don't know, I NEED BENEFITS since going to all sorts of doctors really is my part time job.
I interviewed for the job and it went well. They are going through the process of all the background checks. I am geeked and anxious. And don't bother telling me everyone gets anxious about new jobs. I know, I have had new jobs before. But this is a different anxiety. Don't try to compare normal to brain injured. I get frustrated when people do that. I know you all mean well when you say things like that, but I do get frustrated. This anxiety, self doubt, etc is way different than "normal". I have to worry about things you wouldn't have to. But like I been saying, I am going balls to the wall. And if I get this job for sure and if I fuck up and fail and get let go or have to quit, at least I can then probably get disability. Not that I want it, I do have some pride and I KNOW I can work if people can be patient with me and give me a wicked big learning curve.
Right now between Job 1, potential of UPMC job, unemployment and having to have yet another appeal for it, random medical issues, June 21st coming up (the big trial, trying again), mom being sick. Finally basically telling 2 "friends" goodbye and fuck off, making new friends and then almost instantly losing them, I am on brain drain, emotion drain, balls to the wall fukitol. I gotta do me. So if I become more self centered I am sorry. I am all about me, I gotta do me.
Physical Therapy 2 times a week. Fighting with unemployment. Applying for jobs. Getting physicals for a job I got, starting said job and having my head pop off.
I dont know if it is me, or if the job experience at this agency is as confusing as I think it is. I get so flustered, overwhelemed, yet zone out, get frustrated, feel lost mentally and physically, yet it is what it is. Can't live life by not living it.
After I accepeted this job I got a call from UPMC asking if I wanted to interview for one of the batrillion jobs I applied for. OMG, talked about geeked. It would be full time, with benefits. In case y'all don't know, I NEED BENEFITS since going to all sorts of doctors really is my part time job.
I interviewed for the job and it went well. They are going through the process of all the background checks. I am geeked and anxious. And don't bother telling me everyone gets anxious about new jobs. I know, I have had new jobs before. But this is a different anxiety. Don't try to compare normal to brain injured. I get frustrated when people do that. I know you all mean well when you say things like that, but I do get frustrated. This anxiety, self doubt, etc is way different than "normal". I have to worry about things you wouldn't have to. But like I been saying, I am going balls to the wall. And if I get this job for sure and if I fuck up and fail and get let go or have to quit, at least I can then probably get disability. Not that I want it, I do have some pride and I KNOW I can work if people can be patient with me and give me a wicked big learning curve.
Right now between Job 1, potential of UPMC job, unemployment and having to have yet another appeal for it, random medical issues, June 21st coming up (the big trial, trying again), mom being sick. Finally basically telling 2 "friends" goodbye and fuck off, making new friends and then almost instantly losing them, I am on brain drain, emotion drain, balls to the wall fukitol. I gotta do me. So if I become more self centered I am sorry. I am all about me, I gotta do me.
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