Thursday, February 9, 2012
Where is my semi-charmed kind of life?: Dear boy that broke me
Where is my semi-charmed kind of life?: Dear boy that broke me: Instead of a Dear John letter, here is a Dear Austin letter. Dear Austin, 2 Years and 5 months ago, you broke me. We may have both made t...
Dear boy that broke me
Instead of a Dear John letter, here is a Dear Austin letter.
Dear Austin, 2 Years and 5 months ago, you broke me. We may have both made the most stupid mistake of our lives. Well at least mine, since my life basically stopped and yours kept going. You may have a hit a few rough spots, but trust me. YOU GOT OFF WAY EASY!!!!!!!
While you keep trucking in your world of being a lawyer I had to stop what I loved and now I have to find a new love. Do you have any idea how hard it is for someone with a brain injury to do new things? Sure, I know I seem to do really well with everything. But no one really knows how much every thing is a struggle for me. Driving is a struggle, making decisions is a struggle, retaining information is a struggle. I get lost in conversations quite frequently. It sucks. I used to always be self conscious of it, but now I am like fuck it! Fuck it all. And since I am saying Fuck it....I am now going to start going back to school.
Austin do you have any idea how scary it is for me to go back to school? I will be doing school full time and working full time. My brain scrambled self will have about 15 hour days. That is hard for any "normal" person, but it is doubly hard for me. I am so damn scared, but I have to do it because you broke me. I will be in school from 10-2 and then working from 3-11/11:30. And my days will be longer because i will be taking the bus. I have to take the bus because driving downtown makes my head explode and fills me with anxiety and confusion to the extreme. It is not safe for me to be driving. And then when school starts it really won't be safe for me, because the exhaustion will be dangerous. And then I will have the tbi hangover feeling. I finally had that for the first time last week. I felt like I had a night out of partying, drinking and smoking and being a fool until 5 a.m. But all I did was drive down town, figure my way around town, walked around trying to find where I was supposed to be. Received information about school, and talked to an admission representative. Just that put me over the edge. I felt like shit the next day. So thank you for that.
You may have taken away my friends, my social life, my work life, my life that I knew from 1979 until 2009. So I guess me going back to school is the last piece of me trying to find my new life. I have given up on social life, I have given up on getting friends, I have given up on actually being happy and not just putting on a front. Now I have to to try to find yet a new version of myself, but this time without mother fucking brain surgery. Finding my new self on my own terms now.
So I am scared out of my mind. I am full of anxiety, apprehension, and self doubt. Is this the right choice for me, or am I just being impulsive as usual? I'll never know unless I try. I hope this is not a mistake because if so, this is a $19,000 mistake.
Dear Austin, 2 Years and 5 months ago, you broke me. We may have both made the most stupid mistake of our lives. Well at least mine, since my life basically stopped and yours kept going. You may have a hit a few rough spots, but trust me. YOU GOT OFF WAY EASY!!!!!!!
While you keep trucking in your world of being a lawyer I had to stop what I loved and now I have to find a new love. Do you have any idea how hard it is for someone with a brain injury to do new things? Sure, I know I seem to do really well with everything. But no one really knows how much every thing is a struggle for me. Driving is a struggle, making decisions is a struggle, retaining information is a struggle. I get lost in conversations quite frequently. It sucks. I used to always be self conscious of it, but now I am like fuck it! Fuck it all. And since I am saying Fuck it....I am now going to start going back to school.
Austin do you have any idea how scary it is for me to go back to school? I will be doing school full time and working full time. My brain scrambled self will have about 15 hour days. That is hard for any "normal" person, but it is doubly hard for me. I am so damn scared, but I have to do it because you broke me. I will be in school from 10-2 and then working from 3-11/11:30. And my days will be longer because i will be taking the bus. I have to take the bus because driving downtown makes my head explode and fills me with anxiety and confusion to the extreme. It is not safe for me to be driving. And then when school starts it really won't be safe for me, because the exhaustion will be dangerous. And then I will have the tbi hangover feeling. I finally had that for the first time last week. I felt like I had a night out of partying, drinking and smoking and being a fool until 5 a.m. But all I did was drive down town, figure my way around town, walked around trying to find where I was supposed to be. Received information about school, and talked to an admission representative. Just that put me over the edge. I felt like shit the next day. So thank you for that.
You may have taken away my friends, my social life, my work life, my life that I knew from 1979 until 2009. So I guess me going back to school is the last piece of me trying to find my new life. I have given up on social life, I have given up on getting friends, I have given up on actually being happy and not just putting on a front. Now I have to to try to find yet a new version of myself, but this time without mother fucking brain surgery. Finding my new self on my own terms now.
So I am scared out of my mind. I am full of anxiety, apprehension, and self doubt. Is this the right choice for me, or am I just being impulsive as usual? I'll never know unless I try. I hope this is not a mistake because if so, this is a $19,000 mistake.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Where is my semi-charmed kind of life?: I'm a big kid now...sort of
Where is my semi-charmed kind of life?: I'm a big kid now...sort of: Today, I Kara E Hoban rode a public bus (not a short one smart asses :) ) for the first time by myself. I never have done this before. In ...
I'm a big kid now...sort of
Today, I Kara E Hoban rode a public bus (not a short one smart asses :) ) for the first time by myself. I never have done this before. In college I always rode a bus now and then with friends. I never had to rely on the system. Never cared to. Confused the hell out of me in my before life and I thought my head would explode with this version of me.
A few months ago I had to have one friend ride with me on the bus just to show me how it works. Where to wait for the bus, how to let the bus know I want to get on it. When to pay, how to pay. What times the busses come. The whole thing was all so confusing to me. I had one friend ride with me and 2 other friends explained the schedules to me. This was a big anxiety trigger for me. Having to do new things, the great unknown, things that any normal person would handle just fine, kind of rock my world. It is more a fear of looking stupid and getting too confused and getting lost. I don't like being "stupid" or looking too confused in normal every day situations. It is one of my deficits since my brain rearrangement. I HATE looking like I have no idea what I am doing. I think people are going to judge me. I know logically people won't give a shit, no one will notice, etc, but I can't help it.
So my anxiety of winter and now having a job I can't walk to in the winter I had to learn the bus system or quit my job in the winter. My anxiety/terror/phobia of winter has trumped my fear of the bus system. So today I heard we were going to get some snow...it was not that bad, but I decided to do the bus instead of driving, in case the snow got worse when I was at work. Work did not need to see me have an epic meltdown, full blown panic/anxiety attack, so I did the bus.
I took the bus to and from work. A girl could get used to that. Being able to chill while a strange person driving a huge vehicle filled with strange people was sort of relaxing. It was relaxing because I did not have to use too much brain power for driving. I got off the bus too early, which was fine because I could take a slow walk to work which was nice and calming. I got off of the bus too late at home, but that was ok too. It was all ok except for the fact that I walk like a jack ass in the snow. I am so fearful of falling I walk so stiffly and so tense, and I kind of shuffle/ tip toe/ tilt. Ir hurts my back and my dislocated pelvis and leg even more. But I can only conquer one fear at a time folks. See, these are all some of the reasons I am terrified of winter. It all boils down to me petrified of getting hurt again. I don't want to fall, I don't want to crash, I don't want to be on a bus that someone shoots at. It's all fear fear fear.
Taking the bus was good. The snow was not that bad today, but at least I proved to myself I can do the bus. This is big for a girl with trust issues, fear of being hurt, fear of winter. Trusting a stranger driving me around in the snow is big for me considering I need xanax to be with my dad when he drives me in the snow. And I TRUST HIM...I know him, and here I am trusting myself to s complete stranger. How I will be when the winter gets worse, time can only tell. But for now, I am patting myself on the back for this accomplishment.
A few months ago I had to have one friend ride with me on the bus just to show me how it works. Where to wait for the bus, how to let the bus know I want to get on it. When to pay, how to pay. What times the busses come. The whole thing was all so confusing to me. I had one friend ride with me and 2 other friends explained the schedules to me. This was a big anxiety trigger for me. Having to do new things, the great unknown, things that any normal person would handle just fine, kind of rock my world. It is more a fear of looking stupid and getting too confused and getting lost. I don't like being "stupid" or looking too confused in normal every day situations. It is one of my deficits since my brain rearrangement. I HATE looking like I have no idea what I am doing. I think people are going to judge me. I know logically people won't give a shit, no one will notice, etc, but I can't help it.
So my anxiety of winter and now having a job I can't walk to in the winter I had to learn the bus system or quit my job in the winter. My anxiety/terror/phobia of winter has trumped my fear of the bus system. So today I heard we were going to get some snow...it was not that bad, but I decided to do the bus instead of driving, in case the snow got worse when I was at work. Work did not need to see me have an epic meltdown, full blown panic/anxiety attack, so I did the bus.
I took the bus to and from work. A girl could get used to that. Being able to chill while a strange person driving a huge vehicle filled with strange people was sort of relaxing. It was relaxing because I did not have to use too much brain power for driving. I got off the bus too early, which was fine because I could take a slow walk to work which was nice and calming. I got off of the bus too late at home, but that was ok too. It was all ok except for the fact that I walk like a jack ass in the snow. I am so fearful of falling I walk so stiffly and so tense, and I kind of shuffle/ tip toe/ tilt. Ir hurts my back and my dislocated pelvis and leg even more. But I can only conquer one fear at a time folks. See, these are all some of the reasons I am terrified of winter. It all boils down to me petrified of getting hurt again. I don't want to fall, I don't want to crash, I don't want to be on a bus that someone shoots at. It's all fear fear fear.
Taking the bus was good. The snow was not that bad today, but at least I proved to myself I can do the bus. This is big for a girl with trust issues, fear of being hurt, fear of winter. Trusting a stranger driving me around in the snow is big for me considering I need xanax to be with my dad when he drives me in the snow. And I TRUST HIM...I know him, and here I am trusting myself to s complete stranger. How I will be when the winter gets worse, time can only tell. But for now, I am patting myself on the back for this accomplishment.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
goodbye 2011 hello 2012
A year of reflection and rambling by me.
For the first time since 2008 and 1979-1996, then 1997-2008 I have not had any surgeries! So one full year since my cluster fuck of breaking my head open and my life, I have not had any surgeries. That is a big accomplishment in my book.
I am not going to focus on the losses for once, I am going to focus on the gains.
In 2011 I have gained some self confidence back.
I have gained some more doctors. And for me the professional doctor stalker this is awesome.
Change does not rock my world and make my head explode as much as it used to.
Independence again.
I gained a mother friggin job! Much needed and think this has helped with the self confidence and the ability to handle change.
Weight. Damn you weight, you need to go away in 2012.
Work acquaintances and friends. I needed this. I needed people and this has helped with a majority of the depression going away. The depression is one loss I am willing to bring up right now. Now back to the gains.
A greater love for my father. We actually say I love you now. We never did that before.
The ability to realize I am a hell of a lot stronger than I ever thought I was.
Being able to sometimes ask for help. I cannot always do that, but I can do it at times. My stubborn ass and the rest of my body always hated asking for help. Thought it showed a sign of weakness but now I know it's actually a sign of strength.
A boo here and there. LOL. Maybe I can find one that sticks in 2012.
As 2011 closes the biggest loss was my mother. That was like a kick in the heart, back, head, and ass. The one thing I will always always remember...and I wish my short term memory was shittier at times due to this one moment. In January of 2011 when she was in the hospital the doctors asked if she had any stress in her life. She said that she did, that her daughter was in an accident, is a brain injury survivor and was close to death and was still having some issues and just got back from another brain surgery. It is true. In December of 2010 I had my last brain surgery, and then mom was in the hospital for complications. I know my accident did not cause her cancer, but I felt a twinge of guilt. I know stress of me did not cause the cancer to worsen, but still, I will always remember her saying that. :(
As for 2012 here is what I want to try to do.
Take over the world.
Seriously look into and try to figure out financially, sanely, safely trying to go to school part time for either nursing or Patient Care Technician.
Stay off of motorcycles.
Try to have some more fun. I miss fun, I really do.
Try again to let go of my old life. I have to stop comparing this life to my old life. I have to embrace what I have. Easier said than done, but I will try.
Try to keep a boo. Yeah, I'm harping on this...but Wonder Woman needs a full time man. LOL. too hard to remember things about one then move on to another then another. Give a girl a break. lol
Finally get my invisible jet out of the shop. They have been working on that for like 2 years!! I need to get it to another Invisible Jet mechanic and maybe they can fix it. I'm sick of this driving shit like a normal human. :)
Goodbye 2011...hello 2012. Please please bring all good for me. I need good, I deserve good. I do enough good for others so can I please have a chance?
For the first time since 2008 and 1979-1996, then 1997-2008 I have not had any surgeries! So one full year since my cluster fuck of breaking my head open and my life, I have not had any surgeries. That is a big accomplishment in my book.
I am not going to focus on the losses for once, I am going to focus on the gains.
In 2011 I have gained some self confidence back.
I have gained some more doctors. And for me the professional doctor stalker this is awesome.
Change does not rock my world and make my head explode as much as it used to.
Independence again.
I gained a mother friggin job! Much needed and think this has helped with the self confidence and the ability to handle change.
Weight. Damn you weight, you need to go away in 2012.
Work acquaintances and friends. I needed this. I needed people and this has helped with a majority of the depression going away. The depression is one loss I am willing to bring up right now. Now back to the gains.
A greater love for my father. We actually say I love you now. We never did that before.
The ability to realize I am a hell of a lot stronger than I ever thought I was.
Being able to sometimes ask for help. I cannot always do that, but I can do it at times. My stubborn ass and the rest of my body always hated asking for help. Thought it showed a sign of weakness but now I know it's actually a sign of strength.
A boo here and there. LOL. Maybe I can find one that sticks in 2012.
As 2011 closes the biggest loss was my mother. That was like a kick in the heart, back, head, and ass. The one thing I will always always remember...and I wish my short term memory was shittier at times due to this one moment. In January of 2011 when she was in the hospital the doctors asked if she had any stress in her life. She said that she did, that her daughter was in an accident, is a brain injury survivor and was close to death and was still having some issues and just got back from another brain surgery. It is true. In December of 2010 I had my last brain surgery, and then mom was in the hospital for complications. I know my accident did not cause her cancer, but I felt a twinge of guilt. I know stress of me did not cause the cancer to worsen, but still, I will always remember her saying that. :(
As for 2012 here is what I want to try to do.
Take over the world.
Seriously look into and try to figure out financially, sanely, safely trying to go to school part time for either nursing or Patient Care Technician.
Stay off of motorcycles.
Try to have some more fun. I miss fun, I really do.
Try again to let go of my old life. I have to stop comparing this life to my old life. I have to embrace what I have. Easier said than done, but I will try.
Try to keep a boo. Yeah, I'm harping on this...but Wonder Woman needs a full time man. LOL. too hard to remember things about one then move on to another then another. Give a girl a break. lol
Finally get my invisible jet out of the shop. They have been working on that for like 2 years!! I need to get it to another Invisible Jet mechanic and maybe they can fix it. I'm sick of this driving shit like a normal human. :)
Goodbye 2011...hello 2012. Please please bring all good for me. I need good, I deserve good. I do enough good for others so can I please have a chance?
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Where is my semi-charmed kind of life?: 6 month review
Where is my semi-charmed kind of life?: 6 month review: I received my 6 month review from my supervisor. For someone who for a year struggled with the fear of having to figure out how to get a jo...
6 month review
I received my 6 month review from my supervisor. For someone who for a year struggled with the fear of having to figure out how to get a job, I ROCK!!!!
For a year after getting canned I was so scared of trying to figure out how to get a job. I was not able to answer questions. I was having too many doctor appointments. I was getting tired way too fast. I could not concentrate on one thing for very long. I could not handle being in or going to new places. I was afraid I would do something dumb. Would I repeat myself too much?? Would my scars on my head show? Would I be in too much pain? Would I get angry over something and flip out? How the hell was I supposed to get a job if I couldn't answer a question such as "How are you doing today?"
I had some interviews, didn't get those jobs. Had an interview for a job I thought I would love, got the job and pretty much within 3 days I was over it. HATED IT...and I was full of so much anxiety. How was I supposed to do this? I needed a job, but I despised the one I got. I knew my anger was getting out of control just in the 3 days I went through training with this particular job. And then wouldn't you know UPMC calls me and offers me the job I figured would be better for me. YAYAYAYA!!!
Somehow I went from not being able to answer questions to acing interviews. And now I have a job that I rock at! Sometimes I get angry, I have only flipped out once. Not at a patient but at a nurse and nursing assistant. I deal with the unknown daily. I get asked questions by doctors, nurses, patients, and families. I somehow am able to deal with all of this without having meltdowns. Some days are crazier than others. And believe me I feel it when I am driving home and ready to crash and burn. Here is an example of a crazy day. I get to work and am assigned to work the Traumatic Brain Injury unit. I am working, getting in my groove then all of a sudden I am pulled and have to go to the ER. In the ER I am with a drunk and disorderly patient. Then I get pulled and am told I need to go to the Detox unit. I get to Detox and am working with someone that is going through the tremens stage of detoxing. Delirious, angry, flight risk, swinging...and then all of a sudden I am pulled to go with a child in the burn unit. See, change change change....walking all over the hospital getting from point A to B to C to D. And doing it all in record time and not getting lost.
I got my review and I basically kick ass!!!I got solid strong performer on every section.
Kara is able to maintain direct observation of her patients and report all needed information to the RN on duty and the patients doctors.
Kara is very polite and enthusiastic about every patient that she sits with. She is able to maintain a positive relationship with everyone she meets.
-Takes responsibility for own actions
-Recognizes own strengths and weaknesses and seeks/accepts constructive feedback, incorporating it into work
-Exhibits objectivity and openness to the view of others, including patients/families
-Considers, and takes appropriate actions, based upon the perspectives of diverse populations
-Adapts to changes in the work environment and appropriately incorporates new information
-Effectively deals with pressure and uncertainty
-Deals effectively with a variety of people, personalities, and cultures
Kara has been a very positive and enthusiastic member of our team. Kara is able to provide a safe environment for our monitored patients. She maintains a positive relationship with everyone she encounters. She voluntarily makes great use of the patient monitor activity program. I look forward to having Kara continue her employment with UPMC.
That is just a snippet. I don't want to bore you all with my awesomeness!!! But seriously, from a girl that was petrified, scared, anxious, confused, angry, easily flustered, etc, I kick ass. My work brain is awesome. Now if I can just get my work brain into the rest of my life. :)
I was struggling to get cognitive rehab and was getting denied because I was not severe enough, I was high functioning. So I shut down and had a few meltdowns then put on my big girl panties and went after the world instead of the world always knocking me down. So now I am an employed, kick ass brain scrambler. I am by no means perfect, I am not what I was, but I am what I am now and I am almost ready to accept this version.
For a year after getting canned I was so scared of trying to figure out how to get a job. I was not able to answer questions. I was having too many doctor appointments. I was getting tired way too fast. I could not concentrate on one thing for very long. I could not handle being in or going to new places. I was afraid I would do something dumb. Would I repeat myself too much?? Would my scars on my head show? Would I be in too much pain? Would I get angry over something and flip out? How the hell was I supposed to get a job if I couldn't answer a question such as "How are you doing today?"
I had some interviews, didn't get those jobs. Had an interview for a job I thought I would love, got the job and pretty much within 3 days I was over it. HATED IT...and I was full of so much anxiety. How was I supposed to do this? I needed a job, but I despised the one I got. I knew my anger was getting out of control just in the 3 days I went through training with this particular job. And then wouldn't you know UPMC calls me and offers me the job I figured would be better for me. YAYAYAYA!!!
Somehow I went from not being able to answer questions to acing interviews. And now I have a job that I rock at! Sometimes I get angry, I have only flipped out once. Not at a patient but at a nurse and nursing assistant. I deal with the unknown daily. I get asked questions by doctors, nurses, patients, and families. I somehow am able to deal with all of this without having meltdowns. Some days are crazier than others. And believe me I feel it when I am driving home and ready to crash and burn. Here is an example of a crazy day. I get to work and am assigned to work the Traumatic Brain Injury unit. I am working, getting in my groove then all of a sudden I am pulled and have to go to the ER. In the ER I am with a drunk and disorderly patient. Then I get pulled and am told I need to go to the Detox unit. I get to Detox and am working with someone that is going through the tremens stage of detoxing. Delirious, angry, flight risk, swinging...and then all of a sudden I am pulled to go with a child in the burn unit. See, change change change....walking all over the hospital getting from point A to B to C to D. And doing it all in record time and not getting lost.
I got my review and I basically kick ass!!!I got solid strong performer on every section.
Kara is able to maintain direct observation of her patients and report all needed information to the RN on duty and the patients doctors.
Kara is very polite and enthusiastic about every patient that she sits with. She is able to maintain a positive relationship with everyone she meets.
-Takes responsibility for own actions
-Recognizes own strengths and weaknesses and seeks/accepts constructive feedback, incorporating it into work
-Exhibits objectivity and openness to the view of others, including patients/families
-Considers, and takes appropriate actions, based upon the perspectives of diverse populations
-Adapts to changes in the work environment and appropriately incorporates new information
-Effectively deals with pressure and uncertainty
-Deals effectively with a variety of people, personalities, and cultures
Kara has been a very positive and enthusiastic member of our team. Kara is able to provide a safe environment for our monitored patients. She maintains a positive relationship with everyone she encounters. She voluntarily makes great use of the patient monitor activity program. I look forward to having Kara continue her employment with UPMC.
That is just a snippet. I don't want to bore you all with my awesomeness!!! But seriously, from a girl that was petrified, scared, anxious, confused, angry, easily flustered, etc, I kick ass. My work brain is awesome. Now if I can just get my work brain into the rest of my life. :)
I was struggling to get cognitive rehab and was getting denied because I was not severe enough, I was high functioning. So I shut down and had a few meltdowns then put on my big girl panties and went after the world instead of the world always knocking me down. So now I am an employed, kick ass brain scrambler. I am by no means perfect, I am not what I was, but I am what I am now and I am almost ready to accept this version.
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