I'm a big kid now...sort of

Today, I Kara E Hoban rode a public bus (not a short one smart asses :) ) for the first time by myself. I never have done this before. In college I always rode a bus now and then with friends. I never had to rely on the system. Never cared to. Confused the hell out of me in my before life and I thought my head would explode with this version of me.

A few months ago I had to have one friend ride with me on the bus just to show me how it works. Where to wait for the bus, how to let the bus know I want to get on it. When to pay, how to pay. What times the busses come. The whole thing was all so confusing to me. I had one friend ride with me and 2 other friends explained the schedules to me. This was a big anxiety trigger for me. Having to do new things, the great unknown, things that any normal person would handle just fine, kind of rock my world. It is more a fear of looking stupid and getting too confused and getting lost. I don't like being "stupid" or looking too confused in normal every day situations. It is one of my deficits since my brain rearrangement. I HATE looking like I have no idea what I am doing. I think people are going to judge me. I know logically people won't give a shit, no one will notice, etc, but I can't help it.

So my anxiety of winter and now having a job I can't walk to in the winter I had to learn the bus system or quit my job in the winter. My anxiety/terror/phobia of winter has trumped my fear of the bus system. So today I heard we were going to get some snow...it was not that bad, but I decided to do the bus instead of driving, in case the snow got worse when I was at work. Work did not need to see me have an epic meltdown, full blown panic/anxiety attack, so I did the bus.

I took the bus to and from work. A girl could get used to that. Being able to chill while a strange person driving a huge vehicle filled with strange people was sort of relaxing. It was relaxing because I did not have to use too much brain power for driving. I got off the bus too early, which was fine because I could take a slow walk to work which was nice and calming. I got off of the bus too late at home, but that was ok too. It was all ok except for the fact that I walk like a jack ass in the snow. I am so fearful of falling I walk so stiffly and so tense, and I kind of shuffle/ tip toe/ tilt. Ir hurts my back and my dislocated pelvis and leg even more. But I can only conquer one fear at a time folks. See, these are all some of the reasons I am terrified of winter. It all boils down to me petrified of getting hurt again. I don't want to fall, I don't want to crash, I don't want to be on a bus that someone shoots at. It's all fear fear fear.

Taking the bus was good. The snow was not that bad today, but at least I proved to myself I can do the bus. This is big for a girl with trust issues, fear of being hurt, fear of winter. Trusting a stranger driving me around in the snow is big for me considering I need xanax to be with my dad when he drives me in the snow. And I TRUST HIM...I know him, and here I am trusting myself to s complete stranger. How I will be when the winter gets worse, time can only tell. But for now, I am patting myself on the back for this accomplishment.