working 9-5. Nope scratch that....7-330 or 3-1130

Every time I drive into the parking garage at Mercy Hospital I think of the very first time I had to drive there myself after my accident and passing the state evaluation to drive again.  A few days before I had to have a friend drive me so I could envision a path to getting there.  Then the day I had to do it myself, I got in the car, started it up and started crying because I was so scared.  Mercy was out of my driving comfort zone.  I never drove there regularly pre-accident so therefor it was new and scary to me!  Crying and driving while already having driving anxiety is not a good mix.  And then when I got in the garage I was freaking out even more.  Would I remember where I parked???  Would I hit cars trying to drive through the garage????  And now I work there, I cry when I drive there now because it is too early in the a.m. J

The first week of working was rough. Especially the first day.  Getting lost in hospital, trying to figure out exactly what my job is.  Where the hell do I punch in?!?  After that day of work, I was a zombie!!!   Brain fatigue to the extreme!!  To the point where I was afraid to drive home.  I was so tired and having a hard time focusing!  Sure, it is still tiring, there are some days/nights where I am so tired I still am apprehensive about driving, but I am not sleeping over at the hospital unless I get my own bed back on the Brain Injury Rehab Unit.  Lol

The first day I was placed on the brain injury unit, I could not stop smiling.  It was sort of surreal being there as a worker, but it felt damn good and it feels weird to see the brain injury world from the working side not the patient side.  Sure, my brain injury did not go away I will always have it, but at least I am not a patient this time.  Some of the doctors, nurses, case managers, Physical Therapists, Occupational Therapists, Speech Therapists, Neuropsychologist, Rehab aides, recognized me.  I know they were not just playing the polite game, they remembered things about me so they really did remember me.  CRAZY!  And once they figure out who I am, the look on their faces is priceless.  The first couple times I was on the unit they called me Motorcycle or Helmet.   I was in a motorcycle accident and I had to wear a helmet on the unit because part of my skull was removed.  There are not too many helmeted patients, especially females, so I guess I am going down in history.  I like that unit because in a way it helps me.  I get to see what I was “like”  Not that I was exactly the way the patients are, we are all different, but I can get glimpses.  Stories my friends have told me, make sense now.  And I like being totally understanding of the patients.  I think I can help them more than the people that work the unit. I mean hell, been there done that!!  I can explain to the workers to slow down, to not bombard with too much information, to break shit down, to turn off the TV when talking to a patient.  ETC.  I ROCK!!!!

Working is good, it is helping me for sure.  Makes me realize I can handle change.  I can handle not knowing what I am getting into every day.  There is no pattern to the job, never do the same thing and I can handle it.  I don’t even think about it.  I just go in and do it.  I never know where I am being placed until I sign in, so I could be anywhere in the hospital, and I just go balls to the wall and do it.  Its hard, but it has helped me.  I am emotionally and mentally and physically exhausted but I do it.

They do use my strengths which is good.  I get placed in TBI rehab unit, detox, neuro trauma CCU, and with mental health patients A LOT!  I get asked if I am a doctor, counselor, therapist or a nurse.  I am none of the above, I am just mother fucking awesome and don’t you forget that!!  And I get that question from doctors, nurses, and therapists!  So that is awesome!!   I do more than I am supposed to, but I can’t just sit there for 8 hours and stare at patients. 

I get to know patients I take the time to get information about them to make them more comfortable.  I mean I have been a patient enough, I know how much it sucks, so I like to keep it real with the patients and just shoot the shit with them and make it feel “normal” 

I like the job, wish there was more I can do.  Seriously thinking about nursing.  Hell, UPMC would pay for me.  Gotta figure out if I can handle working first.  Then try to figure out how to get do school and work.  And then BAM Hello Kara RN and CBIS (certified brain injury specialist)  I am going to try to get certified in October for that!  Why??  Because I am mother fucking awesome!!!  Just sayin'

what doesnt kill me makes me stronger...I am the strongest woman ever!!!

While this is not brain injury specific, brain injury does play a role in this tale.

For a few months, I have been fighting myself (mentally) fighting the system, worrying for my mom and dad, and trying to live a life.  For a month or 2, I have said to my friends "I dont think my mom has long for this world."  On May 3 I grew a giant set of balls and drove home.  My mom was back in the hospital.  For most people this would be ok, for me it was EPIC.  It was first time driving across the state since my Brain Injury 19 months ago.  That was such a big deal for me.  I have the self esteem and self confidence of a gnat about lots of things, and me getting across the state was so AMAZING!!!!   Mom didnt know I was coming, and neither did dad.  SNEAKY I was.   Tuesday I got here, mom was able to understand that I was here.  I joked with her a bit, I am glad she was able to understand I made it here.  I needed to see her.  Ironically I was saying to friends I needed to try to make it across the state so I can prove to myself that I can do it, just so that the first time I did it would not be for a funeral.  So Tuesday I made it to Wilkes Barre, Friday Mom passed.  So I guess the first time I made it across the state was for a funeral but at least I did it without knowing it would be for a funeral.   Sad as it is, I do still applaud myself for making it.  Something like that has built my confidence a bit.

I am glad mom got to hear that I had an interview at UPMC.  I have heard from people that she was very happy for me and excited.  That makes me happy that I finally started sharing some of my life with her before she passed.  I kept a lot to myself because I did not want her to worry about me  or give her false hope that I was rocking at life!!  2 hours after burying her, UPMC called me with the job offer!!  I ran outside and screamed THANK YOU MOM to the sky!  2 hours in the ground and she was already busy trying to get my life in order.  I can imagine wee lil mom being up there raising hell, trying to get me some help I need.  <3 her for that!

Stress, sadness, emotions running amok and brain injury are not a good combination.  But it is what it is.  I was losing words more, using wrong words, totally not editing myself, being innapropriate (more so), and trolling for men at mom's viewing.  (LOL, yeah I was)  There was no filter on me whatsoever.

Mom's passing is just the icing on the cake of 19 months of hell for me....and now for my dad (more so)  Brain injury, 4 brain surgeries, galbladder out, losing my job, me being a general hot mess, mom diagnosed with cancer, mom passing.  Someday this shit has got to stop.  Though if it keeps on going, I really will be the strongest woman ever, no doubt about it!

Life- Full Force

April has been busy busy busy.

Physical Therapy 2 times a week.  Fighting with unemployment.  Applying for jobs.  Getting physicals for a job I got, starting said job and having my head pop off.

I dont know if it is me, or if the job experience at this agency is as confusing as I think it is.  I get so flustered, overwhelemed, yet zone out, get frustrated, feel lost mentally and physically, yet it is what it is.  Can't live life by not living it.

After I accepeted this job I got a call from UPMC asking if I wanted to interview for one of the batrillion jobs I applied for.  OMG, talked about geeked.  It would be full time, with benefits.  In case y'all don't know, I NEED BENEFITS since going to all sorts of doctors really is my part time job.

I interviewed for the job and it went well.  They are going through the process of all the background checks.  I am geeked and anxious.  And don't bother telling me everyone gets anxious about new jobs.  I know, I have had new jobs before.  But this is a different anxiety.  Don't try to compare normal to brain injured.  I get frustrated when people do that.  I know you all mean well when you say things like that, but I do get frustrated.  This anxiety, self doubt, etc is way different than "normal".  I have to worry about things you wouldn't have to.  But like I been saying, I am going balls to the wall.  And if I get this job for sure and if I fuck up and fail and get let go or have to quit, at least I can then probably get disability.  Not that I want it, I do have some pride and I KNOW I can work if people can be patient with me and give me a wicked big learning curve.

Right now between Job 1, potential of UPMC job, unemployment and having to have yet another appeal for it, random medical issues, June 21st coming up (the big trial, trying again), mom being sick.  Finally basically telling 2 "friends" goodbye and fuck off, making new friends and then almost instantly losing them, I am on brain drain, emotion drain, balls to the wall fukitol.  I gotta do me.  So if I become more self centered I am sorry.  I am all about me, I gotta do me.

The little things

I wish there were more real life people in my life.  I love my facebook people, but I need more real life people too.  Again, to harp on the same ol same ol, i really miss my friends I had before I decided to rearrange my brain and have a cluster fucked life.  D, B, M, D, S.  I miss you as friends.  Some day I may put in all of the letters of the names and really throw ya out there.  The real life people I see the most have PhD, MD, MSW after their names.  Or they work at Giant Eagle, Kmart, or Family Dollar.

I pretty much never liked weekends, even in my before TBI life.  I always needed  to be busy busy busy and now I need it even more.  But now I need it to celebrate the things in my life.  The things that to most people are normal occurances but to me are a pretty big thing.  I guess almost dying and having a brain rearrangement and trying to over come things,  makes things more exciting.

I used to text people when I had my first stand up shower.  I texted people when I was able to go to the grocery story without freaking the hell out.  I texted people when I got my first haircut.  I texted people when I drove at night.  I texted people when I drove in a thunder storm.  I texted people when I drove in a little teeny bit of snow.  These are major mother effin accomplishments for me.

I texted people and posted on  facebook about my interview!  I left with such a good feeling and then the next day to find out I had an offer was pretty THRILLING.  I just wish I had people to celebrate with.  I need to bring fun and joy back into my life.  I put up a front, but lots of times I dont find things really fun, and that is because I cannot let go of the old me, my old life.  I need to do that.   This is not a call for pity or sympathy, it is just stating facts.  Its just that every little thing is a cause for celebration for me and I dont really get to celebrate.  It is what it is.

The more things change, the more they stay the same

Yeah it has been awhile since I have vented on this or used this, but things are different and the same.  Since the plate being added I am a bajillion times better.  Sure, I am not the original Kara.  I have come to accept this now.  I am me, take me or leave me.  I am almost fully accepting of myself.  It is what it is, right??  Motto of my life.

I am not 100% but that is ok.  I am doing the best with what I am.  Sure, I have some minor deficits now.  Stil make bad choices, have no impulse control, have dis-inhibition. Have some aches and pains, that I have had from the beginning, but now I am doing something about it. Now doctors seem to be more ready to accept when I say something doesn't feel right.  I guess saying for awhile that my head felt weird after my original surgeries and I didn't feel right turning out to be a wicked infection in my skull proved to the doctors that I know my body, I know when something is wrong.  I have proved my point.  Sure saying things don't feel right gives me more doctors and therapies and doctor bills, but I gotta look out for number one.  ME!!  I don't choose this life of doctors appointments, I don't choose this life of lost friends, lost self esteem, loss of a purpose, loss of social life, loss of fun.  But it is my life, rocking and rolling with the punches as they get hurled at me.

During this rocking and rolling with punches I have found some outlets.  I work out like a mo-fo.  Go to the gym a few times a week.  It is my form of socialization.  I don't talk to the people, but it feels good to be around people.  I was afraid to go the gym the first time.  Thought it would be too much to handle, but it isn't. I put on my headphones and rock out.  I get into a zone.  It is just nice to be around other people and not just staring at my walls.  And it gets out my energy and proved to me I can do things.  At least the gym is my outlet.  In the world of TBI, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and suicide are common.  At least I am just addicted to the gym.

I have applied for tons of jobs, interviewed for only one so far.  But I did it.  I may not have gotten that job, but I at least did it.  Proved to myself I could, and that I would not fail at interviewing.  My whole life is trial and error.  I just try things and see if I can do it.  Sometimes, I can't but most of the time I can.  I am done limiting myself and being a poor,broken, woe is me, damaged goods.  I am a normal human just like anyone else.  Sure I have my ups and downs, and sometimes the downs really really suck but I do have my ups.  The downs hurt because I have had so many of them since my brain scramble, and I always think that if I was not broken they would not have happened to me or hurt so damn much.

The jobs I have applied for are all very similar.  Still trying to save the world.  Or help others.  It is what I do, what I was made to do,what I love to do, so I keep trying.  Come hell or high water someone will hire me!!  UPMC, the main hospital system out here will hire me at some point just to get me to stop applying for jobs there.  To date I have applied for 7 jobs there.
  Service Coordination at Psych Hospital, Patient Monitor, Nursing Assistant on Behavioral Health Unit, Patient Care Technician which is a nurse aide, Teachers Aide at hospital Daycare, Child Life Specialist at Childrens Hospital, Peer Support at Psych Hospital.  Are we noticing a trend here?  And then there are other jobs, all along the same line for other agencies.    I really really really WANT to work.  I have worked since I was 15 years old.  At age 14 I was a candy striper (Striper NOT Stripper...lol) at a hospital.  Before that I baby sat and helped my aunt at a boy scout camp.

I cannot do just any job.  I refuse retail.  But if I have to, I suppose some day I will suck it up and try.  But I have done retail before.  Waaaay before, and HATED IT!!!!! Hate hate hate.  I have enough issues, I know my limits and don't want to add to them by hating a job with a passion.  I know me, and I know if I get a job like that, I will spaz out and quit in a minute. I am balls to the wall in all sorts of ways.  And with my impulse control issues too, I could totally see myself telling someone off in that instance. At least I know my limits, and I think it is ok to try to get a job that I know I will love and that works with my strength of helping people.

I may harp on my life, forget to care or show concern for other peoples lives, like my friends that are left, but I am trying.  I am trying to learn me.  Wish people would tell me about myself in a nice way so that I can learn.  I know I suck at some things, but I truly am trying.  Pretty soon I will be 18 months old.  18 months since the accident, and then it is only 4 months since the plate.  4 months of the newest version of me.  Do you have any idea how weird it is to be able to say that there have been multiple versions of yourself?  The original, then the one immediately post accident.  Then the one when the skull piece was re-added.  And the one when the skull was infected.  Then the one when the skull was taken out.  Then the one when the plate was added.  I have been a different person each time.  Not multiple personalities, just different.  One thing that will stick with me is that the other day I was laughing or making one of my sarcastic faces or something and one of my close friends said something to the effect that I am back...I was making a face I have not made in a while a face like my fathers and my laugh was back.  That felt awesome to hear that!!!  Because I do believe this is the best most "normal" version of me, and when she said that I felt like crying because I was so happy to hear that.

To all of the friends I have lost, it is your loss.  But I am also sick of saying and hearing from others, "it is their loss"  I wish it did not have to be like this.  Some of you I would still like in my life.  I put on a tough act.  Bitch about it for a minute and then pretend its ok.  But lots of times I do cry about it.  In my own world in my apartment I do cry.  It is hard to explain it unless you have gone through it, but it hurts to lose friends.  If we got into a fight and I lost you as a friend, that I could understand.  But losing friends due to the fact that I may have been difficult to understand at one point, I may have been a bit different, hard to handle.  Or lost friends because I lost my job.  That all hurts.  It is all through no fault of my own.  And if I do have my weak moments, screw it.  I may claim to be Wonder Woman, but I am only human.  And I would dare you to walk a mile in my shoes, see what it is like.  But I am also humane, and would not wish this on my worst enemy.  Well maybe one person...and he is very deserving of this battle.

positively positive

Yikes, who is this chick posting something with the word Positive in it??  Could it be Kara or did someone hijack her account???

Seriously, I don't know what happened but this is honestly the best version of me.  Getting my diamond encrusted platinum plate is apparently just what I needed.  Maybe I should have had one of these when I started going through puberty.  Keep me even keeled.  LOL

We all know I am Wonder Woman, but I am seriously rocking life hard core now like WW.  Completely balls to the wall.  I am done with being weak, pathetic, and unsure of myself.  I mean honestly, after each surgery I was a bit different.  Unsure, unstable (physically), skull flap less Pissed.  I know the anger was off the hook.  I was all over the place with emotions.  Crying in front of people.  YIKES, who does that?!?!?  :)

Now I am driving without really thinking about it or over analyzing.  I am calling people to get my life in order.  Applying for jobs left n right.  Had one interview.   Realizing maybe I don't need cognitive rehab, I just needed my plate and time to get used to being plated.  Maybe the other times before being flapless I was feeling off and weak because I had that infection eating at my skull.  Makes sense if you think about it.   So maybe this is the healthiest I have been in a long long time.  Maybe this is just what I needed.

I am not limiting myself any more.  Times when I want to quit something I loudly say to myself...and not in my head but actually out loud "Hoban stop mother fucking limiting your self.  You can do it!!!  TBI does not define you, it is just a part of you"

There are some things that I do want to be angry about, but I don't let it bother me any more.  Loss of friends...over that...moving on.   Loss of job, still hurts, but eh...their loss!!  Problems with my unemployment....Ok, whatever, I am working on it but not gonna let it put me over the edge.  Its not worth being angry....gotta move on and embrace this version of me.  Gotta roll with it.   Loving it!!!

Making new friends and getting my life back step by step.  ROCKS!!!!  

Really???

Wow folks be scared.  Not that I spend a lot of time online either VIA laptop or cell phone I am now flogging this from my cell.  Just found Blogger app for Android.  I was not looking for it!!  Man if I can only get coffee service and Pee myself I would never have to leave my bed.  I am sure to some of you that sounds like heaven.  To me that would be hell on earth.  Or hell on bed.