I wish there were more real life people in my life. I love my facebook people, but I need more real life people too. Again, to harp on the same ol same ol, i really miss my friends I had before I decided to rearrange my brain and have a cluster fucked life. D, B, M, D, S. I miss you as friends. Some day I may put in all of the letters of the names and really throw ya out there. The real life people I see the most have PhD, MD, MSW after their names. Or they work at Giant Eagle, Kmart, or Family Dollar.
I pretty much never liked weekends, even in my before TBI life. I always needed to be busy busy busy and now I need it even more. But now I need it to celebrate the things in my life. The things that to most people are normal occurances but to me are a pretty big thing. I guess almost dying and having a brain rearrangement and trying to over come things, makes things more exciting.
I used to text people when I had my first stand up shower. I texted people when I was able to go to the grocery story without freaking the hell out. I texted people when I got my first haircut. I texted people when I drove at night. I texted people when I drove in a thunder storm. I texted people when I drove in a little teeny bit of snow. These are major mother effin accomplishments for me.
I texted people and posted on facebook about my interview! I left with such a good feeling and then the next day to find out I had an offer was pretty THRILLING. I just wish I had people to celebrate with. I need to bring fun and joy back into my life. I put up a front, but lots of times I dont find things really fun, and that is because I cannot let go of the old me, my old life. I need to do that. This is not a call for pity or sympathy, it is just stating facts. Its just that every little thing is a cause for celebration for me and I dont really get to celebrate. It is what it is.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
The more things change, the more they stay the same
Yeah it has been awhile since I have vented on this or used this, but things are different and the same. Since the plate being added I am a bajillion times better. Sure, I am not the original Kara. I have come to accept this now. I am me, take me or leave me. I am almost fully accepting of myself. It is what it is, right?? Motto of my life.
I am not 100% but that is ok. I am doing the best with what I am. Sure, I have some minor deficits now. Stil make bad choices, have no impulse control, have dis-inhibition. Have some aches and pains, that I have had from the beginning, but now I am doing something about it. Now doctors seem to be more ready to accept when I say something doesn't feel right. I guess saying for awhile that my head felt weird after my original surgeries and I didn't feel right turning out to be a wicked infection in my skull proved to the doctors that I know my body, I know when something is wrong. I have proved my point. Sure saying things don't feel right gives me more doctors and therapies and doctor bills, but I gotta look out for number one. ME!! I don't choose this life of doctors appointments, I don't choose this life of lost friends, lost self esteem, loss of a purpose, loss of social life, loss of fun. But it is my life, rocking and rolling with the punches as they get hurled at me.
During this rocking and rolling with punches I have found some outlets. I work out like a mo-fo. Go to the gym a few times a week. It is my form of socialization. I don't talk to the people, but it feels good to be around people. I was afraid to go the gym the first time. Thought it would be too much to handle, but it isn't. I put on my headphones and rock out. I get into a zone. It is just nice to be around other people and not just staring at my walls. And it gets out my energy and proved to me I can do things. At least the gym is my outlet. In the world of TBI, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and suicide are common. At least I am just addicted to the gym.
I have applied for tons of jobs, interviewed for only one so far. But I did it. I may not have gotten that job, but I at least did it. Proved to myself I could, and that I would not fail at interviewing. My whole life is trial and error. I just try things and see if I can do it. Sometimes, I can't but most of the time I can. I am done limiting myself and being a poor,broken, woe is me, damaged goods. I am a normal human just like anyone else. Sure I have my ups and downs, and sometimes the downs really really suck but I do have my ups. The downs hurt because I have had so many of them since my brain scramble, and I always think that if I was not broken they would not have happened to me or hurt so damn much.
The jobs I have applied for are all very similar. Still trying to save the world. Or help others. It is what I do, what I was made to do,what I love to do, so I keep trying. Come hell or high water someone will hire me!! UPMC, the main hospital system out here will hire me at some point just to get me to stop applying for jobs there. To date I have applied for 7 jobs there.
Service Coordination at Psych Hospital, Patient Monitor, Nursing Assistant on Behavioral Health Unit, Patient Care Technician which is a nurse aide, Teachers Aide at hospital Daycare, Child Life Specialist at Childrens Hospital, Peer Support at Psych Hospital. Are we noticing a trend here? And then there are other jobs, all along the same line for other agencies. I really really really WANT to work. I have worked since I was 15 years old. At age 14 I was a candy striper (Striper NOT Stripper...lol) at a hospital. Before that I baby sat and helped my aunt at a boy scout camp.
I cannot do just any job. I refuse retail. But if I have to, I suppose some day I will suck it up and try. But I have done retail before. Waaaay before, and HATED IT!!!!! Hate hate hate. I have enough issues, I know my limits and don't want to add to them by hating a job with a passion. I know me, and I know if I get a job like that, I will spaz out and quit in a minute. I am balls to the wall in all sorts of ways. And with my impulse control issues too, I could totally see myself telling someone off in that instance. At least I know my limits, and I think it is ok to try to get a job that I know I will love and that works with my strength of helping people.
I may harp on my life, forget to care or show concern for other peoples lives, like my friends that are left, but I am trying. I am trying to learn me. Wish people would tell me about myself in a nice way so that I can learn. I know I suck at some things, but I truly am trying. Pretty soon I will be 18 months old. 18 months since the accident, and then it is only 4 months since the plate. 4 months of the newest version of me. Do you have any idea how weird it is to be able to say that there have been multiple versions of yourself? The original, then the one immediately post accident. Then the one when the skull piece was re-added. And the one when the skull was infected. Then the one when the skull was taken out. Then the one when the plate was added. I have been a different person each time. Not multiple personalities, just different. One thing that will stick with me is that the other day I was laughing or making one of my sarcastic faces or something and one of my close friends said something to the effect that I am back...I was making a face I have not made in a while a face like my fathers and my laugh was back. That felt awesome to hear that!!! Because I do believe this is the best most "normal" version of me, and when she said that I felt like crying because I was so happy to hear that.
To all of the friends I have lost, it is your loss. But I am also sick of saying and hearing from others, "it is their loss" I wish it did not have to be like this. Some of you I would still like in my life. I put on a tough act. Bitch about it for a minute and then pretend its ok. But lots of times I do cry about it. In my own world in my apartment I do cry. It is hard to explain it unless you have gone through it, but it hurts to lose friends. If we got into a fight and I lost you as a friend, that I could understand. But losing friends due to the fact that I may have been difficult to understand at one point, I may have been a bit different, hard to handle. Or lost friends because I lost my job. That all hurts. It is all through no fault of my own. And if I do have my weak moments, screw it. I may claim to be Wonder Woman, but I am only human. And I would dare you to walk a mile in my shoes, see what it is like. But I am also humane, and would not wish this on my worst enemy. Well maybe one person...and he is very deserving of this battle.
I am not 100% but that is ok. I am doing the best with what I am. Sure, I have some minor deficits now. Stil make bad choices, have no impulse control, have dis-inhibition. Have some aches and pains, that I have had from the beginning, but now I am doing something about it. Now doctors seem to be more ready to accept when I say something doesn't feel right. I guess saying for awhile that my head felt weird after my original surgeries and I didn't feel right turning out to be a wicked infection in my skull proved to the doctors that I know my body, I know when something is wrong. I have proved my point. Sure saying things don't feel right gives me more doctors and therapies and doctor bills, but I gotta look out for number one. ME!! I don't choose this life of doctors appointments, I don't choose this life of lost friends, lost self esteem, loss of a purpose, loss of social life, loss of fun. But it is my life, rocking and rolling with the punches as they get hurled at me.
During this rocking and rolling with punches I have found some outlets. I work out like a mo-fo. Go to the gym a few times a week. It is my form of socialization. I don't talk to the people, but it feels good to be around people. I was afraid to go the gym the first time. Thought it would be too much to handle, but it isn't. I put on my headphones and rock out. I get into a zone. It is just nice to be around other people and not just staring at my walls. And it gets out my energy and proved to me I can do things. At least the gym is my outlet. In the world of TBI, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and suicide are common. At least I am just addicted to the gym.
I have applied for tons of jobs, interviewed for only one so far. But I did it. I may not have gotten that job, but I at least did it. Proved to myself I could, and that I would not fail at interviewing. My whole life is trial and error. I just try things and see if I can do it. Sometimes, I can't but most of the time I can. I am done limiting myself and being a poor,broken, woe is me, damaged goods. I am a normal human just like anyone else. Sure I have my ups and downs, and sometimes the downs really really suck but I do have my ups. The downs hurt because I have had so many of them since my brain scramble, and I always think that if I was not broken they would not have happened to me or hurt so damn much.
The jobs I have applied for are all very similar. Still trying to save the world. Or help others. It is what I do, what I was made to do,what I love to do, so I keep trying. Come hell or high water someone will hire me!! UPMC, the main hospital system out here will hire me at some point just to get me to stop applying for jobs there. To date I have applied for 7 jobs there.
Service Coordination at Psych Hospital, Patient Monitor, Nursing Assistant on Behavioral Health Unit, Patient Care Technician which is a nurse aide, Teachers Aide at hospital Daycare, Child Life Specialist at Childrens Hospital, Peer Support at Psych Hospital. Are we noticing a trend here? And then there are other jobs, all along the same line for other agencies. I really really really WANT to work. I have worked since I was 15 years old. At age 14 I was a candy striper (Striper NOT Stripper...lol) at a hospital. Before that I baby sat and helped my aunt at a boy scout camp.
I cannot do just any job. I refuse retail. But if I have to, I suppose some day I will suck it up and try. But I have done retail before. Waaaay before, and HATED IT!!!!! Hate hate hate. I have enough issues, I know my limits and don't want to add to them by hating a job with a passion. I know me, and I know if I get a job like that, I will spaz out and quit in a minute. I am balls to the wall in all sorts of ways. And with my impulse control issues too, I could totally see myself telling someone off in that instance. At least I know my limits, and I think it is ok to try to get a job that I know I will love and that works with my strength of helping people.
I may harp on my life, forget to care or show concern for other peoples lives, like my friends that are left, but I am trying. I am trying to learn me. Wish people would tell me about myself in a nice way so that I can learn. I know I suck at some things, but I truly am trying. Pretty soon I will be 18 months old. 18 months since the accident, and then it is only 4 months since the plate. 4 months of the newest version of me. Do you have any idea how weird it is to be able to say that there have been multiple versions of yourself? The original, then the one immediately post accident. Then the one when the skull piece was re-added. And the one when the skull was infected. Then the one when the skull was taken out. Then the one when the plate was added. I have been a different person each time. Not multiple personalities, just different. One thing that will stick with me is that the other day I was laughing or making one of my sarcastic faces or something and one of my close friends said something to the effect that I am back...I was making a face I have not made in a while a face like my fathers and my laugh was back. That felt awesome to hear that!!! Because I do believe this is the best most "normal" version of me, and when she said that I felt like crying because I was so happy to hear that.
To all of the friends I have lost, it is your loss. But I am also sick of saying and hearing from others, "it is their loss" I wish it did not have to be like this. Some of you I would still like in my life. I put on a tough act. Bitch about it for a minute and then pretend its ok. But lots of times I do cry about it. In my own world in my apartment I do cry. It is hard to explain it unless you have gone through it, but it hurts to lose friends. If we got into a fight and I lost you as a friend, that I could understand. But losing friends due to the fact that I may have been difficult to understand at one point, I may have been a bit different, hard to handle. Or lost friends because I lost my job. That all hurts. It is all through no fault of my own. And if I do have my weak moments, screw it. I may claim to be Wonder Woman, but I am only human. And I would dare you to walk a mile in my shoes, see what it is like. But I am also humane, and would not wish this on my worst enemy. Well maybe one person...and he is very deserving of this battle.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
positively positive
Yikes, who is this chick posting something with the word Positive in it?? Could it be Kara or did someone hijack her account???
Seriously, I don't know what happened but this is honestly the best version of me. Getting my diamond encrusted platinum plate is apparently just what I needed. Maybe I should have had one of these when I started going through puberty. Keep me even keeled. LOL
We all know I am Wonder Woman, but I am seriously rocking life hard core now like WW. Completely balls to the wall. I am done with being weak, pathetic, and unsure of myself. I mean honestly, after each surgery I was a bit different. Unsure, unstable (physically), skull flap less Pissed. I know the anger was off the hook. I was all over the place with emotions. Crying in front of people. YIKES, who does that?!?!? :)
Now I am driving without really thinking about it or over analyzing. I am calling people to get my life in order. Applying for jobs left n right. Had one interview. Realizing maybe I don't need cognitive rehab, I just needed my plate and time to get used to being plated. Maybe the other times before being flapless I was feeling off and weak because I had that infection eating at my skull. Makes sense if you think about it. So maybe this is the healthiest I have been in a long long time. Maybe this is just what I needed.
I am not limiting myself any more. Times when I want to quit something I loudly say to myself...and not in my head but actually out loud "Hoban stop mother fucking limiting your self. You can do it!!! TBI does not define you, it is just a part of you"
There are some things that I do want to be angry about, but I don't let it bother me any more. Loss of friends...over that...moving on. Loss of job, still hurts, but eh...their loss!! Problems with my unemployment....Ok, whatever, I am working on it but not gonna let it put me over the edge. Its not worth being angry....gotta move on and embrace this version of me. Gotta roll with it. Loving it!!!
Making new friends and getting my life back step by step. ROCKS!!!!
Seriously, I don't know what happened but this is honestly the best version of me. Getting my diamond encrusted platinum plate is apparently just what I needed. Maybe I should have had one of these when I started going through puberty. Keep me even keeled. LOL
We all know I am Wonder Woman, but I am seriously rocking life hard core now like WW. Completely balls to the wall. I am done with being weak, pathetic, and unsure of myself. I mean honestly, after each surgery I was a bit different. Unsure, unstable (physically), skull flap less Pissed. I know the anger was off the hook. I was all over the place with emotions. Crying in front of people. YIKES, who does that?!?!? :)
Now I am driving without really thinking about it or over analyzing. I am calling people to get my life in order. Applying for jobs left n right. Had one interview. Realizing maybe I don't need cognitive rehab, I just needed my plate and time to get used to being plated. Maybe the other times before being flapless I was feeling off and weak because I had that infection eating at my skull. Makes sense if you think about it. So maybe this is the healthiest I have been in a long long time. Maybe this is just what I needed.
I am not limiting myself any more. Times when I want to quit something I loudly say to myself...and not in my head but actually out loud "Hoban stop mother fucking limiting your self. You can do it!!! TBI does not define you, it is just a part of you"
There are some things that I do want to be angry about, but I don't let it bother me any more. Loss of friends...over that...moving on. Loss of job, still hurts, but eh...their loss!! Problems with my unemployment....Ok, whatever, I am working on it but not gonna let it put me over the edge. Its not worth being angry....gotta move on and embrace this version of me. Gotta roll with it. Loving it!!!
Making new friends and getting my life back step by step. ROCKS!!!!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Really???
Wow folks be scared. Not that I spend a lot of time online either VIA laptop or cell phone I am now flogging this from my cell. Just found Blogger app for Android. I was not looking for it!! Man if I can only get coffee service and Pee myself I would never have to leave my bed. I am sure to some of you that sounds like heaven. To me that would be hell on earth. Or hell on bed.
50 First Dates
Someone posted something on facebook the other day about 50 first dates. And then i posted the song Forgetful Lucy or something like that. And today I decided to watch the movie.
I used to love the movie. Used to laugh hysterically and kind of feel sorry for the character Lucy (FYI, character is one of the words I cannot spell any more since my scramble) So I watched it today...I laughed at some parts and then suddenly at one part in the movie I lost it. SOBBED HYSTERICALLY. That never happened before during this movie. But I just started to cry. WOW, I was kind of expecting to maybe tear up a bit, but I was not expecting the full onslaught. It was intense. Part of it was a pity party and part of it was an ass kicking that I should stop bitching about my life, that it could be worse. That I should be happy for what I do have. But honest to god, it was an emotional roller coaster watching it. At one point I almost turned it off, but I kept it on, because I am Wonder Woman after all and I needed to be able to watch the whole thing.
Sometimes people ask me why I post so much stuff on here. Why I don't keep some stuff to myself, and the simple answer is. BECAUSE. yeah, that is the 9 years old answer. I just do it because I don't care. I have no shame, I share it all. And lots of times it is because I spend so much time alone, this is my way of "talking"
And I do it this way so that I remember too. These are things I need to remember. I might remember a movie made me cry, but I might not be able to remember which one.
One thing i did today which was cool and I was proud of myself. I walked Frick Park and then Schenley Park. I drove with no plans really. I drove kind of in a stupor. Well, maybe that is not a good choice of word, but I drove at one point without a plan. And I was getting all turned around and confused, but I got myself to my destinations. At one point I was yelling at myself in the car saying "Don't Limit yourself because your brain is scrambled Hoban...don't mother effing do it!!!!!!"
So props to me for that!
I used to love the movie. Used to laugh hysterically and kind of feel sorry for the character Lucy (FYI, character is one of the words I cannot spell any more since my scramble) So I watched it today...I laughed at some parts and then suddenly at one part in the movie I lost it. SOBBED HYSTERICALLY. That never happened before during this movie. But I just started to cry. WOW, I was kind of expecting to maybe tear up a bit, but I was not expecting the full onslaught. It was intense. Part of it was a pity party and part of it was an ass kicking that I should stop bitching about my life, that it could be worse. That I should be happy for what I do have. But honest to god, it was an emotional roller coaster watching it. At one point I almost turned it off, but I kept it on, because I am Wonder Woman after all and I needed to be able to watch the whole thing.
Sometimes people ask me why I post so much stuff on here. Why I don't keep some stuff to myself, and the simple answer is. BECAUSE. yeah, that is the 9 years old answer. I just do it because I don't care. I have no shame, I share it all. And lots of times it is because I spend so much time alone, this is my way of "talking"
And I do it this way so that I remember too. These are things I need to remember. I might remember a movie made me cry, but I might not be able to remember which one.
One thing i did today which was cool and I was proud of myself. I walked Frick Park and then Schenley Park. I drove with no plans really. I drove kind of in a stupor. Well, maybe that is not a good choice of word, but I drove at one point without a plan. And I was getting all turned around and confused, but I got myself to my destinations. At one point I was yelling at myself in the car saying "Don't Limit yourself because your brain is scrambled Hoban...don't mother effing do it!!!!!!"
So props to me for that!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
2 posts in one day!!! If I was Gabby GIffords my shit would be on CNN
Bitter...who me???? Nope, never!!! Yeah I harp on the Giffords stuff now, it is just a kick in the ass daily. And it does make me angry. I mean I am glad she is doing as well as she can. Down the line a lil more she will go through some more battles but she will get the care she mother friggin needs because of who she is.
I truly believe that if I was never terminated from my job, I would not be where I am today. I would have been able to adapt to the new me and continue thriving on my work. I should let it go, but I can't. I get so so so angry about it. Now I am trying to find out ways to get some cognitive rehab so I can be a "normal" functioning human being and get a job. But because I am not still in the mother friggin hospital I cant get a social worker from the hospital that knows the world of TBI.
So I am trying to go through another agency to get a case manager so I can get some help figuring out things. Like SSDI, Medicare, rehab, support groups, etc. But this other agency was asking me questions about TBI waivers and Brain Programs. Ummmmm.....I need the Case manager because I am not sure of this stuff nor how to do it. SHIT!!!
Guess I really need to just put on my big girl panties, suck it up and start applying for jobs for real. Sure, I cant answer how I am doing when that is asked of me, but I am sure I could do an interview with no problems. I can play being "normal" I can try to watch the innapropriate things that come out of my mouth on the regular, I can control my anger, I can control when I want to randomly burst into tears. I can stay wide awake for a full work day of learning new things. I can stay on track and focus, and not ask 101010000 questions. Don't mind me and my obsessive note taking and sorry if I dont remember that we met just 2 hours ago.
Yeah my high functioning ass has got this all under control.
I truly believe that if I was never terminated from my job, I would not be where I am today. I would have been able to adapt to the new me and continue thriving on my work. I should let it go, but I can't. I get so so so angry about it. Now I am trying to find out ways to get some cognitive rehab so I can be a "normal" functioning human being and get a job. But because I am not still in the mother friggin hospital I cant get a social worker from the hospital that knows the world of TBI.
So I am trying to go through another agency to get a case manager so I can get some help figuring out things. Like SSDI, Medicare, rehab, support groups, etc. But this other agency was asking me questions about TBI waivers and Brain Programs. Ummmmm.....I need the Case manager because I am not sure of this stuff nor how to do it. SHIT!!!
Guess I really need to just put on my big girl panties, suck it up and start applying for jobs for real. Sure, I cant answer how I am doing when that is asked of me, but I am sure I could do an interview with no problems. I can play being "normal" I can try to watch the innapropriate things that come out of my mouth on the regular, I can control my anger, I can control when I want to randomly burst into tears. I can stay wide awake for a full work day of learning new things. I can stay on track and focus, and not ask 101010000 questions. Don't mind me and my obsessive note taking and sorry if I dont remember that we met just 2 hours ago.
Yeah my high functioning ass has got this all under control.
new docs, new ramblings....
Sitting on the porch suckin up the sun and having wind blow through my scarred up head is kinda cool. Listening to the kids at recess is nice,but hurts at the same time. Damn living next door to where I worked. UGH...... I am so diggin this weather. I hope it stays.
Yesterday saw a new doc. Saw it for all my mouth/jaw issues. Maxillofacial surgeon. So far no surgery needed, just jaw exercises. But I will be honest, I kinda got snippy, with him. He just couldnt believe that I am TBI. At least he didnt say the H Word. High Functioning, but he was kind of blown away by me. I finally lifted up the one part of my hair so he could see the shaved part under neath and the scars and then I also said I AM NOT GABBY GIFFORDS but I am TBI! Pretty sure I said it loudly. Think I kind of scared him for a minute.
I have been getting a bit better with my driving and my confidence with that, so I am proud of myself. But yesterday was kinda hard. First nice day meant a few motorcycles and crotch rockets out. It is not the first time I have seen them since my Genius idea to get on one and smash my brain something fierce, but yesterday it kind of bothered me. It was a weird feeling. Guess the PTSD is finally kicking in in that aspect. I was just getting angry,scared, worried, every time I saw one. What if they crashed, what if they hit me? What if I hit them?? OMG it was nuts. But I will get over it, because that is what I do, I get over everything. What kind of Wonder Woman is scared of motorcycles??
Yesterday saw a new doc. Saw it for all my mouth/jaw issues. Maxillofacial surgeon. So far no surgery needed, just jaw exercises. But I will be honest, I kinda got snippy, with him. He just couldnt believe that I am TBI. At least he didnt say the H Word. High Functioning, but he was kind of blown away by me. I finally lifted up the one part of my hair so he could see the shaved part under neath and the scars and then I also said I AM NOT GABBY GIFFORDS but I am TBI! Pretty sure I said it loudly. Think I kind of scared him for a minute.
I have been getting a bit better with my driving and my confidence with that, so I am proud of myself. But yesterday was kinda hard. First nice day meant a few motorcycles and crotch rockets out. It is not the first time I have seen them since my Genius idea to get on one and smash my brain something fierce, but yesterday it kind of bothered me. It was a weird feeling. Guess the PTSD is finally kicking in in that aspect. I was just getting angry,scared, worried, every time I saw one. What if they crashed, what if they hit me? What if I hit them?? OMG it was nuts. But I will get over it, because that is what I do, I get over everything. What kind of Wonder Woman is scared of motorcycles??
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