seriously, i dont know what to do with this version of me.  karaoops 4.0 I guess.

My anger is gettin intensified.  The littlest things piss me off and then I mentally beat myself up for being an "asshole" 

I snapped at my mom because she wanted me to make xmas cookies.  normally I like doing that.  This time the directions were so confusing!!  NO, they were not, they were the same as always  but they confused me and pissed me off.  NOthing was ready.  I had to find all the ingredients and get the bowls out and whatnot and this put me over the edge.  OMG, this is nuts.  I can't stand it.

I think part of it has to do with teh fact that since July I have not had  routine.  And once I kind of find one or a semblance of one I get uprooted again.  Right now since my last surgery I have been in Easten PA with my parents, not Pittsburgh.  The "autistic" part of my new brain really really really CRAVES a routine.  I need some semblance of a normal life.

Its to the point that I want to just tell people to avoid me and to give accolades to those who have left me high and dry a year ago.  PROPS to you for leaving me...guess you made the wise choice.
Who me, Bitter???  Never.  :)

Surgery healing wise I am fine.  No pain, I stopped taking my pain meds.  But there is emotional/mental pain.  I am an emotional wreck that is trying to keep it together.  My throught processing is slower than it has been since the beginning of this grand BI trip.  And that pisses me off and makes me sad at the same time.  And the anger is getting harder to control.  I am still not physically violent, but I am Bitchy mcBitcherson.  :)  I even said to my dad I am apparently not happy unless I have something to bitch about.

Sorry for the language in this post.  I just cannot edit myself, makes me tired.  I am done editing, I am going balls to the wall in internet life and real life. Screw it, I got nothing to lose.  Lost most my friends, lost my job, lost majority of my life.  Got nothing left.  So Balls to the Wall bitch it is.  :)

There really is a difference in this version of me.  I know I need BI help, but I dont know how to get it because I am too high functining I have fallen through the cracks.

And parts of me have thought about giving up this blog since it seems to make people upset or question me.  M, I am not referring to you.  Just sayin' wondertwin. :)   But the thing is, if this pisses any of you off, then don't read the damn thing.  People have told me before that  they were going to stop reading this, then they continued then they ripped me a new asshole and deleted me from their lives literally and facebook wise.  Guess she couldnt handle the truth.  Hmmmmm......she.....should I name she???  LOL.

So if this is my way of giving the world the finger then let me do it.  It is better than me running around punching everyone.  I can see how TBIers with less cognition can be physically violent.  I get it, I do.  Part of me wishes I could just be physically violent even if it was just for one day.  I think it would help me...but I won't do it because surprisingly I do have some self control.  Now get me in a store or around a hot man there goes the self control.  LOL. 

Ok done rambling for now.  Love me or hate me, it's your choice.  I am what I am.  Maybe I should ask for another surgery so I can be Kara 5.0 and ask for good upgrades.  Happy, Decision making skills, some impulse control, maybe lose the disinhibition, control of my POTTY mouth.  And maybe clean my dirty birdy mind a bit.  I mean I know I have always been gutter brain, but now it is increased.  My poor mom is gonna have a heart attack with the stuff that comes outta my mouth.