So the year has passed. Had a few meltdowns and I am thankful for the people that were there for me and listened to me cry.
It is so weird to be able to pinpoint the exact day when my life changed drastically. Big change that I was not ready for. Change is hard when you are not expecting it, especially for my stubborn ass. To be able to say, October 7 2009 is the last day I mostly remember of my old life of my "normal" life. I can remember being at work at the school, sitting at my desk and then my friend calling to make sure were were still meeting at H for wings and Pens Hockey. Yes we were still meeting. I was so excited!! PENS HOCKEY..woo hoo!
I kind of remember seeing A at H, and then I kind of remember being at WPT with A and his friend. Things in between that I don't remember all that much. The next thing I remember is days/weeks later at the 2nd hospital I was in. A male nurse undressing me. Let me tell ya, what a great first semi conscious memory! :)
To be able to pinpoint the day in your life where you will not be the same from that day onward. That you will have doctors appointments and surgeries out the wazoo. That you will live at home for a bit with your parents, that you will be independent again, that you will randomly break again and have your galbladder taken out, that you will lose your job, that you will be walking around with part of your skull missing for over a month, that you will have to get a titanium plate eventually. That you will probably ruin holidays again, that you don't even bother looking for jobs anymore because honestly who wants a broken ass person who needs to get more surgery and get her skull put back together again! I am so sick of being a puzzle or a quilt. Yeah I am always getting sewn back together!
To be able to say that there was one Kara and now there is another Kara. I know I am different. I try to accept the differences, but I do get pissed too. I still have my sense of humor, thank god I did not lose that. But there are parts of me that are way different. I may be a bit different, but I am still Kara. If I can get used to the new me I don't know why some others can't. People can have excuses for not being the same kind of friends we were before but I am sick of the excuses and call bullshit! Some people need to man up! Either still be my full time friend or just walk the hell away. Let me know it is done and over with so I don't hold onto hope.
I second guess myself alot now. And I am constantly saying sorry for everything! I feel like I always need to apologize. It annoys me and i know it annoys others. I am what I am. sorry. :)
So for the year of shit I have had, and the partial shit I have had in 2010 i really need 2011 to be a good damn year! I need it so badly! So I am having a new years resolution now.
I will not get on a motorcycle. (Easy one!) I will try not to dwell on the past and will try to move forward. I will try to not be so down on myself. I will try to find the silver lining in all of this. I will build up my self confidence. I will try to mentally say goodbye to those that are no longer in my life. I will try to accept the new me and my new life.
See, this is why I am starting my resolution early. That's a lot to do and I need time.
Everyone normally sees the strong Wonder Woman Kara. Almost all of you have not seen or heard the hott mess crying Kara. The defeated Kara. The Kara that literally rocks back and forth and shakes and cries. Cries out of anger and sadness. Sometimes Wonder Woman is a front.
And thankfully I write this all down, because honestly, I will not remember my resolutions. Hence my obsession with post it notes now. :)
Pretty sure post-its were made for the brain injured.
happy new year and happy birthday kara---i love the new you,the loving ,supportive you,the funny you,the strong you,the puddle of tears you,the warm,fuzzy you,my new friend you----love your new resolutions ,too
ReplyDeleteKARA U R AWESOME AND NEVER FORGET IT,I KNOW ABOUT THAT 1ST YR I USE TO LOOK IN MIRROR A WONDER WHERE I WAS AT CR SOMTIMES BUT WHY?I LIKE MYSELF BETTER THEN BEFORE HAS REALLY OPENED MY EYES TO ALOT OF THINGS,TOOK AWHILE TO GET THINGS TOGETHER BUT I HAVE GOOD BAD DAYS AND TRY TO HIDE THEM SO GLAD I HAVE MY SENSE OF HUMOR TOO I FEEL U ON THAT 1 CAUSE IF NOT WE WOULD BE LIKE ZOMBIES SO GOD IS SO AWESOME HE KNOWS WHAT WE NEED TO KEEP US SANE AND THAT IS ALL THE LAUGHTER,SO CRY IF U AHVE TO DON'T FRONT CAUSE WHO R U KIDDING BUT UR SELF.AND IF UR PASS FREINDS AREN'T THERE GUESS WHAT THEN THEY WEREN'T FREINDS FROM THE START,BUT ALWAYS KNOW THAT I'M LV YA MIM
ReplyDelete"Even a broken clock is right twice a day."
ReplyDeleteYou are you, whoever that is at any given moment. You don't have to be perfect to be loved and cared for, good heavens, if that were the case we'd ALL be in trouble! Some of us are very aware of the "hidden" you, but we play along to make you smile. If you can't believe always that your life will be whole again someday, then at least believe that WE believe. And the reason we believe is that you are willing, even through the tears, fears, dings, and uphill places, to continue working for it. As long as you don't give up on yourself, you will get to wherever "it" is that you are supposed to be. Love you!
Some of us aren't going the hell anywhere, no matter how many dings you have :o)
ReplyDeleteJust try to remember that the old you wasn't necessarily better, just different. The new you has just as many things to be proud of!
Here's to the new year and the new you!
Oh Kara,
ReplyDeleteI do so understand. People call me strong...I say...you'll never see me cry again...bastards! I understand the front of Wonder Woman...want to remind you that there is a bit of reality there. You have taken everything life through at you and you have carried on by dealing with it a moment at a time.
So what if you take time to cry...it's emotion and my friend healthy, much better than holding it all inside to fester and grow.
I can offer to you as well an explanation of why it upsets you so. Being as close to death as you and I both were...we see what life is about. Its about living, making good choices and yes about being happy with the little things we now enjoy so much more than before.
I watch people get caught up in the drama and try to drag me in...no way...life's too short to waste what little I have left on something so self centered at pitiful! I say...take your BS somewhere else I don't have time nor energy for that...if I had extra I wouldn't waste it there anyway.
My 2nd year was harder on me than the first...that's when I realized how much I've really lost and I'm not talking about things I used to do easily I lost time for living struggling to live and to make people see I was still alive and able to function.
You've been through much more than me because of all the surgeries and you are stronger for it in my eyes. You still have the desire and the longing for better and you will achieve it because...you won't quit until you're there!
There is always hope for a brighter tomorrow and your happy new year. You have learned much through all of this and your laughter...fills my ears.
I won't say I'm glad this happened, but I will tell you I am glad we found each other we are a lot alike.
I'm here for you when ever you need to talk or cry. Hope you do get your Happy New Year!!