And the story continues

Damn. 2 years since I wrote here. I used to live for this. Accomplishments, introspection, failures, laughs, frustration, tears. Loneliness. I know that was a big reason. And getting all my emotions out before I'd crack. Bein inspiration for some. Showing reality of my TBI. Educating others. Bein proud of moments. 2 years. I'm not as angry. I think I've reached my baseline. Don't get me wrong. I do get angry. When I feel slighted, when things don't go my way, when I'm too smart for my own good, when I feel I've done something stupid. It's just moments, not my baseline. Pretty sure I'm more tired. Don't think that will ever end. Hopefully it doesn't get worse. I'm fortunate to be able to work. That I know. Is it the best for me? Yes and no. It makes me the angriest out of all angry making things. I still feel better than my job. Probably always will. But it is what it is. Though I will always wish for more. Change is still hard. Always will be. Always react the same. It's just me. I don't laugh like I used too. Not enough. Not real. Not loud. But I do still laugh. 2 years ago I bought the house then immediately went to living in sin with Sev. It's nice to have a boy lift really heavy things. He cuts onions and meat too because knives scare me now. It's nice having someone that deals with my kinda crazy and cranky and tears by making me laugh, squishing me, and agreeing that everyone is a twatwaffle, jerk, or whatever my insult is at the moment. A lot of times he's my rock. Grounds me. And takes my crazy and rolls with it. So I think this is the me I'm going to be. I'm somewhat content. But i will always and forever remember her and miss her. The her I was. Yes I know there is a lot I should like about myself and cherish now. But I miss her and that's my right. The her before didn't have diabetes, female reproductive issues, GI problems, partial epilepsy, mood disorders, hypertension, sleep disorders, limited peripheral vision, half a titanium skull, tilted walk, jacked up back. My life just feels like a list of ailments and meds. But it's my life now. It's the life I have due to a bad idea. But within that bad idea I appreciate the things I have left. My Dadoo, Shannon, Will, Holden, Gina, Ryan, Sev, Elisabeth, Meghan, Jason, Sam, Annie. The important stuff. And I also have my independence, ability to drive, ability to work, ability to talk, ability to walk, ability to think. The ability to be. I'm still working on the best me to be. Maybe there's room for improvements, tweaks, upgrades. This story is far from over.

1979 to life

1979 Born 1980-1997- Innocence, freedom, boo boos, learning, happiness, teenage angst, hockey, softball, basketball, skiing, ballet, gymnastics, art. Learning. Hating my parents, loving my parents. Locking myself in my room, sneaking cigarettes, underage drinking. Working, school, loving my job. Graduation. 1997-2001. College, oh college. Classes? What classes? Don't be ridiculous. Bring on the beer. Sneaking beer and St Ides into the dorms. I was the buyer....angel I am. Jobs, parties, classes. Social and academic probation at the same time. I was AWESOME. Math...fuck math. Expelled due to math. Fight with the dean to get back in. Winning!! Party, beer pong, asshole, beer, bullshit, beer. beer pong. Graduate 6 months late. Fuck...real world happens. 2001-2008. Work at the mall, can't afford life, move back home. Miserable bitch. I hate home. Feel like a 22 year old loser living with mommy and daddy. Almost work at a gas station. Pittsburgh drinking and partying buddy saves me. Working in mortgage industry here I come. Mortgage industry you are an asshole. Move to burbs of Philly for asshole industry. Hate it. Make just one friend. Move back to Pittsburgh, live with friends, quit job and go back to school. Work 3 jobs. Quit school, move out of friends house, work 2 jobs. Drink, regular at bar, drink, work work work. Shitty gross skeegy slum lord. Move again. Change jobs. Work, drink, flirt, repeat. 2009 to present. Work, bar, flirt, be on call, poor choices with co-workers, walk, jog, exercise, healthy, drink, hungover, work, flirt, get on crotch rocket with boy been flirting with. FAIL!!!!! Coma. Operations, confusion, sad, angry, oblivious, stupid. Work, confused, overwhelmed, work work work. Body fails. Lose job I LOVE. lose friends. lose mom. Scared. Who am I? Where do I belong? What do I do? Too high functioning. Feel I don't have a place. Get a job, scared, confused, excel, bored. Get another job. Fail! Back to original job. Meet boys. Assholes, good ones, friends, keepers. Pretend to be a grown up, buy a house. Ho Moaner. 35 years.

Nursing Assistant Woe is me....round one.

So yay for me for making it thru the nursing assistant "class" I made it, learned some new things and had to semi study and just learn new stuff. And I did it and passed. YAY For almost a month I have been working the brain injury unit. I thought it would be a good unit to work, that they all knew me and knew i was a survivor and that maybe just maybe they would help me and be understanding and throw me a bone. Apparently I was wrong. I have felt angry, defeated, overwhelmed, suspicious, bamboozled, set for failure, agitated, confused, have I mentioned angry?? Did I expect too much from myself and my co workers? I wish I had a stop button so I would stop running my mouth. I wish I could keep my attitude in check. I wish I could answer the question "How are you doing?" "How is it going?" Basically all I want to say is how the fuck do you think I am doing and its going pretty crappy. Sometimes people at work ask me that question and my pissiness comes flying out of my mouth before I can stop it. I like aspects of it. I am great with the patients. Patients and families like me. I just get so lost and flustered. I have not been with one person (preceptor) at all. And the one person I was with the most is cranky ass even towards the patients. And because I have been with one person or another for almost a month I am not even sure what I am allowed to do on my own when and if I am eventually set loose. I have been with a nurse all week. I am supposed to be assigned to another nursing assistant to see how they do the job, to see what is expected of me. To learn, to be trained. And this whole nursing thing is new. Even the nurses don't really know why I have to be with them since we do different jobs. I found out that they are putting me with nurses to give me time because I am slower at learning everything and to make sure I am indeed ok to do the job. But the thing is. Shit like this never comes directly from my "boss" or boss like person. There is too much in the unknown. Too many variables. Too many questions. Too much uncertainty, too much chaos. And I do not deal with ANY of that well. Hence more of the pissiness. I know the job itself will have lots of variables. That I can deal with. That is a different kind of variable and uncertainty. I guess I feel that when people are to be training me, and helping me, someone should know what the fuck is going on. And that someone will not be me until I am taught. But everyone else having no idea what is going on with me feels me with an indescribable rage. Tonight I just wanted to curl up inside myself and scream. Did I make a mistake? Did I bite off more than I can chew? I am good with the patients. And only ONE of them has been told I am a survivor. The rest I am good with because of just how I am. My personality in general. Its the rest of the horseshit that is making me go more crazy. I know I can do this job once I get into my own groove. If I am ever given the chance. A lot of time I am so suspicious, untrustworthy, second guessing everyone. Are they going to let me go on or will I be let down gently? Only time will tell. There is so so so much more. But I cannot get it all out. My head feels like there are a bajillion bees in it flying around. And basically that is the way I have felt since starting this. Truth be told I have regressed a bit in that aspect. I guess this is just another hurdle in my so called high functioning TBI life. And this too shall pass.

Introspection

I'm excited scared and apprehensive about my new life yet again.  New life meaning job life.  Paranoia and self doubt is a big part of this version of me....but I've gotten better with that too.
But as I ponder I also have some clarity maybe.  To the "friends" that have left me....I thank you....maybe.  If it weren't for the depression and wicked loneliness and being scared for myself maybe I would not have manned up and had balls enough to try and try for jobs.   Loneliness was a big factor.   So to David and Brad I finally thank you for being assholes and leaving me.  Maybe if it weren't for that part I wouldn't be trying yet a new life being a nursing assistant.
As usual...this is not the life I ever dreamed of or thought of.  I figured if I'd ever be working at a hospital it would have been Western Psych.
  So those that were once a HUGE part of my life and are no longer.....thank you.  With you guys gone I've made new friends.  Desperate for friendship and human contact I fought for jobs and jumped on the dating sites bandwagon hard.  I've meet quite a few asshat jerk faces on the sites....but I've also made a couple friends.
  To the "old" friends that are actually a part of my life thanks for dealing with my version of life.  With job drama, boy drama, medical drama.  Thanks for being there thru it all.  Just stick around and keep me sane thru the new work drama that is bound to happen.  And keep cheering me on when I panic about tests I'll have to take.
  I know I don't give myself enough credit.  Even nurses on TBI tell me I don't give myself enough credit.  But I do have fears and doubts. 
   So to ex friends, old friends, and new friends.  Thank you!!!!!

Its been a while....so here goes nothing

Wow, 2013! I didn't do a 2012 in review.  I didn't do a 2013 wish list.  I thought about them but forgot to execute said thought.
2012 in review.....I liked life, I hated life, I laughed, I cried(not as much as 2009-2011). Read a lot, remembered I like to draw.  Lost weight gained weight lost weight gained weight.  Made lots of bad decisions, but at least these ones don't cause me to bust my head open. But with those bad decisions i made some good ones to prevent even worse things for me.  Got some more medical shit thrown at me.  Only partially blamed my brain injury for it.  OK that's a lie...totally blame tbi for just about everything.
  I became Wawa to my Boo Bear.  I became a fairy godmother to my fairy god daughter Annie. :)
  I became more vocal on some things.  Have not consciously decided but kind of just go with I really don't care who I piss off or lose any more.  Well there are a select few people I'd be devastated over losing, and some I just don't care.  Don't have the energy nor the willpower to play bullshit pretend friend games.
  Still have paranoia, anxiety, anger, depression, impulsivity, feelings over overwhelmed, over stimulation.  And almost 100% acceptance.  Acceptance because I'm kind of forgetting what I'm comparing this version of me to.  I remember aspects of my old life, but I forget the person I am comparing myself to.  I forget the original.  I know I was sarcastic and perverted and funny.  Guess now I'm just intensified with some bonus features.
    For 2013 I just want me.  Happiness.  I miss happy and fun.  I miss carefree.  I miss not being frantic and sometimes just down right pissy.
I want to try to relax.  I physically, mentally, and emotionally cannot relax.  Maybe try to regain some control.  Its hard.  Harder than for "normal" people.  I know I "look fine". I know I mostly "act fine"  but its way harder than it looks.  Trust me....I should get an Oscar daily.  But for 2013 I just want total acceptance of myself.  And to find some care free days.   And to find a boo.  I change men more than socks.  Lmao.  I need some sort of return policy. 

3 years

3 years ago I made a bad choice.  At the time I did not know it was a bad choice.  Oh hindsite, you wascally wabbit.   That choice made me what I am today.  Wonder woman.
I am not proud of the choice.  I question it.  And hell, I don't even remember it.  To this day I get frustrated with the fact I have no memory of it.  I used to get angry and upset I couldn't remember.  Now I get frustrated, but I don't beat myself up over the lack of memory.  I don't try to wrack my mind and put pieces together.  I have embraced the fact now that it cannot be done.  Like I really only have dim memories of that night.  I don't remember all the players involved in my drama.  I remember the settings.  I remember one person I planned to meet and why.  Then I remember the boy that broke me and his buddy.  Don't really k ow all that much more.  Frustrating and weird, yes.  But not worth beating myself up for it any more.
Life has thrown me wicked curve ball after wicked curve ball, but I keep hitting homers.  Pretty soon some day it's gonna be a grand slam.  Ahhh...baseball references from the woman that doesn't like baseball.  Clearly I have a brain injury.
Maybe in the future october 7 will just be a day.  Not a day that I sit and reflect and cry for a bit over a dumb choice, over the life I lost, of what was.  But that's hard.  I do miss aspects of the old life.  But I'm getting better with that.  Still hold resentment and heartache over the people I thought were friends leaving .  But I'm getting a bit better with that too.  Its all about baby steps and I've been taking them for 3 years.
I have come a long way baby.  From coma, to rehab hospital, to living with parents, to back on my own, to brain surgery after brain  surgery after brain surgery, to building confidence, building a life, and kicking ass.  Sure I have melt downs, but in general I'm kicking ass.  That's all I can do.  Kick ass one day at a time for years to come.  Brain injury doesn't just go away.  I learn to adapt and not lose the rest of my mind.
Thank you all for being around for the wild wide.

Mom

One year ago today I lost my mom. I did not misplace her, or lose her at the mall when I couldn't see her tiny self over the clothes racks. She passed away. May 3 2011 I grew a spontaneous set of balls and drove home for the first time since my brain injury. I only know the date due to pictures with date stamps and my blog. I take lots of pics now and live on facebook and blogger to help with my memory. I am so glad that mom knew I was there. That we did have a few moments. I don't really remember them, but I know I had her laughing and smiling. Probably because I was being a horn dog and inappropriate. Because that's how I roll. May 3 I surprised mom and dad and May 6, she was gone. I curled up in bed with her in the ICU and gave her permission to go, I told her it wasn't worth it to keep fighting it and that it was ok. I played Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's Somewhere Over the Rainbow and then she left. I had to take the song off of my Mp3 player because when I hear it now, when it would randomly play, I would sob and get pissed off. It's strange. In 1992 there was one night sleeping that something did not feel right, I had an odd feeling about my Mom Mom (mom's mom) That morning I did NOT want to go to school. I did not feel right, it didn't feel right if I went to school. My parents made me go. At some point I was called out of class to be told Mom Mom died. Then this time, May 3rd I grow a set and go home. I felt I had to go, then May 6, mom was gone. I must have a strong McGuire connection. This may all seem like hocus pocus, me blowing smoke, but this is all true!!!! Sometimes I find random items in my apartment that have a connection to mom. I dont remember the specific connections but I get overwhelmed with sadness and anger and frustration because I can't remember the connection. I throw those things out with a heavy heart and a shaking hand and tears. And I always say "goodbye mommy" Sometimes I stare at the item and wonder if I should keep it. But I do throw it out. Why keep it and anger myself because I can't remember the connection even though I feel there is one. I have an easier time remembering feelings than things. Please don't try to compare your parents losses to the loss of my mother. I know you are trying to sympathize. I know that, and I appreciate that, but to me this is different. I know I am not the only young female in the world to lose my mother, but this is just too much! From October 7 2009 to May 6 2011 I lost myself, my job, my friends, some body parts, my life as I knew it. Sure I sometimes put on a semi good front, but do you know what it is like to lose your sense of self, to have to rebuild, to have to struggle to find new "norms" after each brain surgery. And then to find a balance, to start feeling somewhat confident, and then crumble down due to mom's passing. Yet another friggin loss! It's maddening and saddening. And this too shall pass. It is, what it is...right? My favorite quote. Thanks for reading and let me ramble. See, it's hard doing this shit by myself. I do so much by myself....really my self!!! Loneliness and by myself with my walls. But I do it. because I am a tough ass broad. And I share it all on public forums. :p